Hi Kells, Thank you so much for your reply. It's good to know that someone understands what I am coping with. I have not given any guidance or advice to my daughter for the past year as I realised that it was wasting my energy.
Yes, that makes sense -- it seems like often, advice/suggestions we give to pwBPD go unheeded at best, if not outright opposed/argued with. It has taken a lot off of my plate to stop trying to get the kids' mom to agree with anything I ask.
My son upset me two weeks ago saying that I hadn't given her support (or him with his children). This is not the case. I am in my 60s, have a chronic health condition which means I often have very low energy levels. My partner and I have given both of them financial, practical and emotional support over the past 11 years.
I can also get caught up in believing, without even meaning to, the stuff that the kids' mom says about me (or that I hear that she has said about me). We're normal people; we're wired to believe what others say. However, with pwBPD, we often have to disengage from that "automatic" engagement with those crazy statements, and we have to be extra strong within ourselves to know what's really true about us and what isn't. "I guess we see it differently" is an appropriate response... if one is even needed. Like you said, you know what you have really done, so you can stay strong in that, whatever anyone else believes.
My son, my daughter's partner and her father (my ex) don't seem to be taking her diagnosis seriously. They haven't looked into how to deal with a BPD. It is me as usual who has done all the work.
This comes up for many "nons" coping with a pwBPD. Some third parties get it, some don't. You do a lot of research and reading, and yet others don't really know or don't seem to want to know. It'll be important -- for your sanity! -- to accept that some people are open to learning more, and some aren't there yet. It can be really frustrating otherwise, to want people to "just get it already!", but they can't or won't yet. Sometimes all we can do is toss out a little bit of info, and then wait and see how the person deals with that.
It can be important to check in with yourself and make sure that the work you're doing is for you and that you can be okay with that. If others take you up on it, that's an added bonus -- versus being in a more frustrating place of "I'm doing all this research for them, and they won't even read it!".
I have also found out that my daughter has been 'back-stabbing' us to a mutual friend. This friend has walked away because she has had enough.
Am I tracking with you, that the friend walked away from your D? Or from you?
I am now at the stage where I cannot give any more. I am completely drained. I have seen my gp and he has prescribed Valium and offered me anti-depressants. I have done a lot of work on myself in recent years with therapy and self-help. I have just got into a good place mentally. I too have had periods of depression over the years. I do not intend to sacrifice my mental and physical health any longer.
I think that makes sense. You know your own abilities and limitation, and if you have no more to give, that's how it is. It would be perfectly normal to take time to recharge and regain health. Like you've probably heard before -- you can't take care of anyone else if you haven't take care of yourself first. Running on empty isn't healthy (and I'm telling myself that right now, as much as anyone). I'm glad you have a supportive GP and are in a positive place mentally right now.
What are some things that you enjoy doing in your life -- hobbies, groups, activities? What feels recharging?
The problem is that I have grandchildren and would like some relationship with them. I see them as often as I can with the health limitations I have. I buy them presents, etc. but it still isnt enough.
That is really difficult. It sounds like you still have access to them -- your D isn't preventing that? I'm sure that at a certain age, grandchildren can comprehend that grandparents have health issues that limit time spent together, and that it isn't personal. Have you already tried Zoom or FaceTime (or other internet video chat software)? It can work for some relationships to keep that connection, even if you can't be there in person. Some grandparents also send cards/letters/postcards, if the parent (like your D) is likely to actually pass those on to the grandkids. If there is a danger that your D would just throw away anything you send, consider keeping a "my thoughts about my grandchild" type journal -- writing what you'd like your grandkids to know, things you appreciate about them, what you're doing that day that you think they'd like, etc. Later, when they're older and more independent, you could gift it to them. They'd know you were always thinking of them.
My partner has done everything possible to keep the peace but now I do not want him to have anything to do with my adult children as they have caused him a lot of stress. but I don't want them to have the satisfaction of ostracising him. I think they would be quite happy if we split up.
It is a very difficult situation.
It IS difficult. Even when the pwBPD isn't in our relationship -- i.e. it's two "non's" in the relationship -- BPD can still have hugely stressful impacts on relationships. I get it.
Would your partner be ok with not engaging with your children? If you are and he is, then that could be a win and could help minimize stress in your relationship.
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Hope you've had some good moments over the last few weeks;
kells76
