Unable to hold a job

[Artsy Mom]

My dd has not been able to hold a job consistently. Totally overwhelmed with the work duties when she was working in phone/paperwork jobs with weekly quotas to meet. Other jobs were retail. She is close to 30 - she has lived with her boyfriend for 5 years and now married.  He also does not work due to his own mental illness. She has always absorbed the likes/dislikes/attitudes of whoever she is around - from the time she was little. And we see that whatever he says or does she follows - and we see strongly that she lives in fear of abandonment from him. Since he does not have motivation or skills to seek job training or employment, we have seen her do the same.

 She will not talk about her illness, any type of therapy she may be getting, her health in general. She has underlying health issues that do cause absence from work.
 I believe many of the work issues have to not fitting in, not keeping track of schedules, forgetfulness (also ADHD and anxiety), and the general emotional dysregulation. In the past we have given some help with rent but with the stipulation that we saw that she was going to therapy (she'd get a schedule at the end of each month from her therapist with all contact information blacked out.)  She is intelligent and loves to be around people and to work, but she is lacking in holding on to a job. One thing in NAMI we learned is that homelessness in someone with mental health issues opens up an entirely new set of problems. They now live in a van - which is homelessness!

 I know we all live with this - but anyone else have this experience with son or daughter with no income? How do you cope, have you found any words or solutions to help them move forward in getting help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

What would it be like to allow her to choose whether or not to be responsible for her job, health, place of residence, and relationships, and to free yourself from those responsibilities?

I wonder if "letting go" of trying to "make her get help" might be more effective, long run, than trying really hard to "make her see".

She may need to hit her own rock bottom in order to make healthier changes that stick. Pressure from the outside is rarely effective long term in creating meaningful change.

So it would be kind of indirect. When she feels less pressure from you to "get help" or "make better choices", she may be able to be less reactive and defensive about it. She may need to learn on her own at her own pace that yes, this is not sustainable, and yes, she needs more help.

Or, living in a van (no lease, no mortgage, no rent, no utility payments) and working temp jobs may be the level of responsibility that she can cope with.

A good question might be -- how to take care of yourself as you walk alongside your child, allowing her to make her own choices, no matter what they are. That can take a lot of strength and it will be challenging.

What do you think?

[Artsy Mom]

Thank you Kells76 for summarizing in such concise and truthful wording of all that I know to be the step I need to take right now.

 Your reply encompasses all that I have been working towards - letting go, realizing this may be where she is finding her own way, allowing her to live her life at her pace even if it is hitting rock bottom, listening and validating her.

And acknowledging that I am putting pressure on her which is not helping her or me. This is her journey and I have been mentally playing it out as if though it is my responsibility because she is not where I think she needs to be! This is like revelation as I type. 

My commitment to myself as of today is to continue to pray, relax, take care of my own soul and body, love my daughter as she is. Accept that I am not perfect nor do I have all the answers. In the process I can have kindness for myself and her.

Thanks so much. 

[Aralia]

At the risk of being profoundly unhelpful, I would just like to point out that your dd has a boyfriend.  My dd is in college and doesn't even have a friend, let alone a boyfriend.  I suspect she would be tempted to live in a van if it meant she could have a boyfriend.  Even if you are correct that dd's boyfriend led her on a downward spiral of nonambition, she probably gets a lot more satisfaction out of just having that relationship than she would from an office job.   So many bpders have social problems and no friends and feel they are unlovable.  This is a bright spot in an otherwise dire situation.