Probably time to move on, but unsure how

[salvyrn]

Hey all.

I've posted before, long and short is I'm living with my girlfriend with BPD and after an event of me having an emotional affair the blinders were lifted and I really began to see how things were, are, and will be. A night of spitting, scream-crying, insults, thrown phones, and rage was eye opening. Since then I've been in therapy where the main topic is her and my therapist politely asking 'bro why tf haven't you left yet?' I've also talked to friends where the consensus is 'leave' and 'I didn't like what I've seen and I just want you to be happy,' as well as a plethora of online people also saying it's toxic and bad for everyone involved whether it's due to her extreme depression and lack of any cleaning or self care and my trait of being a caretaker and letting this go on for so long.

Anyways. I bought "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" and I've been in a daze before I've even hit the halfway point. It's almost a word for word description of my life for the last couple years. I feel like I have nothing left to give. Finances are a wreck. My mental health is a mess. The house is disgusting. The poor pets are neglected and, shocker, I'm being bled dry to care for them. She barely takes care of herself and needs me to be the self esteem she's lacking. And in order to keep everything going I'm spread too thin and have nothing left. After that breakdown earlier she legitimately tried...for about a week. It's back to her being a permanent victim and me being support.

I guess my main point is what do I do? I'm done. But times are rough for all of us and moving out is difficult if not impossible, especially with pets. I have friends I can maybe crash with. How did everyone find the strength to say enough is enough?

[ForeverDad]

In my case I found "the strength to say enough is enough" was when all other choices had failed.  However, I don't advocate that.  You don't want to be painted into a bad corner where your options are disappearing.

In one way of phrasing it, you're in a relationship with someone who can't find any healthy lasting relationships except for people who care (caretake) too much.

This is a bit blunt but... YOU can decide to end the continuing chaos and abuse.

She is only your GF, not a spouse.  Either one of you can end the relationship.  In less than two years this relationship has turned a reasonably normal man into an upside down life...

Based upon that she would be classified as a "User, loser and abuser".  Retired psychiatrist Joe Carver has this handout, read the first linked article at his site:

Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships

Have you pondered this... Walk away from the entire relationship and give yourself time to recover?

You leave the house when she blows up.  That's understandable, you can't risk an angry woman calling police and you being, by default, being blamed for being a man when a dispute arises.

Since then I've been in therapy where the main topic is her and my therapist politely asking 'bro why tf haven't you left yet?'

I'm wondering, since you have been reluctant to end things, who owns the house?  Or if rented, is she even on the lease?  Clearly she's not leaving despite how much she rants, rages and destroys your life.  It seems the current strained status is her comfort zone.  So it is up to YOU to repair your life.  If it is impractical for you to leave your own home, then she has to leave, even if the process means you have to step out of her reach while it gets done.

[arjay]

"I've been in therapy where the main topic is her and my therapist politely asking 'bro why tf haven't you left yet?"

Yep; been there and heard essentially the same.  In my case he said "I understand what you are dealing with, but what were YOU thinking when you knew things were bad; what is keeping you engaged?; you're like a bull with a ring in its nose being lead around" (smiling at me).

Interestingly, my failure to dis-engage is when my "personal work" began.  My boundaries needed a lot of work, together with my tendency to "rescue".

[salvyrn]

Thank you for the replies. Right now we're both living together and renting with both of us on the lease. I believe it's month to month but I'd have to double check. I'm pretty sure I can afford to live there by myself, I know she can't but she also has relatives around where we live. She did mention that she'd probably take the apt because of my indescretions, but it's hard to say how serious that was.

And yes, I realize only I can really do something about this and have to take the first steps. It's just hard and scary, and part of undoing the caretaker trap is letting go of the behaviors and fears of disappointing her even though it's going to happen no matter what I do. :/ Probably just fear of the retaliation, especially since we tried to repair things for a while. After only a few months though it's back to huge messes and constant splurges. I'll give her credit in that her rage is (mostly) better. But yeah, not enough.