thepixies21
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 81
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« on: March 07, 2023, 12:29:53 PM » |
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I apologize if this would be a better fit on the "conflicted" board, I feel like I'm constantly going back and forth between wanting to stay and make things better, and wanting to consider my options if I need to leave. I’m trying to get myself back on track, and trying to find a way to find my center and feel less overwhelmed. But I just returned from a conference for work and my husband came along. He said some crappy things about the city that I talk about so I won't say where. But I do continue to struggle with his intense negativity. He was soo much to deal with, especially when we first got there. And it’s like that when we travel anywhere. He has a lot of trauma around being in a car and driving, and when we’re driving in heavy traffic it gets stirred up. I try to be understanding and supportive, I drive slow and I avoid highways in busy areas because I know that will scare him and make things worse. I always let him know that things are okay. But the whole drive in to the city it was just this constant commentary on how much he hates being in a car, how much he hates the way everyone drives, how much he hates being here, how the town looks “stepped on”, that there are too many homeless people, that he thinks he will get tetanus from just being there, and how he just wants to go back home. He would shout out turns and would shout when the light turned red, even though I was already braking. It didn’t stop for the entire 30 minute drive to the hotel. Then he complained about the hotel. Then he complained about dinner. And I’m exhausted. And I can’t escape him, because we’re stuck in a car together, and then we’re stuck in a hotel together. I escaped to buy some snacks and then he complained about the snacks. So I went into the bathroom and cried. It was a bad first night. It gradually got better after that, and we had some good times, but it’s just this big reminder of how I can’t really enjoy things fully and be in the moment around him. And yeah, maybe I would have agreed with him about a few things he was complaining about, the hotel wasn't awesome, but he was just so intense and negative that I just don't say anything and try to use some coping skills. It’s still hard to feel my own feelings when I’m tired and he’s being so much. And honestly some of the things he was saying bordered on racist, like making comments about the homeless people and the food, and I had to remind him that this was a town that has a long history of slavery and racism, and that they took something from nothing to build a life, and an amazing culture. It’s just so frustrating. I think the best part of the trip was the tour, because we learned about the history of the city, and I think it made him put things into perspective and he was less negative. But he just gets so tied up in his emotions. He is just a very difficult traveling partner, and he always has been. And traveling is something that I love. So it always puts this gray lens on everything. I told him that I might consider coming back in the future, because on the tour we learned some things about places that I’d like to check out again one day. He said “maybe I’d come back too”. I was honest and said honestly I think in the future I would like to come back on my own, because it seemed like he was pretty miserable here. And that did it, he was upset, spiraled and just shut down. And I know there was probably a better way to say it, and maybe I should have been more honest about how much he was upsetting me earlier on when it was happening, but I’ve just been so exhausted lately. I just got some bad news about work and it’s made it even harder to cope lately. Ever since December after our big argument that started this whole process, I feel this compassion fatigue with my husband. It’s like something broke in me, and I used to work really hard to understand, to reassure, and empathize. And now I just…don’t have it. I think part of it is honestly the grief of realizing that no matter what I do, he may never really empathize with me or see how his actions affect others, even though I’ve tried for years to see his point of view and accommodate him. And in my head, even though I don’t want this to be the case, I just have this intense feeling of “If he isn’t able to make any effort to understand me emotionally, I’m going to save all that energy for myself.” And then you have two people that aren’t trying and that are unhappy. And I know that people would say that I should try, but I’m just so fed up. It’s not sustainable for me to keep trying. I feel like it’s killing my soul. It’s not always like that, there were days on the trip that we had a lot of fun, and he can be charming with my friends. I keep hoping that the compassion fatigue will fade, and it will be easier to practice the skills on this site. But it’s hard on a lot of levels for me. I was a caretaker for my narcissistic mother, I was a caretaker in various friendships and relationships before I met my husband. Looking back and realizing this, it just feels like I’m feeding the trauma. And I’m starting to have more self-confidence, and feel like I deserve more respect than that. I’ve ended friendships that weren’t healthy, and I’ve set limits with my dad who can also be pretty manipulative. I’m starting to want to live a life of my own. As I’m typing this, I’m starting to think that the only way I can think to resolve some of the compassion fatigue right now is to do more things on my own. I don’t know if I was out of line with telling him I want to come back to visit the city on my own, but it was the truth. I’m sick of lying about my feelings and what I intend to do.
I will say though, that the negativity he was expressing was never directed towards me, and he did make the effort to spend time with my friends. I do really appreciate that, and I think that if I were in a better place emotionally I would have been more encouraging of him for doing those things. And he didn’t have any huge rage blowups, he didn’t throw anything, and he did settle a lot after the first day of travel. So all things considered, I do see him trying and making improvements. I think there is still hope. But after writing all of this out, I think the thing that needs to happen to help both of us, is for me to get back on track with build a life for myself separate from him, with people who have less intense reactions to stress, so I have more emotional space to be encouraging and caring. None of that involves me needing to leave my husband, and honestly with all the stress going on in my life right now, that’s the farthest thing from my mind. I do love him at the end of the day, and I do think he is capable of change, because I’m seeing it happen slowly. But none of that matters if I’m so emotionally drained that I don’t have the energy or heart to even tell him that I think he is doing a good job when he is. So my goal for the next few months is to make more plans without him with people I care about that are supportive and fun.
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