New to forum and full of grief

[Sweetangelface8]

Hello,
My just turned 16 year old daughter a couple of weeks ago told her father (my ex husband) that she had sex with at least 2 different guys(one at a party), had drank alcohol and smoked pot multiple times at school. She said she was unhappy and thought she wasn’t pretty. She showed some remorse to her father who told her he would do everything he could to help her.
I saw her briefly at church Sunday, where she went for the first time to youth group(trying to get her around a different group of kids). I picked her up from school today. She wouldn’t hardly talk to me. She came out of her room and saw me crying and asked why. I told her I was worried about her, etc. She said she wasn’t doing those things anymore,and essentially blew it all off like it was no big deal. No remorse. Just defiant and no accountability. I want her to see a psychiatrist-I have Bpd, and she shows all the symptoms. Her father doesn’t like psychiatrist/meds and is dragging his heels. I just feel overwhelmed and don’t even know how to talk to her. How do you talk to them? You can’t bring the problems up all the time, but you also can’t act like life is grand and sweep it under the carpet. I don’t know how to do the day to day. Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Sweetangelface8
It is a huge shock when we become aware of what is going on in the lives of our teenage children.

One of the dilemmas is how to have a conversation. First of all the church group is a real plus - sometimes it is all about who they are around.

The reason for this is that they are at the 'stage of development' that focuses on peer group and acceptance. It's the step into independence and taking a place in society eventually - so it's a two pronged thing ie finding a place in the peer group and moving away from the primary carer(s).

Another thing I have found is that it is often easier for a daughter to talk to her father.

There are some practical implications of what has been happening such as pregnancy. In my case my dd spoke to a friend of mine when she was around 15 or so and my friend brought the whole possible pregnancy thing to my attention, and I managed to get dd to the GP to talk about this.

It is good that she is talking to someone - it really does help.

I have found myself that asking questions etc only makes dd put up a brick wall. So I step back and wait for her to talk. This has been much more effective especially when a teenager.

The other thing I have found is that long drives are the best opportunity for dd to start to bring things up. I don't respond a lot, and when I do it's in a very low key manner. I don't know if there are any reasons for you to go on long drives!

Just coping with the shock of all this is very difficult so I hope you are able to nurture yourself during this time.