Can I confront my bpd husband about his condition ?

[Lostforwords28]

Married for 3 years, I finally came to realise that my husband suffers from Petulant BPD,   the first 2 years of us being together where great, he was so good to me, however,  whenever we had an argument or said something he doesn’t like, he needs to revenge in order to move on, so it becomes like a norm, and most of the time I let go, I don’t hold grudges and never would. A year ago over Christmas we had an argument, and ended up spending Christmas separate, since than it has been a constant punishment, he keeps claiming that I have abandoned him, so now it’s a non ending abuse, his love for me turn to hate, all he wants is to control me, he hates that I have friends, he made it clear that he likes me looking miserable in a corner, put a tracker in my car, he became paranoid, , he cut me off financially in order to control what I do and where I go, he even took my car one day, every morning I wake up I have this knot in my stomach waiting to hear his voice to see what mood he is in, he became sexually disrespectful and entitled, he even tells my jokes and stories, so much that I can write all night, I am tired, I am exhausted of walking on egg shell, and even when I tried to tell him how violated and bullied I feel he gets worse and expect an apology or withdrawal of the things I said. I am now even scared of telling him I want out,I reached a point of taking my own life after an episode where he kept pushing and pushing, I am stuck, I invested everything I have in this marriage, I have 2 kids that I am raising, and I know for sure he will stop at nothing to revenge from me for once again abandoning him. So I tell him that I am aware of his BPD? Do I try to convince to get help so he is in a better place ?  I don’t hate him, I hate myself for being in this position, any advise will be great

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[kells76]

Hello Lostforwords28, glad you found us and reached out 

Your situation of "two years amazing, then sudden pivot to horrible" sounds so familiar. The good times can be really good, then the bad times... like you're describing, the bad times can be devastating and punishing.

Couple of thoughts I'm having as I read your post:

-You mention feeling stuck after having invested everything in your marriage. That's relatable here -- a lot of members have been in similar situations. Can I ask, are you wanting to try to reconcile or save the relationship, or are you ready to be done and detach? Or somewhere in the middle? When we learn more about your goals, we can move your post to the board with the best fit (for example, we have boards on "Bettering a relationship", "Conflicted about continuing", and "Detaching from a relationship") where you'll get targeted advice.

-I'm also seeing you wonder if it'd be helpful to try to convince him that he has BPD. That's a tricky area. I'm with you that the world would be a better place, and people would be in less pain, if pwBPD would seek out and stick with treatment. Anyone would want people with MH challenges to heal. The difficult issue with BPD and BPD-type behaviors/traits (whether diagnosed or not) is that BPD is a shame-based disorder. Telling someone they have a stigmatizing MH issue can create defensiveness and resistance, a sort of doubling-down on "I'm not the problem, you are", instead of an openness to hearing more.

In fact, we have a great thread on that very topic here:

Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD

Check it out and let us know if any of it resonates with you.

Looking forward to hearing more from you, and again, welcome;

kells76