The venom is getting less lethal

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm inching toward getting my STBXh out of my life for good. Over the holiday break, I'm going to have to go through the remainder of his personal items and put them out in the garage and then my lawyer is going to have a professional come inventory the car parts he left in my basement. If the guy is willing to buy the lot of them for an agreed-on price, that will be great, but we will see.

Meanwhile, he continues to roller coaster up and down when it comes to his text messages. We're no longer connected on social media, so that's good. I have his texts on mute, so I don't have to get constant alerts. He goes on a "kick" of texting nonstop and then he goes completely silent for a few days, and then picks back up at some point. The texting cycle goes from apologetic and tantalizing ("if we got back together, he'd finally help me pay down debt and contribute to the household expenses, he'd go to therapy, he'd make me feel appreciated, etc."), to guilting ("without me, he's suffering, he's too old to find another relationship, he's going to die alone, he has no friends or family here, etc."), to shaming and rage ("I'm a SICK - he always writes this in all caps - person who BACKSTABBED him and who enjoys watching him suffer, I am a monster who secretly plotted with my HAG lawyer to hurt him and make him homeless, etc."), to trying to elicit fear ("I will never find someone as good as him, I'm old/fat and nobody else will find me attractive, I am going to wind up alone and sad and in mounds of debt for life, etc.").

He is in a rage cycle now. It's interesting - it used to really wound me to see this funhouse mirror version of myself, a practical Disney villain, held up in front of me. It really needled into my worst codependent fears. Here, I spent all of this time hesitating to leave because I didn't want to hurt him and re-traumatize him, but no matter how gently I had orchestrated his "landing," he was always going to paint me as a bad person. He was always going to trash that idealized version of me that he portrayed when I was his "favorite person." There was never going to be a way around it, yet, I spent SO much time fearing it, trying to avoid it.

The thing is, the more he cycles through all of this and the more distance I get from him, the less I care what he thinks of me. It's like, "Okay, you want to paint me as Cruella, fine, but that's not the truth." I know, deep down, he knows that too, but most importantly, I know it.

I'm looking forward to getting a lot of this stuff resolved. Once his physical items are out of my house, I think I will feel a lot better.

[WitzEndWife]

I'm inching toward getting my STBXh out of my life for good. Over the holiday break, I'm going to have to go through the remainder of his personal items and put them out in the garage and then my lawyer is going to have a professional come inventory the car parts he left in my basement. If the guy is willing to buy the lot of them for an agreed-on price, that will be great, but we will see.

Meanwhile, he continues to roller coaster up and down when it comes to his text messages. We're no longer connected on social media, so that's good. I have his texts on mute, so I don't have to get constant alerts. He goes on a "kick" of texting nonstop and then he goes completely silent for a few days, and then picks back up at some point. The texting cycle goes from apologetic and tantalizing ("if we got back together, he'd finally help me pay down debt and contribute to the household expenses, he'd go to therapy, he'd make me feel appreciated, etc."), to guilting ("without me, he's suffering, he's too old to find another relationship, he's going to die alone, he has no friends or family here, etc."), to shaming and rage ("I'm a SICK - he always writes this in all caps - person who BACKSTABBED him and who enjoys watching him suffer, I am a monster who secretly plotted with my HAG lawyer to hurt him and make him homeless, etc."), to trying to elicit fear ("I will never find someone as good as him, I'm old/fat and nobody else will find me attractive, I am going to wind up alone and sad and in mounds of debt for life, etc.").

He is in a rage cycle now. It's interesting - it used to really wound me to see this funhouse mirror version of myself, a practical Disney villain, held up in front of me. It really needled into my worst codependent fears. Here, I spent all of this time hesitating to leave because I didn't want to hurt him and re-traumatize him, but no matter how gently I had orchestrated his "landing," he was always going to paint me as a bad person. He was always going to trash that idealized version of me that he portrayed when I was his "favorite person." There was never going to be a way around it, yet, I spent SO much time fearing it, trying to avoid it.

The thing is, the more he cycles through all of this and the more distance I get from him, the less I care what he thinks of me. It's like, "Okay, you want to paint me as Cruella, fine, but that's not the truth." I know, deep down, he knows that too, but most importantly, I know it.

I'm looking forward to getting a lot of this stuff resolved. Once his physical items are out of my house, I think I will feel a lot better.

[SaltyDawg]

Thanks for venting.  It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and have a reasonable exit strategy, and more importantly you are not letting the drama bother you as much that is absolutely the right thing to do with a borderline.

Keep up the good work, and don't look back.

[NotAHero]

I'm inching toward getting my STBXh out of my life for good. Over the holiday break, I'm going to have to go through the remainder of his personal items and put them out in the garage and then my lawyer is going to have a professional come inventory the car parts he left in my basement. If the guy is willing to buy the lot of them for an agreed-on price, that will be great, but we will see.

Meanwhile, he continues to roller coaster up and down when it comes to his text messages. We're no longer connected on social media, so that's good. I have his texts on mute, so I don't have to get constant alerts. He goes on a "kick" of texting nonstop and then he goes completely silent for a few days, and then picks back up at some point. The texting cycle goes from apologetic and tantalizing ("if we got back together, he'd finally help me pay down debt and contribute to the household expenses, he'd go to therapy, he'd make me feel appreciated, etc."), to guilting ("without me, he's suffering, he's too old to find another relationship, he's going to die alone, he has no friends or family here, etc."), to shaming and rage ("I'm a SICK - he always writes this in all caps - person who BACKSTABBED him and who enjoys watching him suffer, I am a monster who secretly plotted with my HAG lawyer to hurt him and make him homeless, etc."), to trying to elicit fear ("I will never find someone as good as him, I'm old/fat and nobody else will find me attractive, I am going to wind up alone and sad and in mounds of debt for life, etc.").

He is in a rage cycle now. It's interesting - it used to really wound me to see this funhouse mirror version of myself, a practical Disney villain, held up in front of me. It really needled into my worst codependent fears. Here, I spent all of this time hesitating to leave because I didn't want to hurt him and re-traumatize him, but no matter how gently I had orchestrated his "landing," he was always going to paint me as a bad person. He was always going to trash that idealized version of me that he portrayed when I was his "favorite person." There was never going to be a way around it, yet, I spent SO much time fearing it, trying to avoid it.

The thing is, the more he cycles through all of this and the more distance I get from him, the less I care what he thinks of me. It's like, "Okay, you want to paint me as Cruella, fine, but that's not the truth." I know, deep down, he knows that too, but most importantly, I know it.

I'm looking forward to getting a lot of this stuff resolved. Once his physical items are out of my house, I think I will feel a lot better.

 This is standard BPD behavior. The reason I lead with that statement is to help you not taking it personally. None of it is real, they use the exact same tactics against the partner they paint black. It seems that you already know that but take a look on the forums and see how the disorder takes over the entire being of the person.  Many of us here went through the exact same thing.

 Stay strong and with time these tactics won’t even scratch you anymore.

[WitzEndWife]

Does this cycle ever end? Do they ever move on? Right now, he says he isn't interested in dating or trying to find someone else. He is 100 percent fixated on me and is delusional, thinking he will eventually be back in my home. That part makes me feel a little scared, that he's not accepting reality. It feels like he will never let go.

Maybe once things are finalized, if we ever get to that point, it will help move things along. I think if he still thinks he has a chance to stop the divorce from happening, he will stay in this delusional space. 

[Tangled mangled]

As you have rightly put it, it’s a delusional space. Leaving his belongings in your home enables him maintain some form contact with you. Perhaps when it’s all finalised he will move on to a previous supply or his mum.

I still live in the same home with mine and quietly planning my escape across the country with my 2 children. I have court orders in my favour. For now mine is in that delusional space too, although he’s not allowed to speak to me, we only communicate via text or email for essential purposes, childcare or utilities.
If there’s a way to create more and more distance then do so. I simply said to mine that I do not consent to communication for non essential purposes and gave a clear definition of what essential purposes are.
Good luck, hope this will pass soon

[GaGrl]

What is required on his part to move the divorce forward? Is mediation required? At what point will he need to make a court appearance or appear in a judge's chambers?

Dealing with the reality of the court system might cause him to separate his emotions from being tied up in you.

[NotAHero]

Does this cycle ever end? Do they ever move on? Right now, he says he isn't interested in dating or trying to find someone else. He is 100 percent fixated on me and is delusional, thinking he will eventually be back in my home. That part makes me feel a little scared, that he's not accepting reality. It feels like he will never let go.

Maybe once things are finalized, if we ever get to that point, it will help move things along. I think if he still thinks he has a chance to stop the divorce from happening, he will stay in this delusional space. 

 It may seem like he is fixated forever, but once they give up they will move on quickly. .
 
 The key in this stage is not to engage with him due to the danger of emotional arousal that can cause him to do something stupid.

 Longterm, don’t worry, once a new toy catches his eyes he will move on.

[WitzEndWife]

What is required on his part to move the divorce forward? Is mediation required? At what point will he need to make a court appearance or appear in a judge's chambers?

Dealing with the reality of the court system might cause him to separate his emotions from being tied up in you.

I have to inventory this hoard of car parts he has left in my basement and refuses to inventory himself. I have let him in the house several times with that explicit purpose and he proceeded to go through my fridge, make himself food, and sit around the house like it was the most normal thing in the world. He is clearly incapable of doing it, so I have to pay someone.

Once I have that inventory, we can work on a settlement. Once we have the settlement, we can have the divorce hearing. Unfortunately, the guy who was supposed to inventory the parts fell ill last week, so I will have to wait for that appointment to be rescheduled.  I just want this all to be over and done with.

[Notwendy]

Does this cycle ever end? Do they ever move on? Right now, he says he isn't interested in dating or trying to find someone else. He is 100 percent fixated on me and is delusional, thinking he will eventually be back in my home. That part makes me feel a little scared, that he's not accepting reality. It feels like he will never let go.

Maybe once things are finalized, if we ever get to that point, it will help move things along. I think if he still thinks he has a chance to stop the divorce from happening, he will stay in this delusional space. 

If the only relationship "tool" one has is a "hammer" ( this behavior with you), they will hammer everything and keep on hammering as long as it works. This "hammer" of his has worked for years and now it isn't working for him ( yay to you for that!) but he hasn't learned new tools yet. This is an extinction burst.

The hammer has worked for him for a long time. It's his way of getting his needs met - materially, emotionally. Can he learn new skills? There's no way to know that yet, but that isn't your responsibility. Do not pick up this responsibility for him. You have done that long enough to your own detriment and his continued dysfunction. He is not your problem!

However, there is one way to be sure he doesn't learn any better ways to take care of himself and that is to allow the hammer to work. Enabling him has not been in his best interest. It may feel as if you are the bad guy now, but you aren't. Enabling was not good for him. You were not being the good guy then.

If a toddler wants a cookie before dinner, and you say no, and the toddler has a tantrum, is it being the good guy to give them a cookie to stop the tantrum? Or does that teach them that they can get what they want when they tantrum. The best interest of the child is to not give in to the tantrum so they learn the tantrum doesn't work. But first, they will test that and tantrum for a while.

The best chance of your ex to stop his tantrum is to ignore it. He will either realize it doesn't work and learn another way to get his needs met or find someone else who gives in to his tantrum. This is not your problem- it's entirely up to him. He's a grown adult, not a toddler, and you don't need to be responsible for a grown adult who acts like one.

[SaltyDawg]

He is in a rage cycle now. It's interesting - it used to really wound me to see this funhouse mirror version of myself, a practical Disney villain, held up in front of me. It really needled into my worst codependent fears.

I love this analogy, I can really relate 

I have to inventory this hoard of car parts he has left in my basement and refuses to inventory himself. I have let him in the house several times with that explicit purpose and he proceeded to go through my fridge, make himself food, and sit around the house like it was the most normal thing in the world. He is clearly incapable of doing it, so I have to pay someone.

Once I have that inventory, we can work on a settlement. Once we have the settlement, we can have the divorce hearing. Unfortunately, the guy who was supposed to inventory the parts fell ill last week, so I will have to wait for that appointment to be rescheduled.  I just want this all to be over and done with.

I feel your pain.  Before I was married to my moderate uBPDw, I had a severe exNPD/BPDgf.  [watch out for your next relationship, learn the signs, I didn't learn my lesson the first time around, being a caretaker type myself, NPD/BPDs are attracted to me, and I am a fat-but-fit obese dude, they will search out whomever will enable them]  If you can afford it, might I suggest 'cutting your losses' and running, I found that to be far more satisfying emotionally than worrying about how much debt that she owed me [$50k in the year 2000 which roughly equals to $150k today], never got it back, but she was out of my life for good.  If you are open to this, just photograph the hoard of parts [hand it to your lawyer let him deal with it with his cut], arrange for stbxH to pick them up, so he can put it in a storage unit, and your done, even though you will be out however much the car parts are worth -- but it will be out of your life - one less thing to worry about.

If he claims hardship and can't do that, contact his attorney, and ask his attorney to move and put it in storage at his expense, or you can threaten you can charge him $50 per month, per part [make it outrageous] to store it for him in your house.  There are many ways to deal with this .

[WitzEndWife]

If the only relationship "tool" one has is a "hammer" ( this behavior with you), they will hammer everything and keep on hammering as long as it works. This "hammer" of his has worked for years and now it isn't working for him ( yay to you for that!) but he hasn't learned new tools yet. This is an extinction burst.

...

The best chance of your ex to stop his tantrum is to ignore it. He will either realize it doesn't work and learn another way to get his needs met or find someone else who gives in to his tantrum. This is not your problem- it's entirely up to him. He's a grown adult, not a toddler, and you don't need to be responsible for a grown adult who acts like one.

Yes, this is so right on. I have been reading the book, "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward and, as I've said before, this guy has a toolbox of these emotional blackmail "hammers" to wield to hit on my F, O, or G. He tries luring me back with promises (I'll go to therapy!), or guilting me back (showing me how much he is suffering without me, sending pics of himself crying), or trying to compel me through a sense of obligation (I did ALL of these things for you, I was loyal, etc.), or playing on my fears (rejection, being seen as a bad person). He's throwing all these cudgels, but he's missing, and it's making him panic.

It's especially bad right now because it is right around the Christmas holiday and he's going to have to spend it alone. Instead of making the most of it like most reasonable adults who have to spend the holidays alone, he is doing his best Oliver Twist impression: cast out of his home with no money, no food, no friends, nothing! If I would ONLY relent and let him "come home," I would no longer be seen as a heartless monster.

I am looking forward to not even being bothered with this funhouse mirror version of reality. At least it doesn't influence me anymore.

[WitzEndWife]

I feel your pain.  Before I was married to my moderate uBPDw, I had a severe exNPD/BPDgf.  [watch out for your next relationship, learn the signs, I didn't learn my lesson the first time around, being a caretaker type myself, NPD/BPDs are attracted to me, and I am a fat-but-fit obese dude, they will search out whomever will enable them]  If you can afford it, might I suggest 'cutting your losses' and running, I found that to be far more satisfying emotionally than worrying about how much debt that she owed me [$50k in the year 2000 which roughly equals to $150k today], never got it back, but she was out of my life for good.  If you are open to this, just photograph the hoard of parts [hand it to your lawyer let him deal with it with his cut], arrange for stbxH to pick them up, so he can put it in a storage unit, and your done, even though you will be out however much the car parts are worth -- but it will be out of your life - one less thing to worry about.

If he claims hardship and can't do that, contact his attorney, and ask his attorney to move and put it in storage at his expense, or you can threaten you can charge him $50 per month, per part [make it outrageous] to store it for him in your house.  There are many ways to deal with this .

I'm hoping this car expert guy, who is now rescheduled for next Wednesday, will be able to just haul the stuff away and give me a lot price for it all. That way, I can be done with it. If not, then I'll have to come up with another plan. I do like the "charge by the item" idea. *practices evil villain laugh*.

[SaltyDawg]

...now don't go too far with that "Disney Villain" thing with your evil laugh -- it can be fun to fantasize though 

[SinisterComplex]

Yes, this is so right on. I have been reading the book, "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward and, as I've said before, this guy has a toolbox of these emotional blackmail "hammers" to wield to hit on my F, O, or G. He tries luring me back with promises (I'll go to therapy!), or guilting me back (showing me how much he is suffering without me, sending pics of himself crying), or trying to compel me through a sense of obligation (I did ALL of these things for you, I was loyal, etc.), or playing on my fears (rejection, being seen as a bad person). He's throwing all these cudgels, but he's missing, and it's making him panic.

It's especially bad right now because it is right around the Christmas holiday and he's going to have to spend it alone. Instead of making the most of it like most reasonable adults who have to spend the holidays alone, he is doing his best Oliver Twist impression: cast out of his home with no money, no food, no friends, nothing! If I would ONLY relent and let him "come home," I would no longer be seen as a heartless monster.

I am looking forward to not even being bothered with this funhouse mirror version of reality. At least it doesn't influence me anymore.

Narcissistic traits at its finest. By not reacting you are taking the power away and yes because of changing the power dynamic the insecurities will surface and come to light.

Just continue to do YOU and be firm and indifferent.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[MeandThee29]

Does this cycle ever end? Do they ever move on? 

Sorta in my case. I'm sorry that you are going through this. My marriage covered several decades, and I've been divorced for almost three years. He was the one who left in 2017. He's had various romantic interests from what I know.

He behaved horribly during the separation, divorce, and closeout and had multiple mental health crises that scared his attorney. Our kids were in college, so no custody issues (thankfully). The kids have been no contact for over three years, and I'm email-only.

He still periodically reappears via email/mail. It's gotten much better with Bill Eddy's BIFF method, but my ex still believes that he deserves a relationship with our kids and that we just "split" because of my mental health issues. He denies all the years of drama before and after. He was formally diagnosed by our mutual therapist who assured me that other than anxiety and depression (not unexpected), I am perfectly normal.

As my divorce attorney said many times, you have to keep your powder dry with these types of people.

[WitzEndWife]

It's SO fascinating how they end up in complete denial of their actions during the relationship. I mean, I guess it's not entirely off brand, but it's been interesting to watch how things settle.

My uBPDSTBXh goes through cycles. Like, at first, he is apologetic and admits to wrongdoing, then promises to change (IF I get back with him first), then he goes into trying to say both of us won't find anyone else and that we're too old, then he goes into suffering mode, and then he goes into a severe split/discard/denial of any facts. If I were studying this from the outside, I'd probably be enthralled.