This question may have been asked million times, but can they become so cold?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We all know how easy it is for them to move on. We all know how cold and emotionless they become after they split you. I'm honestly traumatized though. I need some clarifying answers to avoid literally throwing up at how nauseous I feel.

I left the relationship. It was a terribly complicated relationship. We were long distance, for two years, and he left me three times, I chased him every time he left, progressively got more and more restrictive of me due to his own fears even if I never gave him any reason to distrust me (typical borderline with paranoid ideation, he would accuse me of cheating if I forgot to update him with pictures one day. He even thought I was having sex with someone while on the phone with him) and he started restricting me. Didn't let me use social media, asked me to erase old pictures that weren't even revealing, celebrations where there could be men were out of question, got mad at my clothes, didn't let me go to the gym, and restrictions were increasing progressively since his fears were always there. He was even against me doing my master's degree at first. Used the Bible to continuously manipulate me and say how vain I was for doing my master's degree. If I ever didn't feel like having cyber sex, he felt insecure and would cause drama and chaos. I stopped doing a lot of things, but eventually it led me to feeling resentful and angry at him.

He would continuously distrust me out of nowhere and attack me and see me as his enemy. If his control and manipulation wasn't continuously increasing and affecting other areas of my life, I wouldn't have left. There were also terrible double standards of him being allowed to do certain things while it was bad if I did them, the gym is an example. He said I should be happy he's okay with me working with men, that it was a progress for him. His paranoia, accusations, random baseless attacks, going from loving me to seeing me as a complete enemy in one second just because he didn't like a joke, or I suddenly mentioned an ex in a conversation. His manipulation, him punching his own face several times and telling me I led him to that... My love couldn't sustain that.

During our closure conversation, he rationalized it saying  it wasn't controlling because I consented to it. Whenever I tried to tell him that he wasn't compromising and that he would have left me if I didn't consent to it, he didn't want to hear me. He started saying we weren't compatible enough probably and that he loves this new girl (she became his girlfriend IN A MONTH AFTER THE  BREAKUP) because she's doing a lot for him and sacrificing a lot.  That I need to move on. He started saying I wouldn't be capable of doing this long distance again, that's why we can't have this relationship again. He said he had hopes he would move back to his country and we would find a way to meet, because he invested a lot in this relationship already and wanted to see if we could make it work. He started saying I blow things out of proportion and that's why we are not compatible anyway.

I'm absolutely shocked. I'm in pain. I don't know how to even describe this feeling. He painted me black completely, in his eyes there's nothing redeeming in me. He talked with indifference, anger, coldness... If I brought up something hurtful or shameful he did in the past (like rubbing the new girl in my face), he called me resentful and threatened to hang up the phone if I didn't stop bringing up the past. I've never heard such terrible voice and absolute hate stemming from someone who supposedly intensely loved you. He started saying I don't take accountability for my mistakes. That I need to be a victim and have a persecutor in my life.

Yes, I became resentful over time. I felt angry. I couldn't take it anymore. But that's not my nature. Every person I meet, every guy I met so far after him, told me I'm extremely compliant. Some of them even told me I need to start standing up for myself a little bit more. But he thinks I'm a stubborn, resentful and unforgiving person who was a mistake in his life. This girl, in turn, is so good and so sacrificial...

I just can't believe it. After all I endured, now I'm this witch in his eyes. I helped him write his TEFL assignments, I heard each of his rants and complaints about life, supported his goals, waited loyally and commited for two years in an online relationship, sacrificed my identity for him. And only because I couldn't take it anymore, I'm this witch now who's dramatic, blows things out of proportion and is resentful? I just can't believe this is possible. It's too insane.

Does he even believe his own words? What should I do to avoid taking his words as reality? I'm struggling with my own self image and self-esteem after everything he said. I feel extremely inadequate, as if the new girl had something I lacked.

[Pearl111]

We all know how easy it is for them to move on. We all know how cold and emotionless they become after they split you. I'm honestly traumatized though. I need some clarifying answers to avoid literally throwing up at how nauseous I feel.

I left the relationship. It was a terribly complicated relationship. We were long distance, for two years, and he left me three times, I chased him every time he left, progressively got more and more restrictive of me due to his own fears even if I never gave him any reason to distrust me (typical borderline with paranoid ideation, he would accuse me of cheating if I forgot to update him with pictures one day. He even thought I was having sex with someone while on the phone with him) and he started restricting me. Didn't let me use social media, asked me to erase old pictures that weren't even revealing, celebrations where there could be men were out of question, got mad at my clothes, didn't let me go to the gym, and restrictions were increasing progressively since his fears were always there. He was even against me doing my master's degree at first. Used the Bible to continuously manipulate me and say how vain I was for doing my master's degree. If I ever didn't feel like having cyber sex, he felt insecure and would cause drama and chaos. I stopped doing a lot of things, but eventually it led me to feeling resentful and angry at him.

He would continuously distrust me out of nowhere and attack me and see me as his enemy. If his control and manipulation wasn't continuously increasing and affecting other areas of my life, I wouldn't have left. There were also terrible double standards of him being allowed to do certain things while it was bad if I did them, the gym is an example. He said I should be happy he's okay with me working with men, that it was a progress for him. His paranoia, accusations, random baseless attacks, going from loving me to seeing me as a complete enemy in one second just because he didn't like a joke, or I suddenly mentioned an ex in a conversation. His manipulation, him punching his own face several times and telling me I led him to that... My love couldn't sustain that.

During our closure conversation, he rationalized it saying  it wasn't controlling because I consented to it. Whenever I tried to tell him that he wasn't compromising and that he would have left me if I didn't consent to it, he didn't want to hear me. He started saying we weren't compatible enough probably and that he loves this new girl (she became his girlfriend IN A MONTH AFTER THE  BREAKUP) because she's doing a lot for him and sacrificing a lot.  That I need to move on. He started saying I wouldn't be capable of doing this long distance again, that's why we can't have this relationship again. He said he had hopes he would move back to his country and we would find a way to meet, because he invested a lot in this relationship already and wanted to see if we could make it work. He started saying I blow things out of proportion and that's why we are not compatible anyway.

I'm absolutely shocked. I'm in pain. I don't know how to even describe this feeling. He painted me black completely, in his eyes there's nothing redeeming in me. He talked with indifference, anger, coldness... If I brought up something hurtful or shameful he did in the past (like rubbing the new girl in my face), he called me resentful and threatened to hang up the phone if I didn't stop bringing up the past. I've never heard such terrible voice and absolute hate stemming from someone who supposedly intensely loved you. He started saying I don't take accountability for my mistakes. That I need to be a victim and have a persecutor in my life.

Yes, I became resentful over time. I felt angry. I couldn't take it anymore. But that's not my nature. Every person I meet, every guy I met so far after him, told me I'm extremely compliant. Some of them even told me I need to start standing up for myself a little bit more. But he thinks I'm a stubborn, resentful and unforgiving person who was a mistake in his life. This girl, in turn, is so good and so sacrificial...

I just can't believe it. After all I endured, now I'm this witch in his eyes. I helped him write his TEFL assignments, I heard each of his rants and complaints about life, supported his goals, waited loyally and commited for two years in an online relationship, sacrificed my identity for him. And only because I couldn't take it anymore, I'm this witch now who's dramatic, blows things out of proportion and is resentful? I just can't believe this is possible. It's too insane.

Does he even believe his own words? What should I do to avoid taking his words as reality? I'm struggling with my own self image and self-esteem after everything he said. I feel extremely inadequate, as if the new girl had something I lacked.

[Tupla Sport]

Does he even believe his own words? What should I do to avoid taking his words as reality? I'm struggling with my own self image and self-esteem after everything he said. I feel extremely inadequate, as if the new girl had something I lacked.

A thing that is easy to overlook about splitting and the black and white world of untreated, under-regulated BPD, is that that it encompasses much of their cognition, especially under stress.

We tend to perhaps think that b&w thinking is mostly related to big picture thinking. After all, fairly regulated people don't go seeing each and every detail in their consciousness as b&w. People might lash out and have moments where everything is wrong, twisted and bad for a second. But generally, that's not how people operate long-term.

Unless they have a severe condition such as indeed BPD, untreated.

Shame also plays a big role. A person with BPD after a breakup, and in general, will often downplay their responsibility to the absolute minimum at best and outright call you an abuser at worst. Handling their own shame is one of the scariest and most impossible things for them. They will find a way to spin everything back to you. Even cheating and violence. "Look what you made me do" sounds like something they could say with a straight face.

Like my ex. In the moment of breaking up, she reasoned we were simply not happy together, and this was "confirmed to her by multiple discussions with different people." Probably mostly the guy she triangulated and cheated with on me because her closest friends had little idea what was happening. So not only did she skip her responsibility over her jarring and crippling mental illness, she also seemed to lie about the very conversations she was having. She probably thought it was a reasonable enough thing to say.

After I got hysterical at her, without asking her back however, she went on TikTok and called me a narcissist and that she was a survivor of narcissist abuse.

I was being terribly mean to her there because I could't help but lash out as she forced me to go on a break but she literally went from "I have no ill will towards you. It's just best for us to part now." to "There's nothing like being ruined by a narcissist ex."

[alterK]

This may be hard to see at first, because everything about his appearance is designed to conceal the fundamental truth, but a person like the man you are describing is operating from a position of fear. Terror.

Fear of what? It's a floating terror that can attach itself to anything. A work relationship with another person. A trip somewhere. A conversation in the supermarket. It often shows itself as anger, or a desperate need to be in control. But you instantly become a threat, and then his being is concentrated on protecting himself.

A person like this is suffering, and maybe that's part of what draws you/us to them: somehow feeling their pain underneath, the desire to help and comfort. But you cannot help him. It's a problem you can't solve, a situation you can't make better. He is the only one who can do it, and you can't even help him with encouragement to get help. The only one you can help is yourself. You need and deserve it.

[Rev]

Does he even believe his own words? What should I do to avoid taking his words as reality? I'm struggling with my own self image and self-esteem after everything he said. I feel extremely inadequate, as if the new girl had something I lacked.

Hey there Pearl,

This here can be really tough if it has become rooted into your nervous system. I know that in my case, it had. It took about six months for me before I began to feel even remotely normal.

For me, it was a question of getting myself to functional before worrying about how I felt about anything. In the early days, there were still some happy times and a lot of coping times coupled with anxiety.

My mantra today is - give your body time to catch up to your mind.  It really does take time for a relationship like this one to make its way out of our nervous systems.

So, if you don't mind me asking, how long have you been broken up?  And what does your personal life look like now. What is your routine like? What kind of a support system to do you have?  If you feel it might help, we could certainly talk about what it takes to "de-tox" from this. Hard as it is to compute, it really doesn't have anything to do with you. What I found hard, and maybe you feel the same, is that I gave something to her that I just couldn't get back because there is no closure in the same way as other relationships. That's why it takes time. What you gave him, it will need to grow back - if that makes sense.

Anyway, I just wanted to add that I am sorry for your pain. You really sound like you gave a lot of yourself emotionally to him.

Hang in there. Be kind to yourself as best as you can. Reach out here any time.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Rev

[Turkish]

The cold and sudden emotional cut-off is hard to comprehend. Did they really love us? For a time... maybe as best that they were able. Then we get "replaced" as members like to say. I not sure that it's replacement, but rather fleeing towards that which assuages internal pain.

My ex recently opined on Facebook that she was sad that she didn't have a partner at this time. I checked myself from replying, "then stop getting rid of them." She got rid of the guy she left me for, married and was soo in love with.

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

This might help you. I wish we'd share it more here to discuss.

This one, too.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[Pearl111]

Does he even believe his own words? What should I do to avoid taking his words as reality? I'm struggling with my own self image and self-esteem after everything he said. I feel extremely inadequate, as if the new girl had something I lacked.

Hey there Pearl,

This here can be really tough if it has become rooted into your nervous system. I know that in my case, it had. It took about six months for me before I began to feel even remotely normal.

For me, it was a question of getting myself to functional before worrying about how I felt about anything. In the early days, there were still some happy times and a lot of coping times coupled with anxiety.

My mantra today is - give your body time to catch up to your mind.  It really does take time for a relationship like this one to make its way out of our nervous systems.

So, if you don't mind me asking, how long have you been broken up?  And what does your personal life look like now. What is your routine like? What kind of a support system to do you have?  If you feel it might help, we could certainly talk about what it takes to "de-tox" from this. Hard as it is to compute, it really doesn't have anything to do with you. What I found hard, and maybe you feel the same, is that I gave something to her that I just couldn't get back because there is no closure in the same way as other relationships. That's why it takes time. What you gave him, it will need to grow back - if that makes sense.

Anyway, I just wanted to add that I am sorry for your pain. You really sound like you gave a lot of yourself emotionally to him.

Hang in there. Be kind to yourself as best as you can. Reach out here any time.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Rev

Hi Rev. Thanks for taking your time to read this. I did give a lot in this relationship and I tried to be a very patient and reassuring girlfriend. But I guess my limit was surpassed and it started making me feel resentful, and it snowballed from there because I just couldn't take it anymore.

Answering your question, this has been a pretty recent event. He strung me along for a while while dating this new girl because he was future faking saying that he planned to go back to his home country and once he did it he wanted to restore our relationship. All while dating the new girl and saying he had feelings for her. I fell for that. He continuously said he wanted to reset our relationship and so on, but he would find a bunch of excuses to not leave the girl he was with and start something with me. So I had to make the move and cut him off, that's when I received the most hurtful comments.

My routine is pretty stable. I go to work, I come home and I try to keep myself busy during the weekends. I don't really have a good support system and that's why I try to find reassurance in forums like this one. My family doesn't really understand what I went through and I get the typical comments of "just get over it". I also don't like burdening my friends so I tend not to open up much about what I'm going through. I'm not doing extremely bad though. As time passed by, I'm feeling more like myself, little by little.

I realized some days ago that he unblocked me after blocking me the last time we talked, but honestly I have no energy or desire for another ride, so I'll just ignore.

I think that's what hurts me the most. It feels I poured my love and care into a bottomless pit and it was bound to fail from the beginning. What's worse is that I never got an acknowledgment for how much I did for the relationship and how much I endured and how valid my pain was. As I already said, I got insults, blame shifting, attacks to my persona that were completely and insanely untrue, and I got removed like old trash to give way to the new girl. I feel like this even if I was the one leaving.

Thank you again for your comment.

[Pearl111]

This may be hard to see at first, because everything about his appearance is designed to conceal the fundamental truth, but a person like the man you are describing is operating from a position of fear. Terror.

Fear of what? It's a floating terror that can attach itself to anything. A work relationship with another person. A trip somewhere. A conversation in the supermarket. It often shows itself as anger, or a desperate need to be in control. But you instantly become a threat, and then his being is concentrated on protecting himself.

A person like this is suffering, and maybe that's part of what draws you/us to them: somehow feeling their pain underneath, the desire to help and comfort. But you cannot help him. It's a problem you can't solve, a situation you can't make better. He is the only one who can do it, and you can't even help him with encouragement to get help. The only one you can help is yourself. You need and deserve it.

I know he was suffering. The moment I understood he was suffering extremely was when he thought that I was having sex with someone when I was talking on the phone with him just because my breathing was heavy because I was ill. His voice was trembling and he was asking me to video call him and show him that I was alone. He kept asking that several times.

His thoughts would randomly attack him even when I gave him no reason to doubt me the way that he did. If during those times he approached me with vulnerability and fear and told me he needs reassurance, I would have given it to him. But instead he channeled that into anger and accusations and he would split me and see me as his enemy. He would never give me the benefit of the doubt and he got used to me swearing in God's name, something that I disliked doing but was the only thing that worked with him.

He knew his issues and he had awareness of the fact that he was acting from a place of fear and he was completely driven by terror. It didn't prevent him from trying to annihilate me emotionally after I left him and bury all his wrongdoings in an inaccessible corner of his mind. He couldn't accept the fact I left him because he was being abusive even if all of it came from his fear: control, uncompromising nature, paranoia, attacks, rages, accusations of not being loving enough even if I was bending over backwards to show him care... All of that just drove me to insanity. I wasn't feeling peace in the relationship. But I know he is a troubled man. One day he opened up to me and told me that he had his guard up with me at the beginning because he knows how he can become when he lets his feelings out. Then, he started crying absolutely devastated.

I know I could have done nothing to fix him, it would have led us to a miserable life, but sometimes I still feel guilty for not having been more patient.

[Turkish]

What's worse is that I never got an acknowledgment for how much I did for the relationship and how much I endured and how valid my pain was.

Just prior to our only recycle, I advocated for her at the mechanic and saved her over $2k on an engine rebuild where they were at fault. No matter. She still treated me badly.

The transactional aspect of the r/s (or any relationship) I still think about to this day. What is enough? And what really matters?