Why couldn’t we even manage a friendship…

[Gerontius]

Hi - I really need to understand what has just happened. I feel very low today.
I met a man in early 2019 who seemed very interesting but when I didn’t sleep with him on our first date he completely freaked. He told me he wasn’t well enough for a relationship but would like to keep me as a friend. I tried to be a good and supportive friend but it was difficult because he trauma dumped on me at every opportunity. It was exhausting. There were other odd behaviours too - which I now understand as typical of BPD.
Things improved in early 2020 and I thought our friendship might survive - there were definitely good moments. Not long later I discovered he had begun a relationship with his therapist. Our friendship fell apart and I had no more contact with him. I stopped looking at social media and I put every effort into healing. I particularly worked on my boundaries.
Just before last Christmas he began to text me again. Initially, I ignored the texts but last week I replied to one. The frequency had increased and he told me he had moved closer to me. I replied and told him it had never worked out between us and wished him well. He replied and we exchanged a couple of texts. I realise I shouldn’t have engaged. My tone was polite and my texts were bland. He suggested we went on holiday together because we had chemistry! It was all a bit flirty considering the circumstances. I calmly reminded him that the most we could ever be was friends. He replied by telling me he daydreams about a relationship with me and that together we could be “really quite something” I again replied that although our friendship had had its good moments, we could only ever be friends. My tone was firm and clear and I was determined to maintain my boundaries - I chose my words very carefully. He then told me a number of lies about the relationship he had with his therapist. I replied that he was lying and I deserved better. I told him not to contact me again and then blocked his number.
Why can’t he accept friendship? Why does he think he can return with such an intense and inappropriate approach after so long?
This has to be the final contact between us - why wasn’t it possible to save a friendship? I feel I have failed

[arjay]

why wasn’t it possible to save a friendship? I feel I have failed

Greetings.  Like you I "tried" to remain friends with the BPDxw (at her request).  She is the one that ended the marriage and moved on.  It did take me counseling and a lot personal work to slowly heal from the chaos and the loss of the marriage (I felt completely misunderstood before learning about BPD).  The marriage did have its good moments and why I kept trying to make it work.  Those good-moments however, were way overshadowed by the very "dark" moments, something counseling helped me see.

You didn't "fail".  You are simply unable to maintain a friendship with a person that suffers from a serious emotional disorder.  As much as I tried to redefine my relationship as "friendship", inevitably the same behavior returned, and I was left again emotionally wasted.

Each time I engaged, whether by phone, email, text, etc to her contacting me, inevitably I experienced not only the same outcome, but was fooling myself that it would ever be anything other than what it had always been.   The emotional ups and downs simply set-me-back each time.  My counselor clued me in, that I was essentially being pulled around emotionally, like an animal with a ring in its nose.  In short, I was "blindsiding" myself by expecting that things would be different, even in friendship.  

After six months of trying to be "friends", I finally deleted my email account (I had another), blocked her phone number and went 100% NC (going on 15 years).  I suppose she gave up at some point,  as my emails were being returned.  She had already moved to another state, so I didn't fear her showing up at my door.

Each time we re-engage, all the work we did to move on seems to be lost.  We have essentially begun the separation process all over again, with the clock back to zero days since contact.  The same applies to the emotional impact.  The healing process clock is reset as well, and all our work is for naught.  Too many times I felt like Charlie Brown (Peanuts Cartoon), where each time Lucy snatched the football as I was about to kick, leaving me on my back.  Inevitably knowing my ex's tendency, it was "me" that continued playing a game where the outcome was always the same.  I simply had to "quit playing the game" for good.

All the Best

[Turkish]

Doesn't "no mean no?"

He's borderline harassing you, no pun intended. Your responses have been healthy and kind unlike his. Sex and intimacy with minimal or no boundaries can be typical BPD behaviors, not to mention being oblivious to your feelings and boundaries.

[Gerontius]

Thank you both - your experience is invaluable and I can only imagine the pain you must have experienced. My connection to him has been brief in comparison.
It is over. I have tried every possible way to remain in his life as a supportive friend but he can’t respect my boundaries. I have to stop seeing this as my failure (although I’m not sure how yet!) It is a tragic condition - I don’t think he will ever stop abusing those who care for him. It is just agony to witness.