Can’t get over ex bad partner

[Zoa]

I divorced my partner 7 years ago- he had bpd.
I still struggle to get over him even though I have read a lot and gotten counseling.  Any suggestions?

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Zoa-

I feel you, truly.  My divorce from my 19-year marriage was finalized in December 2012.  And then I entered a 6.5-year relationship with another disordered man that was worse.  I’m 2 years out of that.  Both of my exes were combo BPD/NPD.  The second was way more overtly abusive than the first and I thank GOD I never agreed to marry him after what my exH put me through.

Like you, I’ve done therapy, learning, reading and in many ways the struggles continue.

So if I may ask, which areas are the most difficult for you?  I ask these things in terms of how I’ve actually felt, or feel from time to time.

* Are you missing *him* or the idea of him?
* Have you reconciled in your mind that the “good and loving him” is not a separate person from the raging hateful him? (Assuming he carries those latter traits)
*Do you share children?
*Are you in contact either directly or indirectly with your ex at all?  If so, how?  I.e. Do you follow him through social media?  Do have family members, friends or work colleagues who keep you informed of anything going on in his life?

Let’s start here, and then we’ll move on to the more complex issues.

Please keep posting.  You’re safe here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Zoa]

I spent 37 years with him.  I kicked him out many times. I saw divorce attorneys 4 times over the last 18 years.  He also was bpd/npd
I can’t believe after all the times I stood him up and kept him going he could just be with someone else.  He wanted to come back even after I divorced him but couldn’t disrespect myself any longer by being with him. My brain knows it is best and I am so much calmer and kinder without him but it is the pain of knowing I could be replaced

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh my friend... how deeply I know this pain.  I had a feeling you are facing the more complex.  I see this through my lens, so to speak... through what I lived and felt, and the after effects.  Perhaps these will resonate with you? 

And for reference, I’ll be 65 in a few months.  I didn’t begin to learn about BPD/NPD until 2017, 3.5 into my 2nd disordered relationship.

I am so sorry, Zoa.  Your sadness and pain are real and immense.  Your exH didn’t replace *you* because of anything having to do with you.  Hard to believe because of all of the years, love, kindness and effort you poured into him, your marriage and relationship...but I believe it’s true.  He found a new source of complete adoration because he wanted someone who thinks he’s “perfect and without fault”.  He needs someone who doesn’t know him.  That’s how weak and pathetic some of these people can be.  Again, my experience. 

All of your forgiveness over and over and over throughout  those 37 years for all of his misdeeds; all of your propping him up, saving him from himself, his lies, his deceit, even if he doesn’t remember exactly what he did, he knows somewhere inside himself that you see him.  And he cannot STAND that.  The new woman does not know him or any of this.  As long as she’s in ignorant bliss, all’s right in his world.  As long as he can see himself shining in her eyes, he’ll remain “happy”, whatever that means to him.

I believe I was extremely “functional” to both my exH and my exbf.  A well-oiled tool, the brains and quiet action behind everything running smoothly.  And I do mean everything- so that both of these men could self-indulge.  That’s been a really hard thing to acknowledge and accept, and it goes way way deeper than simply saying it.  I was and am so little to these people who professed love to get me to do and give them what they needed and wanted.

I am still often disgusted with myself.

My marriage ended the night my exH threw me across the room.  That was a shock.

I learned my exBF had done something that even I couldn’t stomach, but I was too afraid to end the relationship. I had to wait for my exbf to have his next rage so he would hastily and cruelly end things as usual.  Only I would know that this time I wouldn’t allow him back.

Sometimes it gets to the point where we realize that we’ve arrived in a state where we disrespect ourselves about as little as our disordered partners do.  That’s when we need to show ourselves to the door.  And to grant ourselves permission to keep it closed permanently.

Sorry to be so long winded.  I may be way off.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gems

[Zoa]

You are so so correct.  I made life so easy for him.  I was primary for our daughter and I worked full time and I took care of everything at home.  He had time to travel go to concerts and get involved in other activities.  I accept I expected nothing from him but to show up.  I am so glad you understand.  Thank you