triangulation and manipulation

[eirene]

I was wondering if others have gone through this situation and what you would do.  I believe my undiagnosed 26yod has been poisoning the mind of my 14 yo.  I went out of the country for 2 months to complete a practicum for my license in a 3rd world country. when I returned I found my 14yo rejecting me and not even wanting to hug her.  She has now left my house and gone to live with her father (we are divorced). Ironically I brought my 26yo biological father to visit and that caused her to leave the house and now she is living with her stepfather and her half sister.  I feel so hurt that even my 14 yo uses the same kind of language that she hears her older sister using.  Her BPD sister has usurped my place as her mother; and the 14 yo has accepted her. She is copying the abusive language and hurtful emotionally abusive stance of rejection.  My ex husband does not do much in terms of putting down the law (I think he must be relishing it on some level; as a way of getting back at me).  He is harboring her for how long?  Is there any way to break the mind manipulation? I need to have the older one separate from the younger one. My last resort is to seek an order of protection where I bring these charges up but I am not sure if this could boomerang on me.  One counselor says I should just be patient and let the younger one develop her own identity and with time and maturity she will see. What does one do--allow the sick daughter to make the younger one "sick"? Even though I have 100percent custody my 14 yo refuses to come live with me.  She is following her sister's steps.  Has anyone any insight for a sibling with BPD taking over a younger one as revenge against the mother or "nemesis"?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Eirene and thank you for sharing your dilemma with us. It is so hurtful and painful to be confronted with this sort of rejection. You are dealing with all your own hurt while at the same time trying to think of ways to separate your younger daughter from the influence of the other.

It is an unbelievably difficult time for you - there is the shock of it all for a start, feelings of grief and loss and at the same time feelings of urgency to do something to restore things to where they were.

I think you are right to wonder whether insisting on your legal rights would end up backfiring. I think there is a high risk that it would.

I agree with your counsellor's comments. The questions I would ask are:

Is DD still going to school? Does she have a group of friends at school that you know of and like?

Have you gone to the school to check how she is going and to let them know what has happened?  Can you let the dust settle a little and then organise a regular time with your dd?

The triangulation of the older dd will be very strong and - in my experience - it is important to avoid being caught in it.

I remember the advice given to me by a paediatric psychiatrist when dd was 14 or so. He drew a straight line on a bit of paper and said 'This is your life journey - now your dd is moving away (and he drew on the line again but drifted with pencil to create another line going off on a v shape). You need to keep on your line because often they will re-engage at some point' (and he drew the line that had drifted off as coming back to my line.

I have always remembered this. It was hard for me because I am a 'fix it' person, especially when I anticipate things might go horribly wrong.

I am sorry that I don't have any solutions but I hope you will keep posting here to people who are on the same journey as yourself. And I hope that it won't be too long before things improve in your very painful situation.

[pursuingJoy]

eirene, thanks for sharing your story. I share some of the same painful experiences. I have 3 biological girls, and my middle one with BPD has turned her sisters against me and their stepdad. They also moved in with their dad, and I'm guessing he finds some measure of validation in their hatred of me.

Your counselor is likely giving you sound advice. Unless your youngest also has BPD, it's unlikely that she will always believe what her sister has told her. She may wake up one day and realize she was triangulated, and develop her own ideas. This may be a waiting game.

In the meantime, how are you? Are you taking care of yourself? For me, it's been like learning to live without an arm. I have trouble sleeping, and daily, I miss my kids so, so much. I believe and have hope that the future holds something brighter for both of us.

pj

[Mary Jean]

I feel so bad  that you are all in this situation. I had a similar
situation where BP daughter influenced her younger sister.
It was difficult and very painful for awhile. My daughters are both adults which may make my situation different.  Thankfully, my younger daughter, I think, figured out what her older sister was telling her wasn’t true. I have not discussed my BP daughter
at all. I,too, am trying to keep steady on my own line and not
triangulate at all.  However, I am still feeling some rejection from my 18 year old granddaughter whom I fear was influenced by her aunt.  I wish you all the best. Take care of yourselves!

[Couscous]

I am so very sorry that you are experiencing something so painful.

What I am wondering is if a family systems therapist might possibly prove helpful to you and be better equipped to help you to navigate this very difficult time. It might even be possible that your daughter will at some point be willing to attend with you. I found that my regular T was not well versed in family dynamics at all, and seemed a bit taken aback by some of the very hurtful behavior I had been subjected to by my siblings, and frankly, he was out of his depth completely and should have given me a referral to a family systems therapist.

You may also find this website helpful, even though it is geared towards adult children: https://reconnectionclub.com/learn-more/

I wish you all the best. 

[Couscous]

After thinking a little more about your situation I feel like it’s extremely important that you seek a second opinion about the best course of action for you to take. It’s not an all or nothing situation — and there may be things you can do to effect positive change. Your daughter is simply not old enough to be making these kinds of decisions and as her parent it is your obligation to do everything within reason to correct this situation, in the same way that you would firmly insist that a young child hold your hand when you cross busy street, but you cannot be reactive about it and you will need professional assistance.

I think it is important to explore all your options with someone who actually is trained in family systems therapy and see if there is room for negotiation here. Maybe it isn’t the best thing to immediately run out and get an order of protection, but it might be reasonable to do this at some point under the guidance of a counselor. At the very least, exercising your parental rights by insisting that she attend family therapy with you really doesn’t seem like a violation of her autonomy.

When I was 13 my mother illegally took us out of the country and my father decided not to fight it because he said that he thought that it would just make things worse. (I also suspect that he didn’t want to look like “the bad guy”, since he has this tendency even today.) My inner 13 year old still feels like he really must have not cared all that much, and I know I would have been much better off had he forced the issue. In fact it would have been in my siblings and my highest good if he had been able to get us an order of protection to protect us, quite literally, from being brainwashed by her and the extreme fundamentalist religious group she had joined.  

I also wanted to suggest that you consider getting a consultation with Jennifer Kolari, who has experience working with very troubled teens. Her parenting method has been incredibly helpful for me. She also has a book about parenting teens called You’re Ruining My Life: https://connectedparenting.com/books/youre-ruining-my-life/