At a loss

[DazedandAlone]

I'm new here so I'll try to make this quick. Over the past few months I've noticed a significant decline in my wife (we've been together 11 years). She's been increasingly distant, secretive with her phone, improving her appearance, conflictual with me. When I called her out on it things naturally got worse and she said I was controlling. She also started talking about threesomes and open marriages as I have a friend with an open marriage. She's recently made some new friends at her new workplace and a mutual friend (consequently my wife's best friend) confided in me that there was cause for concern which just further escalated things and created a dysfunctional triangle.  Since finding out I should be concerned I did overstep boundaries but she also lied about her whereabouts and made me feel like I did something wrong. Now we can't communicate and are taking space. She feels judged and betrayed but is just lashing out. She won't take her meds and is refusing therapy. I am genuinely worried and love her but don't know where to go from here.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[outhere]

Hi DazedandAlone.  The chaos of your situation resonates with me.  I find that when my uBPDw is having a flare, it's best to leave her alone (but not too alone, I check in regularly to let her know that I care and make sure she hasn't hurt herself).  If I try to engage in rational conversation the situation devolves into more chaos.  Let her know that you're available to listen and validate her feelings and try to stick with that - perhaps occasionally asking questions that can help lead her to the heart of the problem.  I imagine you have theories about why she has this condition (childhood trauma?) that might be interesting for her to explore in a non-judgmental environment.

Things that are hard but important for caregivers like us:  Take care of yourself, whatever that means to you, and remember that you cannot be responsible for someone else's feelings and behavior.  I think that part of the illness is to offload bad feelings onto their loved ones - my wife makes it seem like it's my fault that she feels badly or destroys things - and it's easy for us to internalize this, but it's simply not true.

Good luck, you're not alone!

[DazedandAlone]

Thank you so much for your response. It does get hard to remember to take care of ourselves which is why I feel like I've been acting out of character and reacting in negative ways. I'm so glad I found this forum to not feel so alone anymore. I did write her to check in and let her know I care and hope she's ok. Just a Rollercoaster of emotions...but at least not so alone

[DazedandAlone]

I'm new here so I'll try to make this quick. Over the past few months I've noticed a significant decline in my wife (we've been together 11 years). She's been increasingly distant, secretive with her phone, improving her appearance, conflictual with me. When I called her out on it things naturally got worse and she said I was controlling. She also started talking about threesomes and open marriages as I have a friend with an open marriage. She's recently made some new friends at her new workplace and a mutual friend (consequently my wife's best friend) confided in me that there was cause for concern which just further escalated things and created a dysfunctional triangle.  Since finding out I should be concerned I did overstep boundaries but she also lied about her whereabouts and made me feel like I did something wrong. Now we can't communicate and are taking space. She feels judged and betrayed but is just lashing out. She won't take her meds and is refusing therapy. I am genuinely worried and love her but don't know where to go from here.

So she came home today and we had a pretty calm discussion. However, the discussion centered around how she doesn't feel independent and needs more space and freedom...like maybe an open marriage. This is something I am unsure I can live with particularly since she doesn't agree with any of my terms about it...if I were to even consider it. She did agree to marriage counseling at least but while we were talking she said she had plans, got ready and left. Came back an hour later and went to bed. It was 6pm. I'm trying to be empathetic, supportive and give her space but it can be very difficult at times. The SET method worked wonders during our talk today.

[outhere]

It sounds like she's really struggling.  I personally wouldn't take any of what she says too literally.  If my wife said something about "independent and needs more space and freedom...like maybe an open marriage" I would see this as bait - if I responded in any way receptively to the idea she would flip it and say something like "see you don't really love me".  That may not be your case.  But my wife also does things like go to bed at 6pm when she's extremely upset and then when I go to bed at 10pm she'll get up and stay up on the touch until 4am.  It's a very disruptive illness!