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Testing Week, Think I Finally Have My Answers
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Topic: Testing Week, Think I Finally Have My Answers (Read 1084 times)
Pook075
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Testing Week, Think I Finally Have My Answers
«
on:
April 17, 2023, 12:19:25 PM »
I haven't posted about myself in awhile because there wasn't much to say- I was staying NC as much as possible and letting my wife do whatever she's doing. It's been so tough not because of her, but losing contact with her entire family who I've come to love as my own over 25+ years. We also have a brand new grandson which I barely gets to see because my daughter buys into her mom's warped thinking that we had a horrible marriage, nobody loved anybody, etc.
On Easter, my older daughter called and wanted me to attend church at my wife's church- although my wife has said multiple times I wasn't welcome there. My wife may be having an affair with the youth minister there, won't get into that, but he's been my replacement since my wife works for him and cares for his handicapped son. Anyway, I told my daughter that although I'd love to see family on Easter, her mom wouldn't allow me and I'm okay with spending Easter alone at my local church.
A few minutes later, however, my wife calls and invites me to church "that one time only" because the kids want it. I cried almost the entire way to church, not over my wife, but just feeling so blessed at getting to see her family and to sit with my kids in church on Easter. Everything went great, never talked to my wife, but loved giving her mom a hug and talking to so many nieces, cousins, aunts/uncles, etc. Everyone except for my wife and the youth minister were super welcoming.
After church, something was really eating at me and I couldn't put my finger on it right away. My wife sat with the handicapped person she takes care of, not our kids or anyone else from her family. On the other side of her is the father's oldest daughter and other son, and the father sat one row ahead of them. And I start thinking, I can't go to church to see family and sit with my kids...while my wife sits with her new family?
Looking back, it almost feels evil to me because she has everyone there deceived (including my daughter with the new baby). How can everyone not see she's replaced me with the youth leader? It's so obvious and it makes a complete mockery out of everyone in that church, a church that her grandfather founded as the original pastor.
I had to meet with her last Thursday as well at the DMV, which was the 1st time I've been alone with her in probably 6 months. As usual though, she was cold and distant, complaining about the weather and everything else she could think of. And all I could think was, "What a freaking monster...who is this person??"
In the back of my mind, I still think to myself that I'm a Christian and I don't believe in divorce, so I should keep the door open to possible reconciliation someday down the road. I am not in love with her anymore and to be honest, I don't think I even like her as a person. But I love my kids and our family so much, I miss everyone so much, that I can't seem to fully close that chapter of my life.
Am I just a moron for not being able to fully move on?
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cranmango
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Relationship status: broken up
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Re: Testing Week, Think I Finally Have My Answers
«
Reply #1 on:
April 17, 2023, 03:44:59 PM »
Pook—thanks for the update. I’m right here with you, my friend. Different situation, but similar timeline. Like you, I struggle with whether to “move on” or stand pat. Like you, I struggle with ambivalent feelings toward my ex.
One thing from your post that stands out to me: your daughter wanted you to be at church for Easter. Who knows what they think of your wife’s current situation. But you were missed, and your presence at Easter was valued.
No one can tell you what to do, or at what pace. Let your values guide your decisions. And please know that your story has been an inspiration to me.
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Pook075
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Re: Testing Week, Think I Finally Have My Answers
«
Reply #2 on:
April 17, 2023, 04:13:27 PM »
Quote from: cranmango on April 17, 2023, 03:44:59 PM
Pook—thanks for the update. I’m right here with you, my friend. Different situation, but similar timeline. Like you, I struggle with whether to “move on” or stand pat. Like you, I struggle with ambivalent feelings toward my ex.
One thing from your post that stands out to me: your daughter wanted you to be at church for Easter. Who knows what they think of your wife’s current situation. But you were missed, and your presence at Easter was valued.
No one can tell you what to do, or at what pace. Let your values guide your decisions. And please know that your story has been an inspiration to me.
Thanks buddy, I'm very glad if any of my journey has helped you. Thanks for the feedback as well, I sometimes feel nuts waiting on someone I really don't want anything to do with. The family has me hooked though because they're...well, family. It was nice to see that they've missed me as much as I missed them.
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ForeverDad
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Re: Testing Week, Think I Finally Have My Answers
«
Reply #3 on:
April 17, 2023, 04:16:34 PM »
In time it may become known that your ex has been intimate with her new focus, or perhaps even marry. If that happens, then you have no historical religious restrictions on remarriage.
Beware of impulses to rekindle the relationship some day. Odds are she would still be the very same disordered problem person. She didn't improve after 25 years with you, what would impel her to improve now without you?
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Turkish
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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Dad to my wolf pack
Re: Testing Week, Think I Finally Have My Answers
«
Reply #4 on:
April 17, 2023, 06:49:10 PM »
It sounds like it went well despite conflicting emotions. Not to go down a rabbit hole, but these issues in modern-day churches, especially of the American evangelical variety, are shamefully all too common. There is too much celebrity worship of leadership.
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“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Pook075
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Re: Testing Week, Think I Finally Have My Answers
«
Reply #5 on:
April 18, 2023, 12:36:17 AM »
Quote from: ForeverDad on April 17, 2023, 04:16:34 PM
In time it may become known that your ex has been intimate with her new focus, or perhaps even marry. If that happens, then you have no historical religious restrictions on remarriage.
Beware of impulses to rekindle the relationship some day. Odds are she would still be the very same disordered problem person. She didn't improve after 25 years with you, what would impel her to improve now without you?
If she has, so be it. I'll never know though because it would tear that church apart. My wife "replaced" me with the handicapped son as a mother figure, but she soon warped her delusions into wanting the dad as well. She told me maybe 6 months ago that she wanted to pursue a relationship with him, and I responded that she was going to tear that church apart with lust and sin, that her or the guy would never be welcomed there again. Since then, she swears that she's 100% lost interest and has no idea what she was thinking to begin with.
Honestly though, if we can't reconcile then she should marry him someday. She'd become the handicapped kid's actual mom and that's all she cares about anyway. Eventually she'd destroy that family as well but whatever, LOL. It won't be my problem at that point.
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Pook075
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Re: Testing Week, Think I Finally Have My Answers
«
Reply #6 on:
April 18, 2023, 12:37:54 AM »
Quote from: Turkish on April 17, 2023, 06:49:10 PM
It sounds like it went well despite conflicting emotions. Not to go down a rabbit hole, but these issues in modern-day churches, especially of the American evangelical variety, are shamefully all too common. There is too much celebrity worship of leadership.
Yeah, it went great- best day I've probably had since she left.
I agree with the rabbit hole comment as well, stuff like that shouldn't happen but it does all the time.
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Notwendy
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Re: Testing Week, Think I Finally Have My Answers
«
Reply #7 on:
April 19, 2023, 06:52:47 AM »
I can't comment on whether to divorce or not, as different religions and denominations handle that question differently.
On the "not allowed in her church". It's not "her" church and she doesn't decide who attends or not. She may not want to speak to you at church, but you can go if you want to- it's a church service.
I'd be willing to bet people are wondering what is going on between her and the pastor if they are sitting together and seen together. Seems like it would be most harmful to him and his career if something were to be going on. He's in charge of that decision, as well as she is in charge of her choices. This isn't your responsibility.
Glad you got to be with your family on Easter. Keep in mind, she doesn't have authority to stop you from attending at other times too.
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