Breaking my trauma bond

[WitzEndWife]

After finally getting the courage in June to serve my STBX husband with divorce papers and having him put out of the house, I still struggled with my FOG and felt oddly attached to him. What I realized was that, in addition to being codependent, I was also trauma bonded to him, which was something I'd never before experienced in a relationship. For whatever reason, in the past, I'd been able to grieve, heal, and move on from relationships, but leaving this person was making me feel terrible in every which way. It was like being sick with some emotional flu. I didn't want to be with him, but I still felt responsible for his emotional wellbeing and I still missed him and felt comforted by his presence.

This resulted in him trying to push his way back into my life multiple times, to the point where he started coming over unannounced and calling me multiple times a day to beg me to reconsider divorce. This was causing me to feel even worse and immensely sad and anxious all of the time.

I started reading more about trauma bonds and I found an online program that seems to be helping. I once again told him not to call me and to stop coming over and threatened him with legal action if he continued harassing me. I acknowledge even now that doing that does not feel "good," but I know I have to save myself above saving him. I have to make myself the priority in this situation if I'm ever to find my way out of it.

It's been almost two weeks since I restarted this journey, but already I feel quite a bit stronger. Just keeping him away from me has been immensely helpful. The more time passes, the less I feel like I need him in my life to survive.

Curious to hear others experiences breaking a trauma bond with someone with BPD. What helped you the most? I know I'm just now restarting this journey, but I feel optimistic. Any suggestions will be helpful!

[NotAHero]

After finally getting the courage in June to serve my STBX husband with divorce papers and having him put out of the house, I still struggled with my FOG and felt oddly attached to him. What I realized was that, in addition to being codependent, I was also trauma bonded to him, which was something I'd never before experienced in a relationship. For whatever reason, in the past, I'd been able to grieve, heal, and move on from relationships, but leaving this person was making me feel terrible in every which way. It was like being sick with some emotional flu. I didn't want to be with him, but I still felt responsible for his emotional wellbeing and I still missed him and felt comforted by his presence.

This resulted in him trying to push his way back into my life multiple times, to the point where he started coming over unannounced and calling me multiple times a day to beg me to reconsider divorce. This was causing me to feel even worse and immensely sad and anxious all of the time.

I started reading more about trauma bonds and I found an online program that seems to be helping. I once again told him not to call me and to stop coming over and threatened him with legal action if he continued harassing me. I acknowledge even now that doing that does not feel "good," but I know I have to save myself above saving him. I have to make myself the priority in this situation if I'm ever to find my way out of it.

It's been almost two weeks since I restarted this journey, but already I feel quite a bit stronger. Just keeping him away from me has been immensely helpful. The more time passes, the less I feel like I need him in my life to survive.

Curious to hear others experiences breaking a trauma bond with someone with BPD. What helped you the most? I know I'm just now restarting this journey, but I feel optimistic. Any suggestions will be helpful!

 Many here share your experience.

 Breaking up with a BPD can be one of the hardest things to do. It’s not necessarily a trauma bond. It has a lot to do with the conditioning they do through various complex  mechanics. Mirroring, idealizing, devaluation, intermittent reinforcement , projections …etc.

 No contact is important, if you don’t have mutual  kids that’s a blessing as the journey will be easier with complete NC.

[Notwendy]

Jumping in here to cheer you on.

You have come such a long way WitzEndWife-

Stay the course- it's a work in progress- and good for you for holding the boundary of NC.

I think trauma bonding and co-dependency are related. Keep reaching out for support and contact with others who will encourage you to stay the course- like here, and your T. The idea of one day at a time helps- get through one day- stay the course. You can manage one day. Then, they add up together. You can see where two weeks has made a difference.

Self care- do something nice for yourself- whatever that is. Put it on a schedule. It doesn't have to be something huge. It can be working out, order favorite meal, Netflix binge, or social event.

Hang in there!

[I Am Redeemed]

After I left my ex, I felt immense guilt for setting boundaries that protected me but had consequences for him (calling the police, order of protection, not answering his calls). I managed to go three months without taking his calls from jail and then I cracked. The contact led me right back into the trap of taking care of him - giving him money, allowing him to see our son. I realized he was trying to manipulate and pressure me back into the relationship and when I resisted, it ended up in another assault.

With the help of the local domestic violence resources, I was able to block all contact with him. I started weekly therapy and finally got the space I needed to heal and break the trauma bond. My T helped me explore the feelings of guilt and responsibility for his pain that I had as well as the grief of the end of my hope for the relationship.

Time, space from him, and therapy was the right combination for me.