Seeking opinions on some lingering questions about my ex

[SirPounce]

Hey all. I have mostly recovered from my ex girlfriend with BPD but still haven't reached final closure on certain aspects of the relationship. Just want to get an opinion from some people who have experienced dating a pwbpd or have the disorder. I know no one here is omnipotent and omnipresent. Every relationship has its own unique dynamic. But an insight might provide a clue or missing puzzle piece.

1. My ex came off as very prude. The way she talked about sex had a childlike innocence to it. She also didn't appear to be very experienced having sex. Is it common for pwbpd to put on a front like this when they're actually promiscuous, hypersexual, unfaithful, etc? I guess I'm kind of paranoid that she was much more sexual than she led on and for some reason decided to play innocent with me.

2. What hurt me the most was the break up. I handled it like a champ (despite it coming out of left field), ending it with a passionate kiss and her hugging me tightly. But right afterwards, she asked me for a massage. Obviously I shouldn't have, but I obliged. When I was finished, she cried out "He's going to break my heart". When I asked who, she denied she even said it but when I persisted she claimed she had no idea why she said that. For context, when she dumped me she said it was because she ran into her ex and it made her realize she wanted a family and didn't see us having one. That was fair, as I am a decade younger than her and was still in school. However, I later found out that she didn't just meet him, but was having sex with him on and off for years, including right before and after she dumped me (I don't think she was sleeping with him until she did the instant devaluation, but I can't say that with 100% certainty). I'm curious what was possibly going through her mind. She obviously knew it was messed up at the time, and every time I brought it up to seek clarity she became super agitated and avoided discussion at all costs. 24 hours before I was the knight in shining armor, and then she's crying about an ex who she just dumped me for right in front of me... Just an absolute mind f***...

3. How do I let this woman go fully? It's been 7 years, she's too old for me to find attractive as a long term partner now, and I realize that she was essentially a parasite that had to go otherwise would have sucked me dry. My logical mind is unified in her leaving me was a blessing, I can do a lot better and I pity her for being such a negative, selfish and depressed person. Yet, there's still a part of my subconscious that is being tugged between longing and resentment, evident in dreams and random thoughts that pop up.

Thanks in advance for any and all insights and advice.

[Biggus]

1. I don't think all PwBPD fit to an exact type, who then is hypersexual and promiscuous. They have their own personal value systems, which have an effect on how their sexuality displays to others, and they might also have other conditions, such as childhood traumas or ptsd, which may have an effect.

2. "I'm curious what was possibly going through her mind."

If you look back at the time you spent with her, you probably come up with a thousand questions like "Why she did that? What was she thinking at the time?"

Who knows? Possibly even she can't explain it, at least in a way that would make sense to you. It's not really fruitful to speculate her thinking, better to quickly move to think other things.
 
3. Acceptance and learning to live with the thing is a good key to most problems. I know these momentary recollections are frustrating though.

[SinisterComplex]

So the most important thing is...People who suffer from BPD are still individuals. Just because they have disordered behavior or their minds may literally be physically different doesn't mean that they are all the same or will follow the same patterns. Disordered behaviors sure...more predictable. However, there are other aspects that are going to be unique to the individual. This is why I say hate the disorder, not the person.

As for letting go...my friend what you have to do is find something new and unique and throw yourself into it. The more novel the better. You are fixated right now because there is nothing that is novel and interesting enough to your mind to shove it out of the way for real estate in your mind. In essence, if you have a hobby or passion you have had on the back burner now is the time to say F fear and everything else and Nike that S ...in other words Just Do It!

You are in control of you and how you respond. She is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. She is only relevant if you allow it to happen...remember that.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-