Well, it was an insanely hard day and I need some advice.

[NarcsEverywhere]

So I woke up tired, and I probably pushed myself too hard, for my pets, fell into hardcore codependency, walked a bunch, which I don't normally do (which triggered a bunch of memories and disgust, for the neighbor. Then my Dad seemed upset that I was doing well, and that I took the dog out, that I normally don't do. I guess this started to guilt trip me. And I felt consumed by guilt for everything he's done, and like everything I do is horrible, and like I have to be perfect, it was so overwhelming, I ended up pushing myself too hard and ranting in my head most of the day. I called a crisis line, and talked to her about how it's been such a struggle, and how it sucks to deal with these people, and how it's hard to maintain boundaries, because my Dad sucked me in, and I felt consumed, and apologized a bunch and kissed his ass, and he turned his head and guilt tripped me more. I can't help but laugh at the stuff he does inside, but it really worked this time.

It's just so hard to deal with this situation, and I feel so confused today, because the self doubt has been laid on thick. What I'm realizing is I should trust the disgusted and anger, not the love I felt into for him, if you can even call it that, yuck. I just feel so upset that he did these things to me, and that I am isolated so much, and I am trying my best to deal with the situation, but if I let my guard down even a bit, I get screwed, yuck. I feel so disgusted and sad that he hurt me and my mother. I'm going to focus on what I want tonight, if I can focus. I could use some kind words and some advice. I think I need to put myself first more and focus on what I want more, and not pander to these pets so much, But god, it's so hard to feel grounded and focus on what I want.

[Tortuga50550]

Sorry to hear that. I also tend to fall when my BPD father guil trips me, and it always feel like a gith that I can't win, no matter what I do.
The important thing is that you're aware of it. It doesn't mean that you won't fall again (I think is very difficult not to fall, when we have been used to surrender in each fight). But I think you'll end up learning ways of not playing his mind games.
I agree with you when you say that's important that you put yourself first more. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Totally agree, thanks for saying that.