Dealing with borderline behavior

[pammylove]

Please advise me as to how to deal with my pwBPD fiancé’s shutdown/walk away behavior during a discussion?

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[Couscous]

Please advise me as to how to deal with my pwBPD fiancé’s shutdown/walk away behavior during a discussion?

It’s OK for them to do this if they need a time out and are willing to come back after they cool off and resume the conversation, but if this is how they shut the conversation down, then that’s a big problem and one you would need to get to the bottom of in couple’s counseling.

Here’s some good information about stonewalling: https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/stonewalling.html

[Jabberwocky]

It is so hard to not take it personally when someone shuts down/hangs up/walks away.  My tendency has always been to chase my uBPDw.  I seem to think that I can just control the situation and change her mind in the heat.  I'm learning here that is most often not going to happen.  I'm learning how to not take it personally and just give her space.  I haven't had the opportunity to apply it yet, but I'm definitely preparing myself for the next time. 

[SaltyDawg]

From the Borderline context what you describe is setting and respecting boundaries / limits --  it is a necessary coping mechanism to [try to] prevent the borderline rage if they recognize their own symptoms.

If this discussion is heated (yelling / raised voiced), this is a very good thing to do, by either party.

Take a time-out anywhere at least 3 minutes, ideally 10 minutes (or however long it takes for things to cool down, could be the next day if they are splitting / raging).  Both parties must be cool headed prior to resuming the conversation.

As a non-BP, I have to do this all the time with my uBPDw.  The 3/10 minute rules rarely if ever apply.  It is usually an hour or more such as the next day.

However, if both parties are cool headed, then, and only then consider it to be stonewalling as previously mentioned if it is used as a tool to shut down a conversation over and over again.