I need some input on how to navigate a new counselor?

[NarcsEverywhere]

Since you all have read my stories, and venting more than anyone, I think you all have the most info about me and my situation. Any mods input would be especially welcome, as I am sure they have been watching me periodically.

So basically, I have a strong sense of conviction (in such things as love and truth, and have developed myself in a lot of ways) I think this makes people super uncomfortable, because it causes people to feel ashamed of their shortcoming. It works fine when I am relaxed, easy going and human. But, when I am defending myself, and holding people accountable (which no one likes), then they tend to implode over it.

Even stuff like sharing my poems with people caused them to be uncomfortable, speaking my truth causes people to feel uncomfortable, holding people accountable causes people to feel uncomfortable. But most of all, being so intense I think causes people to feel uncomfortable. I just have a huge deep side, and I love it, but I also realize I need to get in touch with my humor more, and time things better, and try to allow people to breath more. (by the way, I am not perfect at all, I have shortcomings all over the place, )

Also because of my big personality, intensity, and shortcoming of codependency, I tend to sabotage all my close relationships, even my counseling ones.

Some things I've done to my counseling relationships:
Nagged a new counselor a bit, about not putting effort into things
Nagged a codependent counselor to take care of himself, because he was perpetually miserable from overhelping everyone.
Nagged my most recent counselor to help me, and make some tweaks (which he was unwilling to make), and often had heavy conversations about our relationship, with me making tweaks and him staying the same.
Teased a lady running a group, because she was controlling with her own codependency, which kicked up my codependency.

Okay, that's my side, the other side is:

I'm in low income mental health care, and there's not a ton of super actualized, emotionally healthy people to work with, which would be ideal. I need empathy, as I've been through a lot of loss. I need honesty, because that's how I operate, and at this point I am too tired to try to read people 24/7. I need people that will address our relationship issues, be in their job for a while, and not just ghost out of their job, as I need something stable right now. And I need someone who won't resort to manipulations, and even someone who will hold me accountable, despite my strong personality. I get SO annoyed that I get such little honest critique from people, argh!

The other things that drive me crazy right now! I feel so pissed and gaslit by my most recent counselor, as he resorted to dealing with ending our relationship by manipulating me (revealing his character, and how phony he really was), and his boss ended up trivializing my concerns about my counselor, minimizing them, instantly blaming me and saying "just work it out", basically, even though I was obviously angry and upset.

People hate being held accountable, . It burns a lot of bridges, but I am not willing to put up with anything. Especially BS from a place that is paid to help me. But at the same time, I am working with people who aren't paid a ton, aren't top notch counselors, and who are doing their best, with their own issues, and I need to work within that framework.

Also, I actually prefer being humble and discerning, but because I've been gaslit by a ton of people, my Dad, my neighbor, my sister, my friends mom, my counselor, and feel like I am fighting for my sanity in a crazy situation, with a bunch of people who want to stay in denial, I am more inclined to trust my own opinion, than risk getting sucked into other peoples delusions and lies.

So I guess that's it, changing mental healthcare providers and starting a new counselor sometime in the next couple weeks! Nervous about it, but also hopeful, that I can do better with a fresh start.

My main ideas for the new counselor are:
Don't dive in like a maniac, even though I have a lot I need to get off my chest (reason being to build a relationship and trust slowly, so as not to sabotage myself), also using other resources like this place is important, as is using my journal.
Listen more, but at the same time, it's hard to do when I have a lot pent up, gonna be tough to find a balance.
Use small talk, politeness, and humor more, to grease the gears, and ease the tension (but don't try too hard at this)
Be myself, even if it causes my counselor to be uncomfortable
Time stuff better. (skip appointments if it simply won't work for me, but don't be neglectful, so my mood is better and patience higher, along with this taking good care of myself)

Any insights into my own shortcoming, or what would be constructive in this situation? I know it might seem like I am over thinking it, but I really feel I am not, as I have had a lot of dysfunctional relationships, and I am trying to create a healthier one.

[cranmango]

Hi NE—my own two cents: The best thing you can do with a new counselor is to simply be yourself. Warts and all. A skilled counselor will want to work with the real, genuine you. It’s not your job to manage the counseling dynamic—it’s their job.

Of course, there are lots of crummy counselors our there, too. To the extent that you are able, shop around to find one that is a good fit for you.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Whatever cranmango, I plan on going to Goodwill to get my counselor, so I'm gonna have to codependent them into being what I need, yawn. I hope I get a good counselor; I do think you're right. I need to open up to them. It's hard for me to do that, but it's not beyond me either. Done it lots of times actually. Also, I think you're right that I might need to try multiple and not settle for one, like I have in the past.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, I've come to realize that counselors, and probably mods here, feel like I have some sort of learned helplessness and don't help myself. Because I am so frustrating to help, because of my codependency issues, and because I have so much going on, that it's hard for people to handle. And conversely, they feel intimidated by me, because I speak truth to power and have a lot of knowledge about things.

But I am not trying to ruin anyone's jobs or what they have worked so hard to build, I just won't put up with being gaslit to help people feel more comfortable.

All that being said, I'm detaching from my counselor to connect to this and other communities more. Because I deserve and need it! I want to relate to people more, and I feel like I am making progress on that. It feels good to be more authentic, instead of super logical every second. It feels good to sometimes help a person here and there. To realize I am alone in it all less, and to learn from people, instead of feeling like I need to find all the answers on my own, since it's exhausting.

I still can't believe my counselor was gaslighting me, sheesh. I really appreciate your little messages cranmango, it's been rare for people to respond to my rants, it feels good to have someone take the time to do it, even though I've been a handeful!

Also, I am trying to be more constructive with my Dad, even though it's hard, because in the end, it's too much for me to kick him out right now, but I would do it if I had no choice.

[cranmango]

What are you looking for in a counselor? What are you hoping to get from counseling?

I’ve found that being clearheaded about your goals going into it helps to find a counselor that is a good fit. I certainly hope you find one, too.

[NarcsEverywhere]

This is true. I think you know, it's hard, because I have a lot of baggage with women, especially as far as vulnerability is concerned, even though I get along best with women, because the emotional maturity is generally higher, so on some level, it goes well, but on a deeper level, I tend to get judged for my not working, agoraphobia, and issues not defending myself/others in the past.

So, ideally, I need a man who is empathetic/emotionally mature. But I might need to suck it up and face my fears with women, get judged, not judge myself, and explain myself well enough, including my goals to fill those shortcomings (because I want to for myself). I don't know if I've ever gotten close to a woman who hasn't judged me for those things.

I've had female counselors in the past call me lazy, ungrateful, try to shame me into action. I was lazy because I was abused and emotionally destroyed, I was ungrateful because their prejudices prevented them from helping me, and they shamed me because of their own prejudice, and shortcoming.

Pisses me off that men have to fight so hard just for permission to have vulnerabilities and flaws, and to not live up to some ridiculous ideal.

Anyways, I just think I need someone empathetic, so I can work through some grief with someone. But with men I get stuck in logic mode and it blows. (save for the 2 men, who helped a lot, but moved on quickly, for better work). Wish I had money to shop around more, and get a really good counselor, but I don't.

Think I'm gonna finally read my book "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, she talks a lot about how vulnerability should be seen as a strength in men, and how stifling it stifles creativity.

Edit: Well, I woke up feeling overwhelmed, called crisis, and really opened up to them. And I'm realizing I never truly recovered from COVID, it was hard for pretty much everyone, but COVID with my NPD Dad was a living hell. I want so bad to just open up to everyone on here, and I could do it, but then I think it'd sabotage me too much if people didn't empathize, so I am going to make it a short-term goal to do that with my new counselor. Best chance of this working out for me is to find a professional, who is hopefully emotionally healthy, and has the emotional space to be understanding, and empathetic about it.