Fiancé in a depressive episode— advice on what to do.

[Amsmav]

My significant other and fiancé has BPD and is currently in a depressive episode. She has been rapid cycling through manic and depressive the last few months. We’ve been together about a year and a half and I’ve known each other much longer, as well as I know her times like this I do not know what to do. She’s not suicidal or violent, but last time a depressive episode happen, she wanted to talk to me and  needed me around.

This is the first episode since we moved in together and the behavior kind of screams leave me alone when I ask what she wants that’s not the case but I am very much a actions over words person.

I feel as if I’m causing more of a rift between us although I have really been trying to work on my communication skills and not be too hard on the behaviors. She’s exhibiting, nor I had any of financial or other stress on her.

What is the best way to communicate to her how much I love her and how I want to communicate the way I feel in a way that’s productive and doesn’t come off the wrong way as it seems to always do 

It looks like an intensive outpatient program is in the future but we’re supposed to get married in a year and a half the last few months there have been no wedding planning hardly any talk of it and no couples counseling I feel like every time we have a breakthrough, something happens, and the alcoholism gets worse and steps in the way again there is zero physical abuse, but when you meet the love of your life and your soulmate, not feeling close to them for an extended period of time hurts worse than any punch ever could

Any advice on how to remain intimate not in a physical way that aspect has been missing from our relationship for a few months. But how can I be her person because right now I don’t feel like the FP which is always my biggest fear. I know that doesn’t necessarily equate to a happy relationship but I’m scared that if I’m not the favorite person, the love will go away with it.

Expressing concerns like this seems to evoke frustration and anger, so I’m trying to deal with these insecurities and intrusive thoughts and a complete lack of knowing what to do any advice.? I just miss my best friend. A week feels like a month, this month has felt like a year. I know it will get better. I know that we are meant for each other but in the meantime, how do you deal with all this?

I’ve always had trouble communicating. I feel like I’ve improved on that some. I hold my temper and don’t raise my voice or get angry. I try to be supportive, but maybe I’m just asking the wrong questions or saying the wrong things-

 last year. There was an affair, and I’m scared of that happening again, I know she loves me and I know that she wouldn’t but I fear if this turns into psychosis I don’t know what will happen. I feel like there’s a big gap of trust and communication right now I can’t sleep. I’m trying so hard to keep everything together I let it get to a point where I almost lost my job but luckily I got a second chance , I know I can’t let this ruin my life but she is the biggest part of it. How can I cope in a healthy way and how can I be the best version and be the thing that she needs and wants me to be ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey Amsmav, welcome to the group  There's a lot of stress in your life and relationship right now, so it's good that you felt like you could reach out for more support.

I hear you worrying about whether you're "the cause" of the distance between you and her. Would you say that right now (short term), the distance between you two during her current depressive episode is your main concern?

And I read that there hasn't been talk of couples counseling lately. Are you open to counseling? Is she?

Adding alcoholism to the mix with a PD is a lot to handle. Does she recognize that her alcoholism is a problem?

...

Lots of questions from me, I know, just getting a better idea of what you're facing.

I do want to note that I did see your questions in there! Each question deserves a good full answer, and in a way, they all kind of tie together in the question of "how do I have a relationship with a pwBPD and still stay healthy myself"? One place to start is checking out our articles on Saving a relationship, and another is our Tools and Skills Workshops, especially The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship.

You guys didn't get to where you are overnight, so it may take some time, but it's possible to make changes in your own life and your own relational style that can help make the relationship "less worse".

Keep us posted on how the last few days have been, and again, welcome;

kells76