BPD or Trauma Bond; Either way it hurts

[hurtinghusband17]

I can't seem to figure out whether my wife has BPD or exhibits BPD traits because of the way her father has treated her all her life. I read the Eggshells book, and after that I was convinced she has unconventional BPD. The traits are all there. However, I recently started reading The Betrayal Bond by Patrick J. Carnes and it has me questioning my previous suspicions.

That being said, even with a quasi-diagnosis explaining some of her behavior, it hurts deeply to be married to her. I am a Christian, and I made a vow on my wedding day to commit to her. After 6.5 years of mistreatment, I am struggling to hold onto the vow I made. There is shame for me in this position because I am on the brink of giving up and rejecting what God has given me. I offered separation as an option to give me space to heal, but she refuses to entertain it. Instead she insists that if I want to leave I will have to divorce her, but if I do she will do everything in her power to see to it that I get little to no custody of our 2 year old daughter. Although I know this is not the likely outcome, I live in fear of leaving and being forced into limited contact with my daughter.

There are other concerns as well. For example, I am currently the sole income provider in the home. About two months into the pregnancy, I witnessed an increase in her stress level increase and her struggle to manage it, so I encouraged her to quit her job because I was concerned that it would be detrimental to the growth of our child in her womb. We also agreed that we wanted her to raise our children instead of relying on relatives or daycare, so she is a stay at home mother; but the moment going back to work becomes even a thought, she vehemently refuses. So I approach the idea of leaving with disdain because I worry that her demand of spousal support would be excessive and unnecessary, and also that the care for our daughter would be decreased because my wife cannot manage stress... But when I watch her treat our daughter like she treats me, I weep. I no longer wish for her to raise our daughter alone, but I am denied any say in the matter.

I feel that I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am paralyzed by not knowing what to do next. I live every day in despair.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi hurting husband,

Welcome and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Have you read, stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist, and raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist. I have found these books very helpful in shifting the balance of control and it has led to myself becoming more confident and looking after myself better and my wife generally is calmer which is less detrimental to the children.

We are in a lesbian marriage and my dbpdw is the biological mother of our 3 little ones. She is also aversive to work. She wants me to make lots of money but not be away from the home to work. My wife has also threatened that I will not spend much time with my children were we to divorce. I know I’d have a good case but I would never want to be in a custody war zone with her. The children seem happy and well adjusted but of course they are affected at times. They are also too little to talk to me about their crazy mother.

Be the best father you can be and know that you are so important to your little girl, far more important than your wife thinks. You are the safe and stable parent. Be there for her, whether you choose to stay or not. Stay strong and read up all you can on this site. Seek specific advice for how to handle different situations. I’ve had so much help on here over the past couple of years.

[Link]

Hi hurtinghusband!

So what exactly are you experiencing with your wife. What kind of behavior is bringing you to despair?

I've been married for 26 years, and married her well aware of certain traits that she had (extreme jealousy, controlling) but I ignored them thinking things will get better with time. Well they didn't of course.

I was on a forum like this back then looking for answers when I was directed to read Boundaries in Marriage which I recommend if you have not read. I picked up the book figuring I would have ammunition to change my wife but what I got was an in your face...I must change. It is a book written by 2 Christians and subsequently I gave my life to Jesus, the book being a part of the catalyst. Things between my wife and I actually improved. We both were focused on our faith and I believe we were receiving blessing.

Fast forward 6 years and 2008 devasted everything that was growing. Financial issues led to my wife going back into the work force (she had been a stay at home mother of 3 for 11 years). She was unsuited for the job and I was unsympathetic. I could only see our dire financial ruin and not her needs. I admit, in hind sight I really dropped the ball. My wife had an affair with her boss within 3 months of working there. We have not recovered from it.

My wifes BPD traits are extreme insecurity, feeling unsafe and unprotected, blame, shame, rage, jealousy, self loathing, resentment. When she splits, the combination is unbearable. I am still trying to figure out how to navigate the rest of our lives because, like you, I do not believe in divorce. I am here to get things off of my chest, like you. I am here looking for answers, like you. I will offer whatever experience I can with you. God bless you