Not sure if he sees me as partner or enabler

[mairast]

First of all, I would like to say it’s a relief I found you guys. I feel that every time I try to open up with someone about my relationship, I get judged for giving it a chance and always get this quick comeback “Just leave him”.

I live in Brazil and we have a hard time finding reliable information about BPD for day-to-day challenges in our language. So, you guys are precious.

My significant person was diagnosed 5 months ago and apparently gave up treatment after a few attempts to find a therapist he would trust. He’s been to 3 appointments with 2 different therapists and decided to just “give it a rest for now” saying their inputs were useless. I say “apparently” because he sounds very reluctant in opening up to me about how he feels about treatment and medication. He always gives me very short answers as if he just wants to drop the subject. I’ve seen some topics here about how to be supportive and encourage treatment, and I intend to go through them.

About our relationship: I say “relationship” but he never accepted commitment.

We’ve been “together” for 1 year and 4 months now. Since we’ve met, he says he prefers to keep things casual, because he feels he would emotionally hurt me if we were a couple. I accepted it because, back then, I wanted to get to know him better and strengthened our bond.

This noncommittal behavior only allowed him to get involved with other women in between the times we are apart. We would stay together for 1 month or 2, then he would break things off between us for no reason (no arguments, no fights, no disagreements), only to move on to the next girl or stay in isolation for some time. Then a month later or less, he reaches out to me, asks for forgiveness, and gives me his ‘can we try again?’ speech. This became our cycle: on again and off again every other month.

First time he broke up with me, I confronted him and he coldly replied “We don’t have a relationship. I don’t have to justify myself to you”. Then, he started to explain to me why he was breaking up with me saying he couldn’t control his emotions, that he felt restless, ‘I’ve met someone else’, ‘I feel empty’, only to make up with me weeks later. After his diagnosis, everything adds up – finally. But I am still trying to determine what I mean to him and how much BPD is to blame for the way he treats me. Dismissively.

Every time he tries to reconcile, I see that he’s broken: lonely, sad, hopeless, with very confusing plans for his future or no plans at all. I always ask him “why are you back? Why do you want to get back together? What do you expect from me?” and he says he just needs to be with me; that I make him feel better because things are calmer when we are together; that he misses me… And I always take him back because I love him, and I always think things will be different, only to realize we are back to the same cycle and that he will not stay for long.

I tried to break this cycle recently. Two months ago, I told him how I was suffering because of our on and off situation, how painful it was to see him with other women, and I told him we were over. I also told him we could still be friends because I care for him and I wanted to show him my support. He agreed to stay away. And he did stay out of touch for 8 weeks. And two weeks ago, he reached out to me again.

He told me he had quit another job – a very good one – because he was feeling restless again and now regrated quitting. Then, for two days in a row, he begged me to meet him – and I ended up saying ‘yes’. In our date, he said he was trying to find a way to get free treatment since he is out of job and can’t afford medication or a therapist. He said that he’s tired of being so unstable in every area of his life. He cried when I told him he can always count on me. But the following days, he started to avoid the treatment subject, saying he just wanted to talk about “more important things”. Two days after our date, he asked for money twice as if his life depended on it – first I said ‘no’, but the second time he asked, I gave him the money. And although lending him money is a very common thing among us, I was feeling used this time. I checked his Instagram account and saw he had met his ex-girlfriend the night before and I thought “That’s why he needed the money. He needs it to see her again”.

And that’s the point: I read somewhere that [some] BPD people tend to use sex or money or other compulsive habits to regulate emotions. I believe this is his case, that he uses sex, money (for alcohol and drugs), and attention from other women to regulate his emotions. And that his refusal to take things seriously between us is how he gets away with feeling blame for his serial dating.

I know that only a therapist seeing him regularly could either confirm or discard my theory, but I wonder if there is anything in his behavioral pattern that would indicate me whether he sees me as an enabler or a potential partner for whom he has feelings.

I don't think I have good judgment to tell the difference. When he comes back trying to reconcile, I get blind by his love bombing, his eagerness to be forgiven for the way he treats me, and I end up thinking he is doing that because he loves me too and needs me. But now, I think he resorts to me as his enabler, because he knows I can’t say ‘no’ to him and that I will give him anything he asks. On the other hand, I am not sure how much I can “blame” on BPD for his disloyalty, lies, and attention-seeking behavior.

I told him I felt uncomfortable lending him money, because I felt he was lying about it and that I was aware of his date with his ex-girlfriend just the night after we had been together. He said he’s not lying and that he was not back with her, that they had just ran into each other. I didn’t believe him, but I dropped it because I did not want to get into an argument and I felt the whole conversation was pointless, as he was being very defensive. But two days after this conversation, he blocked me without saying a word.

We are not in contact right now. It’s the second time he just disappears without saying anything at all – that’s new and I wonder how telling this new way of breaking things off is.

I guess I am trying to understand how much BPD dictates the way this relationship goes; if confronting him about his behavior towards me does any good; and supposing he does has feelings for me, would he tell me that straight up? Or should I just take his word for it when he says “we don’t have a relationship. I feel empty. I am incapable of loving anyone”.

Thank you for your inputs about this situation. Sorry for the long post.

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[Couscous]

You are right that it’s not a relationship, and I do think it would be a very good idea to take him at his word on that.

Perhaps it might be worthwhile for you to explore why you are “flogging a dead horse”, so to speak. I am sure there are probably some very good reasons for why you are pursuing a relationship with someone who is unavailable. Would you have any ideas on what those reasons might be?

[mairast]

Hi!
Thanks for replying.

I've been going over this situation in therapy to understand why he needing me has such an appeal for me and why I find it so hard to have boundaries with him.

So, I'd say my answer to your question is in progress

[Notwendy]

This person seems to be quite honest about himself to you. And people with BPD are considered legally competent. They can communicate and it seems this person has done that.

"he says he prefers to keep things casual, because he feels he would emotionally hurt me if we were a couple"  


“We don’t have a relationship. I don’t have to justify myself to you”. Then, he started to explain to me why he was breaking up with me saying he couldn’t control his emotions, that he felt restless, ‘I’ve met someone else’, ‘I feel empty’"

There's that famous Maya Angelou quote "when someone shows you who they are- believe them" I think he's told you what being emotionally involved with him would be like and his declaring he "feels empty inside" is insightful. Yes, maybe he does come around and love bomb you when he wants to, but what is the result of this- you feel hurt and empty after he does.

Couscous' question is an important one. Why do we do this? Sometimes it's a childhood issue with an emotionally unavailable parent. Sometimes the push-pull pattern of such a relationship mimics a drug with the highs and lows as we feel good and then empty and want another encounter. It's good that you are exploring this with a T as this part of the relationship- your holding on to a person who has made it clear there's no commitment on his part - is causing you emotional hurt, and you can decide to not want to be involved in this. He may have BPD but that isn't a reason for you to feel obligated to this non committal relationship that is causing you to be unhappy.