girlfriend has multiple personalities (dissociative identity disorder)

[peterng]

Hello,

I've only been involved with this girl for 2 months and I really want to make it work.  I think I need to learn more about some ways to deal with someone who has this disorder.  It's crazy how prevalent it has become.  Is there anything to help me understand more about what I'm dealing with or is that for me to figure out?

Thanks,
Pete

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi peterng, welcome to the group -- glad you reached out for some support and learning. This is a good place to work through what you want, and to learn some new, often unintuitive communication tools and skills.

Tell me a little more about your GF having DID -- does she have an official diagnosis?

And given that you're here (bpdfamily), are you wondering if she has BPD on top of DID, or BPD instead of DID, or...?

There must be some traits and behaviors that are pretty challenging, to bring you here. What would you say your top challenges are in the relationship, right now?

Fill us in -- we're happy to listen and support.

kells76

[peterng]

Kells,

I'm sure I'm an all to typical very confused and frustrated person.  I'm 51, recently divorced and I've never dealt with mental illness before in my life.  No relationship has ever been like this one and it's a terrible shame cause this girl ... wow ... we're the best thing ever for each other until I started to notice there was what I called 2 of her.  When I mentioned it to her she told me there's a lot more than 2 of her.

Now, she is a clinical therapist specializing in trauma and addictions.  The first month I knew her she was a dream.  Then one day she was not very nice, or reasonable.  Really nasty.  She left and went for a walk with a friend and when she came back she was apologetic.

I thought once a month, I can deal with that.  Then the nasty, controlling side came back every day for a bit so I packed all my stuff in the truck and left.  We talked and I went back.  2 weeks later I bailed out again.

I'm about to go back for a visit.  See she lives a 4 hour drive away.  This time I want to set some boundaries.  I have been reading a book called 5 TYPES OF PEOPLE WHO CAN RUIN YOUR LIFE written by Bill Eddy.  It is the first I've seen any mention of how, in general, to deal with difficult personality disorders.

I'd love to see more coping strategies.  I do really like this girls smile when she's smiling.

Thanks for your help and have a good day,
Peter

[peterng]

Hello,


Sorry, I forgot to answer you.  One night she reserved for explaining to me what was going on.  I can't remember the exact name of the test but depending on your score suggestions were given as to what the disorder might be.

So I took the test and scored 3 or 6 or something like that.  Her score was somewhere around 280.  She then went on to explain about what DID was and how she originally got diagnosed.

So all that being said, it comes out in her by times.  Sometimes for days.  I like this girl and I came looking for suggested coping skills.

Everything I have read about personality disorders is dead on.  Narscissitic at some level.  Pessimistic.  Accusatory. 

It's like I said.  I just want to work at managing this.
Thanks,
Peter

[kells76]

Good to hear back from you, thanks for filling in a little more of the backstory.

Hello,

Sorry, I forgot to answer you.  One night she reserved for explaining to me what was going on.  I can't remember the exact name of the test but depending on your score suggestions were given as to what the disorder might be.

So I took the test and scored 3 or 6 or something like that.  Her score was somewhere around 280.  She then went on to explain about what DID was and how she originally got diagnosed.

So all that being said, it comes out in her by times.  Sometimes for days.  I like this girl and I came looking for suggested coping skills.

Everything I have read about personality disorders is dead on.  Narscissitic at some level.  Pessimistic.  Accusatory. 

It's like I said. I just want to work at managing this.
Thanks,
Peter

This is a good place to learn more about the sometimes non-intuitive skills it takes to be in a relationship with a pwPD (person with a personality disorder). While the site focuses on BPD (and somewhat on NPD), many of the tools and skills may help when a partner has DID as well. As always, it's wise to check with a therapist about which approaches will be best suited to your unique relationship.

Have you checked out our article on What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship yet? It's a good high-level overview of what the "non" partner needs to accept and expect, as relationships with pwPDs can often be characterized as "emotional special needs" relationships. Give that one a look and let us know your thoughts on it.

Keep us posted on how you're doing;

kells76

[peterng]

Kells,

Thank you for taking the time to respond.  I'm completely floored right now.  It really seems as though she is her own worst enemy.  I am looking for a bit of fairness, a bit of recognition and some validation of my point of view.  When there is none there and I am the bad guy it makes me wonder why I bother.  Right now I'm tending towards don't bother.  I'll move on in hopes of running into a usual run of the mill situation.  I am not strong enough to be her man.

Thanks for your time, take care and have a good day,
Peter

[kells76]

Hi peterng;

Kells,

Thank you for taking the time to respond.  I'm completely floored right now.  It really seems as though she is her own worst enemy.  I am looking for a bit of fairness, a bit of recognition and some validation of my point of view.  When there is none there and I am the bad guy it makes me wonder why I bother.  Right now I'm tending towards don't bother.  I'll move on in hopes of running into a usual run of the mill situation.  I am not strong enough to be her man.

Thanks for your time, take care and have a good day,
Peter

I think you've pinpointed one of the very sad aspects of BPD -- it can be so self destructive and destructive to what could be positive relationships.

It sounds like you have the awareness to recognize that this is not a good relational fit for either of you right now.

Don't hesitate to spend time on our "Detaching and Learning..." board if you want any support with processing the end of a relationship.

The door is always open for you -- take care as well;

kells76