Help / advice needed , Son w/ BPD and new baby

[rabia]

Hi
Thanks I am having very tough time as my son who is 27 just diagnosed with BPD him and his wife had a baby girl in March , baby was just one month old when his wife left him , she left him because of his all anger and mad episodes and this disorder now we are facing his madness, he is weed smoker and keeps him self numb , we have to face consequences, we don’t know how to help him , several time we have asked him to leave our home and arrange his own accommodation just to make him responsible, his reply is he has nothing to move out . He does do a good job but most of his wage goes in his addiction . We as parents suffer with all stress , any advice please !

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Rabia and welcome to the group.
I can identify with what you are going through - and it is very, very stressful. My dd self medicates with marijuana and when she runs out she is so angry and abusive etc.

You say your son has just been diagnosed with BPD, so he must have some contact with medical team? Being able to hold down a good job is very positive in relation to a long term plan.

I imagine your son is pretty depressed, as well as dealing with BPD. His wife and son have left him because of the bpd symptoms, but this also increases that abandonment issues of bpd that will make his symptoms worse - hence taking it all out on you!

It is such a hard road for you!

The pressure of living with an adult child with bpd can be unbearable. For many years the only answer I could imagine was for dd to move out and allow me to have my own space. I spent a lot of money etc trying to do this but dd was not really capable enough to do this and being in her own space just increased her abandonment issues - so she came home, each time with greater problems.

I wish I had learnt to co-exist better a long time ago. It sounds like your son is digging in to stay so I suppose the options are either to move him by force some how or shift the focus on to yourself and how you can create 'space' from your son even though he is living in your home.

This is where I came to  - eventually!

The coping tools I have in my 'kitbag' are:

Bach Flower remedy Red Chestnut. I use this when I am just so anxious I can feel it in my whole body. I know some people don't think these natural remedies work, but I have found this one most helpful.

Greystone rock: Since I started this things have been much better. When I started I told dd that when she was angry etc I was not going to respond because I could see that she needed time for her emotions to de-escalate and my responding just made things worse. Before I used to feel my emotions rise up when she started and I would start to either defend myself (by saying things like 'that is not true') or I would offer solutions ('why don't you  . . . )

The third thing is affirmation. This took me a long time to get going with and to get used to - because I would either defend myself or offer solutions. Now I just affirm that the intense feeling is okay. For example dd often goes off her head if she can't find something - blaming me, yelling, swearing etc. Now I stay calm, let all the words fly past me (greystone rock) and then just say something like 'It is so frustrating when you can't find something'.

It is interesting that affirmation of the intense emotions seems to diffuse them much more quickly than trying to use reason.

Everyone who comes here has a different situation and what works for one will not work for another. Since your son is only recently diagnosed, I hope there will be follow up support in some way, medication or therapy of some kind, that will be helpful.

The other thing to hang on to is that for many bpd people, the symptoms of intense emotion etc can lessen between the ages of 30-40. I have seen this happen and -while the individuals still clearly have bpd - there is significant change in intensity.

Thanks for your post and I hope you post again to let us know how things are with you. Take care . .