How to save my siblings?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Thank you for reading in advance

This is my first post - my mother has BPD (my own diagnosis). I am the oldest child and the only daughter. I have 3 younger brothers. My parents got divorced when I was 14. My mum quickly remarried and then went through a second messy divorce 7 years later.
Those are the facts… I don’t even know where to start with the emotions!
I was heavily involved in my parents relationship - with my mother sharing way too much and making me mediate and make peace between them. I was heavily involved in the divorce - used by my mum to get my dad to agree to certain things in court. I thought was dad was evil and completely rejected him, taking my mothers side 100%. We didn’t talk for years.
I look back at my teenage years and I feel so lonely and so sad for myself. I had no one to talk to, to share what was going on, to nurture me. I was responsible for looking after everyone. Regularly dealing with my crying mother, trying to manage my brothers so it was easier for her, trying to make friends in high school.
When I got engaged and married, it was a nightmare. It was all about her. Every moment was painful, confusing, lonely. I still hadn’t realized that she was the problem.
The last few years I learnt about BPD and realized that she ticked every box (except for self harming and suicide attempts)
I have learnt how to handle her on the whole - I have zero expectations from her, I don’t share any of my opinions, emotions with her, I make small talk and mainly just listen to her talking - trying my very hardest not to disagree, comment, question. I have to make sure I’m not hungry or tired when I speak to her otherwise I don’t have the energy to prevent a blow up. If I’m slightly tired, she hears it in my voice and thinks I’m annoyed with her. It’s absolutely exhausting. We moved country this year and not living around the corner from her IS AMAZING. I feel so much more free. (She does keep talking about moving to be near us, but so far it hasn’t happened).
Despite being far away, I still find myself feeling completely suffocated by the situation. I don’t see a way out. I go between hate for her, despair, anger at the pain she causes to my siblings and others, frustration - to pity, guilt, wanting to help her. She is a lonely damaged lady - and despite all my anger and loathing, I also could never tell her any of this because I know it would destroy her.
I am working on boundaries, on healing myself - hoping the situation will be more manageable . On a day to day basis, it is definitely getting easier. I have gone from needing to call and message every day to maybe 3 or 4 times a week. She is less on my mind.
I have a beautiful child and knowing how much I want to protect my daughter, I am even more saddened at my own childhood and realizing what I have missed out on. I know my mother loves me a lot, but she is not really a mother. It breaks my heart.

What I really struggle with at the moment - and the main reason for my post is as follows…

The hardest thing for me at the moment is watching my brothers be hurt and struggle with the relationship with her. They are aged between 25-16 and each have different understandings, perspectives and approaches. I feel very responsible for them (as a result of being the adultified child) and care for them a lot. My dad is now on the scene, he is very lovely and emotionally stable, but also fairly useless as a parent - not proactive, doesn’t feel very responsible. He always wants to help his kids, but needs asking.
The middle brother is the only one who is still in my mothers grips - believes what she says, trusts her- he understands she’s over emotional and the he has to look after her a lot, but he still blames my dad for the divorce and is very much my mums current spouse. The youngest brother unfortunately lived alone with my mum for his last few years at home and he is very aware that she is NUTS.

My questions are as follows:
1. The middle brother is now dating and looking for a long term relationship. I feel that he is emotionally suppressed, has not developed a full sense of self and his own needs - and I feel this will likely impact negatively on his relationships. He is happy to go to see a therapist but I’m open to hearing advice about whether this is something I should be pushing? He has signs of chronic stress as well - stomach ulcers, fatigue, thyroid disease. So I feel like there is a LOT bottled away. Where would the best place be for him to start? Considering he doesn’t really understand my mothers disorder, hasn’t experienced the fullness of it - mainly because he is the sibling who is consider the ‘good’ one and he is excellent at taking care of my mothers needs and disregarding his own.
2. The youngest brother definitely needs to see someone and wants to see someone - how to I find recommendations for therapists who treat children of parents with BPD?

Thank you!

[QuicheFace]

Thank you for reading in advance

This is my first post - my mother has BPD (my own diagnosis). I am the oldest child and the only daughter. I have 3 younger brothers. My parents got divorced when I was 14. My mum quickly remarried and then went through a second messy divorce 7 years later.
Those are the facts… I don’t even know where to start with the emotions!
I was heavily involved in my parents relationship - with my mother sharing way too much and making me mediate and make peace between them. I was heavily involved in the divorce - used by my mum to get my dad to agree to certain things in court. I thought was dad was evil and completely rejected him, taking my mothers side 100%. We didn’t talk for years.
I look back at my teenage years and I feel so lonely and so sad for myself. I had no one to talk to, to share what was going on, to nurture me. I was responsible for looking after everyone. Regularly dealing with my crying mother, trying to manage my brothers so it was easier for her, trying to make friends in high school.
When I got engaged and married, it was a nightmare. It was all about her. Every moment was painful, confusing, lonely. I still hadn’t realized that she was the problem.
The last few years I learnt about BPD and realized that she ticked every box (except for self harming and suicide attempts)
I have learnt how to handle her on the whole - I have zero expectations from her, I don’t share any of my opinions, emotions with her, I make small talk and mainly just listen to her talking - trying my very hardest not to disagree, comment, question. I have to make sure I’m not hungry or tired when I speak to her otherwise I don’t have the energy to prevent a blow up. If I’m slightly tired, she hears it in my voice and thinks I’m annoyed with her. It’s absolutely exhausting. We moved country this year and not living around the corner from her IS AMAZING. I feel so much more free. (She does keep talking about moving to be near us, but so far it hasn’t happened).
Despite being far away, I still find myself feeling completely suffocated by the situation. I don’t see a way out. I go between hate for her, despair, anger at the pain she causes to my siblings and others, frustration - to pity, guilt, wanting to help her. She is a lonely damaged lady - and despite all my anger and loathing, I also could never tell her any of this because I know it would destroy her.
I am working on boundaries, on healing myself - hoping the situation will be more manageable . On a day to day basis, it is definitely getting easier. I have gone from needing to call and message every day to maybe 3 or 4 times a week. She is less on my mind.
I have a beautiful child and knowing how much I want to protect my daughter, I am even more saddened at my own childhood and realizing what I have missed out on. I know my mother loves me a lot, but she is not really a mother. It breaks my heart.

What I really struggle with at the moment - and the main reason for my post is as follows…

The hardest thing for me at the moment is watching my brothers be hurt and struggle with the relationship with her. They are aged between 25-16 and each have different understandings, perspectives and approaches. I feel very responsible for them (as a result of being the adultified child) and care for them a lot. My dad is now on the scene, he is very lovely and emotionally stable, but also fairly useless as a parent - not proactive, doesn’t feel very responsible. He always wants to help his kids, but needs asking.
The middle brother is the only one who is still in my mothers grips - believes what she says, trusts her- he understands she’s over emotional and the he has to look after her a lot, but he still blames my dad for the divorce and is very much my mums current spouse. The youngest brother unfortunately lived alone with my mum for his last few years at home and he is very aware that she is NUTS.

My questions are as follows:
1. The middle brother is now dating and looking for a long term relationship. I feel that he is emotionally suppressed, has not developed a full sense of self and his own needs - and I feel this will likely impact negatively on his relationships. He is happy to go to see a therapist but I’m open to hearing advice about whether this is something I should be pushing? He has signs of chronic stress as well - stomach ulcers, fatigue, thyroid disease. So I feel like there is a LOT bottled away. Where would the best place be for him to start? Considering he doesn’t really understand my mothers disorder, hasn’t experienced the fullness of it - mainly because he is the sibling who is consider the ‘good’ one and he is excellent at taking care of my mothers needs and disregarding his own.
2. The youngest brother definitely needs to see someone and wants to see someone - how to I find recommendations for therapists who treat children of parents with BPD?

Thank you!

[Couscous]

  Welcome QuicheFace!

I feel very responsible for them (as a result of being the adultified child) and care for them a lot.

I originally arrived here at BPDFamily for eerily similar reasons. I am also the eldest sister to three younger siblings and have a useless father. Two of them have children, so I also felt responsible for five nieces and nephews, and two sisters-in-law.  Essentially, I was taking responsibility for everybody except myself.

Fast forward a couple of years, I have now completely let go of all of those feelings of misplaced responsibility. I’m not going to lie — letting go was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, but I had to do it so I could focus on my recovery from having been raised in a highly dysfunctional family.

It’s a bitter pill to have to swallow, but we actually do not have the power to save our siblings. But we can save ourselves, and by doing so, we will be a positive role-model for our siblings.

If any if this resonates with you, I would be happy to share the names of some books and resources that have helped me on my journey.

[QuicheFace]

Fast forward a couple of years, I have now completely let go of all of those feelings of misplaced responsibility. I’m not going to lie — letting go was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, but I had to do it so I could focus on my recovery from having been raised in a highly dysfunctional family.
.

Wow, thanks for replying. That does sound eerily similar.
I would appreciate any resources or books you have to share.
The truth is don't want to completely let go because my siblings really don't have someone to turn too.. I really want to be here for them. Their lives have been messed up already- one siblings is married and I am working on letting go of him. But the 2 single siblings really need someone and I'm happy to be there for them if I can do it healthily. Does that make sense?

[Couscous]

My best recommendation is for you to get some family counseling. The counselor will be able to help you figure out how you can best support your brothers while avoiding playing a parental role. It might be beneficial to include your father and/or brothers in a few counseling sessions, but that would be for the counselor to determine.

As for other resources, I think the book, The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner will be a good starting point for you, as well as Dr Ken Adam’s books and webinars at: https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/

Wishing you all the best!

[Methuen]

QuicheFace,

He is happy to go to see a therapist but I’m open to hearing advice about whether this is something I should be pushing? He has signs of chronic stress as well - stomach ulcers, fatigue, thyroid disease. So I feel like there is a LOT bottled away. Where would the best place be for him to start?

Generally speaking, I don't think it's a good idea to "push" anything.  They have to "buy into" it. If they don't "buy into it" and "believe in it", it's very unlikely to work.

What about offering to go together with him?  My situation is different, because I am an only child.  The upside, is I don't have sibling issues with a BPD parent.  The down side, is that the responsibility stops completely at my feet.  I am both the golden child and the scape goat - at different times.  It's quite schizophrenic actually, and not without consequences for me.

As the only child living in the same town as my 86 yr old BPD waif mom (who lives independently with a laundry list of chronic and serious and debilitating health issues), I asked my H if he wanted to accompany me to my T a few years ago.  Thankfully he agreed.  My point was for him to learn about BPD from a professional - so he didn't just "blow me off" as being biased against my mom.  My second point was for him to hear about and learn some of the same skills I needed to learn to cope with mom, because as her SIL, he's kinda stuck with her too.  It's been helpful for both of us.  We can support each other better.

So that's kind of where I'm coming from when I query whether it might be helpful for the two of you to go together?  Maybe it could be mutually beneficial, and maybe the T could guide the two of you to support each other in a united way, to help navigate the relationship with your mom?  Cs. your mom is probably going to try to divide the siblings...that seems to be the way.

As to how to save your siblings?  This sounds like you are trying to "rescue".  Hmm.  IMHO, we all have to do the work to save ourselves.  I agree with Couscous that we don't have the power to save.  If you stop and think about it, we don't have the power to save our BPD parent, so what makes us think we can "save" a sibling from that same parent?  It just doesn't follow.  The best thing you can do, is the work to save yourself, and then be that role model for your siblings.

[Couscous]

I thought this article did an excellent job of describing the unique challenges faced by those of us that had to play the Hero role in our families: https://acoarecovery.blog/2011/07/12/hero-family-role/

[Mommydoc]

Welcome QuicheFace!
You have received some great comments and advice from Couscous, including the link.  In your reply, something stood out for me, that I think the article  addresses beautifully.
 

The truth is don't want to completely let go because my siblings really don't have someone to turn too.. I really want to be here for them. Their lives have been messed up already- one siblings is married and I am working on letting go of him. But the 2 single siblings really need someone and I'm happy to be there for them if I can do it healthily. Does that make sense?

Is it possible that you make a micro adjustment in your title wording that might empower you and shift some of the responsibility? What if you adjusted the wording from “saving” your siblings to “supporting” your siblings.   I hear your concern about “letting go” and the impact that might have on them, it is very clear you are a kind and loving sister. That doesn’t need to change. It sounds like you are letting go at some level with your married brother.  It might be useful to think about what has made you successful there and how it might be adjusted with your single siblings. 

What I love in your statement is “if I can do it healthily” which demonstrates your self awareness that “your health” is foundational to the path forward.  Bravo!

Is it possible to keep “support for your siblings” on your priority list but make yourself #1?  Many of us who play the hero role have tremendous difficulty doing that.  By focusing internally first on ourselves, we may be better able to set appropriate boundaries and support those we love ( with and w/oBPD). The following quote from the link stands out. 

FROM: “I must stay in control of my feelings”.
“ If I don’t do it, no one will.”
“If I don’t do this, something bad will happen, or things will get worse.”
TO: “I am of value just ‘being’, not only for ‘doing’
“If I don’t do it, someone else will & that’s OK”
“If I don’t do it a certain way,  it’ll be done differently & that’s OK”

This idea of “being versus doing” is really powerful.  Because of the responsibility placed on the Hero Child early on, we often have a fear that if “ we don’t save” the situation, something bad will happen.  It is really hard for me, but reinforcing Couscous’ comments, focusing on saving ourselves first is important.  I think of it like the oxygen mask on an airplane…. You put yours on first so you can help support and save others.   It’s’ not either/or, it’s focus internally first, and focus on support rather than saving. 

I hope you will continue to post so that we can both learn from you and support you.  This is a great community.

[QuicheFace]

I thought this article did an excellent job of describing the unique challenges faced by those of us that had to play the Hero role in our families: https://acoarecovery.blog/2011/07/12/hero-family-role/

Thank you for sharing this article. It really, really resonated with me. I constantly feel like I need to be doing, and really struggle with being. It is a problem in my marriage because my H wants me to have fun with him and I genuinely don't understand why or how.
Do you have any practical advice to go from DOING to BEING?

[Couscous]

Thank you for sharing this article. It really, really resonated with me. I constantly feel like I need to be doing, and really struggle with being. It is a problem in my marriage because my H wants me to have fun with him and I genuinely don't understand why or how.
Do you have any practical advice to go from DOING to BEING?

According to this chart, because we are stuck in survival mode we will not have the ability to let our guard down enough so that we can relax and have fun: www.calmheart.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/The-SurviveThrive-SpiralA4-1.jpg

In the short-term, you might try doing some kind of grounding exercise before doing things with your H, like the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise, and see if that helps to lower your anxiety levels enough that you might be able to relax at least little, but to really overcome this stuff I'm guessing that working with a competent therapist is probably be necessary, as well as attending Twelve Step meetings like Al-Anon or ACA would also help. I've started seeing an Internal Family Systems therapist and she is working with me to "unblend" as she calls it, from the Hero child part of my personality. I've only had a few sessions, so I don't have much to report yet, but the T has a real understanding of what it is I'm dealing with, so I'm hopeful.