Things I've done to empower myself

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, some of you may have been following me. It's been an anxiety inducing time. I stayed up for almost 2 days, just to get time away from my Dad, because I never felt safe around him. I stayed up at night, and he would notice and tried to stay up with me, and I'd go back in my room, I basically had to out last him, then when he was finally asleep, I got ahold of my counselor, and vented it all out to him.

I explained how he's been screwing with me for years now that I've been analyzing all of his behavior, how he treated me when I was injured seemed especially abhorrent, but also how he acted around when my dog was sick seemed pretty terrible, and told him I was suspicious of how he treated my codependent mom, around the time she died. I really let my fear and anger and disgust out, and it felt good to have someone finally validate me. He ended the phone call with "Be careful".

First when I was angry, I told my Dad that I don't want to talk. And he kept pushing the issue, even tried to ask me if I wanted a cup of coffee poured for me, to try to cross my boundary (he always does little nice things to do that), then when I said "I don't want to talk at all, I don't want anything, he acted upset, and then I said "I'm allowed to not want to talk dude" and he tried to guilt trip me for calling him dude. And I stayed silent. His response was to become anxiety ridden and act like a little rejected child, deeply ashamed. I know it really hurt him, but I don't feel sorry for him right now.

Next, I started spending lots of time in my room, I burnt myself out on chores, and probably talked to myself too much around my Dad because the anxiety was so high. I told him not to come into my room recently, and he charged in here last night and gave me something, then I caught him this morning, feeding my cat in my room, which he rarely does. I know he was trying to cross my boundary and maybe wanted to search the room.

So today, I moved my CPAP in my room, moved some household products out, and told him that I don't want him in my room, for anything. I've spent the whole day in my room. I also stashed my journals somewhere, where I doubt he will find them, and am going to vent most of it here, or in notepad, and then just not save the file. It's terrible to live like this, but the less he knows, the safer I am. So, my room has a lock on it (but the house key opens it, but it still makes me feel safer), and I've spent almost the whole day here. It's nice to feel like I can rest finally. I'm being super gentle with myself, because I'm burnt out as hell.

Also, I've done some reckless things, like cuss at night about it, pacing near the kitchen or whatever, and some of it was near his room. It was because I was too scared to feel angry near him for a while, and all of it bottled up, drove me crazy. My current plan is to do it in text, and let myself feel angry, sad or whatever when I walk by him (silently). If he bothers me, I will set boundaries, I'm going to have to be strong to deal with him, not antagonistic, but very firm, when need be. I'm going to have to have some freedom in my own home, to feel, and rest, or I'm not going to last very long in this situation.

I've also thought of various contingency plans in case of emergencies, or if I can't handle it, none of them are good, especially with my pets, but I'm willing to take them if I have no choice. I'm going to try to make this work for my pets, and because I don't want to blow up my life right now. I'm working on walking, it's very slow progress, but it's something. I also want him to get money out of the bank, so I can have a bit of cash on hand to take a cab somewhere, if I need to.

I'm also trying to moderate my focus on the past and future, because it was consuming me far too much, which just makes me feel more and more helpless. Another thing, is I'm going to allow myself to vent here, more. I stopped doing it, but I need it, even if the responses I got were rather rare. It's better than nothing, and it allows me to feel less alone.

The road out of this is going to be hard, and long, but if I can set good boundaries, and get some space, and not try to work with my Dad so much on things, then I think it will empower me (and him), and if he's more empowered, then he'll be less likely to want to control, because he's like this, because he feels powerless. So the less I even offer any input, the better. The only time I have, was to say stuff that's empowering to him, like "your mind doesn't choose what you do, you do", or "you deserve to be put first sometimes, or whatever".

Anyways, trying to focus on myself and the pets, and it helps when I can, but it's so anxiety inducing dealing with him, and then the trauma of it all is too. This has been so crazy, but tonight, locked in my own room, finally able to rest in my own bed, I feel like I finally have some control over my life.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, I talked to my sister again, and I think although I don't trust my Dad a lot, I think I'm only focusing on his worst behavior, and he's not this evil, sociopath, that I thought he was. He's just immature, needy, and manipulative. I don't know how calculated his manipulations are, I don't think he has the emotional maturity to really understand what he's doing. I'm not saying it's right at all, but I think I don't need to be as afraid as I have been.

I also had this long conversation with my Dad, in which I told him, I don't trust you a lot right now and if you want my trust, or a relationship with me, you'll have to:

Respect my boundaries/ask if you can talk to me sometimes/set your own boundaries
Consider my suffering, so that at least you're not adding to it, by bothering/hurting me when I'm in emotional or physical pain.
(I didn't bring up the manipulative behavior, because I didn't think it would turn out well for me, or him, and I instead focused on us empowering ourselves) Still, I wish he'd stop it, because honestly, it really is disgusting.

I also told him that basically I'm gonna be upset around the house, he won't know why, and he's gonna have to deal, that I'll do my best not to take it out on him. I told him I can't be around him when it's not good for me to. And that we need to focus on our own lives more. That if we connect, we should focus on our few shared interests. I don't know how much of a relationship I really want with him, I'm very traumatized by some of what he's done.

I also mentioned some stuff about him giving up on himself, and how his own childhood issues affect him, and limit him. He seemed receptive, I think I showed that I cared by how I acted. But at the same time, lately I've wanted to take the low road and just let him have it, because I feel so angry about things. Glad I took the high road, but a part of me kind of resented it, I wanted to go low, so bad.

Lastly, I'm trying to figure out my own issues, so that I can work on them in future relationships and for my own well being. Some of my issues that led to this are:

Agoraphobia/loneliness/suffering causes me to take risks I wouldn't normally take, and trust the wrong people. I'm intimacy starved, save for my pets, and although loving myself is nice, and I enjoy my time alone, I just need more than that, but honestly I'm more terrified of intimacy than ever right now.

I expect people to be honest, constructive, rational, ethical, and to take accountability for their actions. Yeah, a lot of people aren't like that, I can't force them to be, no amount of logic, or even kindness, can make a person be those things. I can't force people to do the right thing for themselves or others. And I can be way overbearing about it, like I want to enforce those things on people. I wasn't always the person I am now, I used to be much more selfish and screwed up, and I didn't get to where I am, by someone enforcing it on me, I got there of my own volition.

I can be quite controlling, like it's with good intentions, but sometimes my anxiety kicks up so high that I over react to things, and become controlling. I can also helicopter parent my pets (especially when they are old/sick/etc), and like I get way too involved in other peoples suffering/issues/weaknesses. This has the effect of undermining others, and it's kind of dehumanizing to be honest, because they lose some of their own agency, when I try too hard to "fix" them. This also takes the focus off of my own life, and then I neglect myself, and my life, because I'm caring too much about others and not myself. I guess this is the crux of codependency.

I make excuses for other peoples behavior, and let them off the hook, instead of disagreeing and walking away, or instead of terminating relationships. I'm not super diluted about people, but I definitely take excessive responsibility in situations, and put up with far too much.

Because I feel like I've got a lot of compassion, I tend to try to control more than I can actually control, and it has a devastating effect on myself, and sometimes even others. It's just so hard to see suffering sometimes, and the only thing that makes some it bearable is that I can do something about it, but sometimes I can't, and it's just so heartbreaking and causes me to feel so helpless. I also feel this over sense of responsibility, and have a terrible time detaching from some situations/people.

My own issues/self neglect have also led to my issues being a drag on my Dad, I depend too much on him, and he too much on me. It's a super unhealthy dynamic.

Walking away is also a good tool to use, which I rarely do, because I try so hard to talk sense into people, but I think a lot of times, people just don't want to make sense. That's not to say, I'm always right or something, but even if I give a person plenty of agency and good options, a lot of times, they just don't want to make sense. I tend to be objective, I expect other people to be the same, and they're not.

At the end of the day, a lot of it comes down to getting more involved with my own life, and accepting my limitations more. And also, accepting other peoples limitations and flaws more, or if I need to, not being involved with them, or having limited involvement.

Also, I love that I'm an emotional, thoughtful person, with a lot of care, and a totally worthy seriousness about me. But honestly, I get too bogged down by it, and so do others, it can be a drag, I need to lighten up more, and have fun more and laugh more. Taking serious things seriously, is a good trait, but you can let it consume your life too much and not have enough perspective on things, not have enough balance.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, as I detach from my Dad, and the loss of my other relationships, I'm realizing a lot about my codependent behaviors:

First, man, I sure am screwing myself by helping everyone else and not myself. I've gotten better at this, and try to detach and take care of myself, but I just don't care about my own life enough, my own happiness enough, even when working on it pretty hard, even when detaching, I just don't do it long enough to fully vitalize myself.

Second, you know, I really have been quite controlling, mostly because I get so wrapped up in other peoples neglect of important stuff, that I get super pushy about it. I suppose I get too wrapped up in their life, in the case of my Dad, it's partially because I live with him. Acting like this is pretty horrible, because it totally undermines peoples agency. And conversely, I'm neglecting myself to do it, which is quite hypocritical. (granted, I do deal with a lot of stuff, and take stuff seriously, but there's definitely some huge holes in my self care).

Also in the case of my Dad, I've been pretty condescending because I've been so frustrated with him. It's a complicated set of circumstances, including me putting up with manipulations that I didn't even know were happening, and overall, I do think his behavior has been much worse than mine, but I still have a lot of regrets.

Overall, shedding codependency is scary as hell, I have to deal with all this stuff I've been neglecting about my life and myself, and it's all new, or I'm super rusty at it. But it is quite empowering to focus on what I do have control over, instead of what I don't, and to be able to say no more, and not put so much damn pressure on myself.