We love each other but don't trust each other. What now?

[WhoaBaby]

I wasn't even sure I loved her after many years together. Through many months of couples counseling I rediscovered my buried feelings (defense mechanism) and realize I still love her. But I'm just as clear that we don't trust each other in the deeper sense. She because she is BPD and doesn't trust anyone. Me because of 30 years of fighting and protecting my heart.

Where to now? Is it ever possible to recover trust after all these years of mistrust? I've read that trust is actually more important than love, but once lost, it is very very hard to recover.

Her moods have stabilized a lot since starting new meds, so I dare to be hopeful.
But do pwBPDs ever really trust their partners (or anybody)?

And there are soo many bad memories and resentments, I don't know if either of us can get past those. How do we do that? Can we declare a do-over and swear to only live in the present?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WBoase]

I can only tell you how I handle a similar situation.

I just made a choice. My choice was to accept my BPD wife and the complications that she brings. A big part of living like that is to invest more of yourself into "yourself".  My life doesn't revolve around her. We still share a life together, but I refuse to allow myself to be emotionally gut punched by the things that she does any longer.

Such a perspective doesn't happen overnight. I've been working at it for almost a year and I'm yet to be where I want to be with it. It's just something that's necessary.

It's a bit of a strange place to be in a relationship. But a relationship with a BPD person isn't going to be typical. Once the choice is made to stay in the relationship, there's certain self preservation behaviors that one must adopt.

I've accomplished many of those  behaviors and I'll eventually complete the list.

It's just part of the deal. I wish I had started earlier.

Just be who you're supposed to be. Don't allow her problems to change who you are.

[WhoaBaby]

That is exactly what my best friend said to do, focus on myself, my life and goals, and not to let my life revolve around her mercurial moods. I've definitely been guilty of that. Right now we are having a good week, since I am showering her with affection and attention. But it's unsustainable long term, I think.
I need a game plan that gets me through the bad weeks too. If it is too much of a shift I fear she will run the abandonment guilt trip on me.

[WhoaBaby]

Focusing on myself also puts me at odds with my couples therapy, which focuses on bringing us together more, communication, emotions and vulnerability. I can't square the two approaches.

[waverider]

Focusing on myself also puts me at odds with my couples therapy, which focuses on bringing us together more, communication, emotions and vulnerability. I can't square the two approaches.

Couples therapy rarely works with BPD as it assume people are willing to work together, pwBPD cant work with anyone, they are who they are and they cant change to harmoniously mesh with someone else, that is the nature of a personality disorder. You need one foot outside just to keep a sense of perspective, if you are too enmeshed you also become dysfunctional as your perspective becomes skewed.

As far as trust is concerned you can only know and predict, as opposed to believe everything you are told.