Back here again after almost 4 years

[MikeLondon]

I just checked in again here. I have not been on the site for 4 years. I am kind of shocked to see my old posts from 2019 back to 2016, it is just the same stuff. I did go back, BPD partner had become ill, her Mother passed away, she attempted suicide and I got right back in there somehow. I had a heart attack in late 2019, after her suicide attempt and sectioning. Wow, what a journey. Have not seen her for about 9 weeks, I went to see my kids in USA, that took at least 10 months of planning, discussing, arguing, being yelled at and prepping her family to know that I was going. All hell broke loose, I have had texts and responded, the family are now fed up with baby sitting, all are scared she might "do something" that "she misses me so much" and really want me back to take care of things. They have had a small taste of how it is to be with her 24/7, I don't think they can handle it and although understanding the pressure and stress I was getting, still would like me back there. She is much more physically ill than before, more incapacitated, not being cynical but she is more disabled when people are with her, other wise she gets on with things. I am still trying the old bargaining game, " i could stay with you for two weeks out of four but want to live on my own the other two" that is being met with the usual accusations of how I left and how ill she is, and how selfish I am and how everybody treats her badly, how she would be better off dead and lots of basic denigration, accusation and abuse. I am relieved to be back on here, my pattern is very clear no matter what she has said, done, or suffers from. I am full of the FOG and don't want to be responsible for what may happen next. There is no clear ending, which I would like or clear path forward. There is nothing that I have not already experienced, said done or thought of in this post. It is a repetition and a marker of what seems to be 11 years of obsessing and hopeless attempts at fixing a situation that I haven't had the courage or wisdom or strength to get out of. I am sort of worried about how her family will react, am certain they will want me back or she will have them call or they will contact me at the next drama. Am wondering about a NC with all of them. I feel I need them all to know that I have done my best and am done with trying for the impossible. I worry that somehow I will be persuaded or lured back. I need help with this. Am sick of the stomach churning worry that goes on when I am with her and when I am away or trying to get or stay away.