Feels like vacation time

[Tortuga50550]

It's been near a month since my father's been out of the country, visiting his family. I've been in LC with him while he's away, my mother being the one who calls him and texts him the most. And things are...messy. But good.

I feel sager at home. And more confortable. I no longer hear him smash things or scream out of frustration. I can stay at home if I'm feeling tired, knowing that he's not goint to trigger me again (and making me feel even more tired). My mother and I talk more, with more freedom too. We restarted the family tradition of watching movies or series together during the weekends (wich we had stoped several years ago). We cook together pastries. We've talked about my traumas. My triggers. I feel that without my father's presence, she's been more open to listen. She no longers looks with mistrust at this forum, and even accepted my proposition of sending her the link, so she could maybe talk with other person who're in a romantinc relationship with BPD. Not sure if she has looked at, but the fact she didn't pushed the idea aside it's trully a change.

I still feel trigger by a lot of situations. Even more than before. Certain scenes or dialogues in comics, movies or books trigger me into a deep sadness, anger or both. I sometimes cry without a clear reason. I still fear to react like my father when I'm angry, but at least I'm aware that shouting isn't a healty way to express anger. So I'll guess I'll find a way sooner or later.

I'm still on the waiting list for a therapist. But I was send to a psychaetrist to be seen, and she promised me she would put a note so I could be seen sooner. Didn't get diagnosed with PTSD because I haven't been sexually or physically abused, wich is a bummer, but didn't surprised me at all.

About my father...It's still complicated.  I miss him from time to time, but I'm not sure who I'm missing: it's the father I thought I used to have or someone I've never met? But I think I can see now a world where I would just be LC or NC without him. I think it'll be the best, at least till I've healed a little bit more. I started pitying him too, a little bit. The day I'll leave, he'll be abandoned again. I'll feel guilty, like I do now. But I don't want to carry another person's sins. And I don't think staying out of pity it's the best thing for either of us right now.

In a month more or less, he'll return home. I'm anxious and kind of scare...We've been talking a lot with my mother. She told that she's only delaying what's inevitable: divorcing it's only a question of when, she says. Not sure to believe her or not. But no matter what happens, I feel like there's a before and an after to everything.

When we came to Canada, it was only my mother and I. It was only a few months, but it was the happiest time of my life. I can't say I'm as happy as before. But I don't want to return to my normality with my father again. I'm not sure I can either.

[Methuen]

Tortuga, I hear you when you say it feels like vacation time.

Four years ago I went on a vacation on the other side of the world.  I was far enough away from my mother that I felt like I was on another planet, and I think that may have been the first time in my life I felt the "release" that I imagine you are referring to when you say it feels like vacation time.  It's remarkable just how great the distance needs to be for us to feel safe and unencumbered.

It's great that you were able to have such a candid conversation with your mom whilst your dad was away.  

When your dad gets back, and returns into her space, I wonder if she might change her mind about the divorce?  My father died 18 years ago (almost to the day).  He was such a good and kind person - but he would have never left her - for anything - including me probably.

Do you think they have any co-dependent tendancies? Remember that it's possible that whatever you tell her - she may tell him if she's under pressure.  

I'm really glad the two of you had this extended time away from him.  When I had that 3 wonderful 3 weeks of vacation far away from my mom, it forced me to see some things more clearly.  Things that I would otherwise have never seen.  It was like a mini little scientific experiment.  The control was my "normal" with her living nearby.  The experiment was being on the other side of the world, and experiencing that complete freedom, and ...space.  It sounds like maybe this is what you've enjoyed?  Have I got that right?

I'm not a therapist, but I'm kind of surprised they told you that you didn't have PTSD because you haven't been physically or sexually abused. Others with more knowledge can chime in here but I think this information could be contested.  You could do some research of your own using reliable sources to find more information, or talk to a different expert about it.

It sounds like you are living with your parents.  Are you working, or still going to school?

[Tortuga50550]

When your dad gets back, and returns into her space, I wonder if she might change her mind about the divorce?  My father died 18 years ago (almost to the day).  He was such a good and kind person - but he would have never left her - for anything - including me probably.

Do you think they have any co-dependent tendancies? Remember that it's possible that whatever you tell her - she may tell him if she's under pressure. 

I honestly have no clue. I know she won't tell him the things we talk about. Not neceserrally because I have full trust on my mom, but because she knows that if she tells him, he's going to explode. And even worst, he could blame her. He tends to do that whenever I show some distance with him, blame my mother and tell her that she's brainwashing me. So I don't think she'll tell him anything. But I do have my doubts about the divorce. I don't know about my dad, but I always felt that my mother was somehow repeatting the same pattern as my grandmother. Marry an unstable man who acts nice till he's frustrated. But I don't think she's very co-dependent of him. I would say that she's afraid of him, even if she's never said it outloud. She's afraid of his reactions and of the consequences a divorce would have on us.

The experiment was being on the other side of the world, and experiencing that complete freedom, and ...space.  It sounds like maybe this is what you've enjoyed?  Have I got that right?

Oh, you got it right. I've been miserable some days, but I really enjoy my complete freedom and space. And safety.

Are you working, or still going to school?

I do both, kind of? I'm still at University, doing a bacc degree, but I have a part time job too. But the job it's not enough for me to be able to live alone, specially now with the raise of prices. So I stay at my parents house for now.