guilt & sadness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am feeling very sad today. My H is pulling out all the stops and being incredibly nice (the person I knew during the honeymoon phase). He also latches on to any perceived nicety from me and thinks everything is going to be ok.

We went to therapy on Wednesday and he straight up lied to our T. I called him out on it in session. Our homework was to ask ourselves "why stay in the relationship?" My answer is don't stay. I can't think of a realistic reason to stay, only idealistic ones.

I was reading about trauma bonding and it is exactly what is going on for me. When I'm away from him I feel better and want to move on but around him I succumb to the relationship.

Every day it is another crisis. Now he says he is an alcoholic and thus why he's been so emotionally abusive. He claims he's starting a detox medication and may look into going to rehab. I am sure he is having trouble with drinking but this IS NOT AN EXCUSE for his behavior.

I'm so sad, I want out and yet I can't get away from him.

[yellowbutterfly]

I am feeling very sad today. My H is pulling out all the stops and being incredibly nice (the person I knew during the honeymoon phase). He also latches on to any perceived nicety from me and thinks everything is going to be ok.

We went to therapy on Wednesday and he straight up lied to our T. I called him out on it in session. Our homework was to ask ourselves "why stay in the relationship?" My answer is don't stay. I can't think of a realistic reason to stay, only idealistic ones.

I was reading about trauma bonding and it is exactly what is going on for me. When I'm away from him I feel better and want to move on but around him I succumb to the relationship.

Every day it is another crisis. Now he says he is an alcoholic and thus why he's been so emotionally abusive. He claims he's starting a detox medication and may look into going to rehab. I am sure he is having trouble with drinking but this IS NOT AN EXCUSE for his behavior.

I'm so sad, I want out and yet I can't get away from him.

[ForeverDad]

The first step is the hardest one, subsequent steps become progressively less difficult and more clear, once your focus and path start to see results, in yourself if not the other person.

This is more about you, your boundaries and your acceptance of reality than the other person.

Him bringing up alcoholism seems at least diversion?

[yellowbutterfly]

So true, this is about my healing journey and my ability to get out. I am going to remind myself of the steps I'm putting in place:

- retained divorce lawyer (she has personal experience with someone with BPD, BiP too
- spoke to family/friends for help financially if needed and emotional support
- have a good psychiatrist and therapist
- started couples counseling with H - though I believe this will not help but could be a good assessment to reaffirm that the relationship is unhealthy
- told myself I don't want this relationship, I don't feel remotely ok in it
- working on my boundaries
- found this message board
- started working out again
- started taking care of my health starting with no drinking (it's been 2 months) and eating healthier
- practicing mindfulness
- started hanging out with friends again
- making my business a priority again
- understanding the FOG happening to me