When is it Quitting Time?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A bit of an esoteric question, but when did you know that it was time to quit doing things that kept you connected to your former partner?

September 1 marks three months since I broke-up with her, and her name/our relationship hasn’t come up in a conversation in ages.  It was so long ago, that I can’t pinpoint when it would have last occurred.  It just happened without me noticing.

However, I’m still connected to her online.  Too connected, as I’m still reframing/reconfiguring BPD-related questions that were answered ages ago online.

It’s like I’m in denial, and don’t want to let go of her. The moment I stop talking about her, and researching BPD online, then it will truly mark the end of those eight years with her.

Emotionally, I’m okay now.  I’m no longer racked by pain, and I’m now sleeping 8-hours per night, so everything is now streamlined to a healthy exit from this disagreeable coupling.

It’s a bit of an odd question-I know-but it’s often difficult being objective when you’re dealing with all the complexities surrounding extracting yourself from these relationships. 

It’s also clear to me that I’m at the final hurdle.

[Augustine]

A bit of an esoteric question, but when did you know that it was time to quit doing things that kept you connected to your former partner?

September 1 marks three months since I broke-up with her, and her name/our relationship hasn’t come up in a conversation in ages.  It was so long ago, that I can’t pinpoint when it would have last occurred.  It just happened without me noticing.

However, I’m still connected to her online.  Too connected, as I’m still reframing/reconfiguring BPD-related questions that were answered ages ago online.

It’s like I’m in denial, and don’t want to let go of her. The moment I stop talking about her, and researching BPD online, then it will truly mark the end of those eight years with her.

Emotionally, I’m okay now.  I’m no longer racked by pain, and I’m now sleeping 8-hours per night, so everything is now streamlined to a healthy exit from this disagreeable coupling.

It’s a bit of an odd question-I know-but it’s often difficult being objective when you’re dealing with all the complexities surrounding extracting yourself from these relationships. 

It’s also clear to me that I’m at the final hurdle.

[elmtree]

I still haven’t got to the point that I can make that final decision to leave, but I can say that after only 2 years married, I know it will be tough to let go.  The emotions are so strong with BPD’s, that they definitely leave a mark. The love bombing and then back to sadness keeps me second guessing myself all day. This is going to be tough. Having a good support network will help, I’m sure.

[once removed]

A bit of an esoteric question, but when did you know that it was time to quit doing things that kept you connected to your former partner?

id say it came a little at a time. some steps were easier, even empowering to take. for example, i got all of her stuff out of sight relatively quickly (i didnt do anything for at least a month). that wasnt emotionally hard to do, having her stuff all around me was. so that was a step toward actively detaching i was able to take early on.

according to my profile, i arrived here about a month and a week after the breakup. it was just after shed made her new relationship official. i was in a pretty bad way. my sleep schedule had turned completely upside down, the ruminating never stopped, i was feeling really isolated, and incredibly depressed. until then, i wasnt sure we were done, and now the choice was taken from me, so i had the added shock.

i didnt really know what to do, even once i found support. i was so hurt and traumatized over the ending, that all i knew is i felt my existence depended on just ever hearing from her again, in some form. i guess thats what i needed to know i meant something.

part of me hoped to reconcile. i didnt think her new relationship would last. i thought shed see that it was a huge mistake. i was having, at the same time, reconciliation fantasies, and revenge fantasies, where either she came back, or where she came back and i rejected her. there was a part of me that longed to be done, and even at my worst, i knew that part was likely to grow as i got stronger.

but quitting time hadnt come, not yet. i adjusted my expectations and gave the new relationship 3-6 months. i remember checking her social media being one of the hardest things for me. she had hidden pretty much everything from me, so all i could see was her profile picture, and it didnt matter whether it was completely innocuous; id see it, and go into a tailspin for hours. i remember how hard it was, and how long it took to stop that; it was one of my last steps.

but one thing that sort of kept me attached, was that around this time, i discovered that she had been getting into my email, the one that was attached to my facebook. shed been getting into it, and reading messages sent to me by other gals. at the time, i took that as a sign that she wanted me back, so i didnt change my password, i just kept an eye on it. it helped on some level. i didnt feel this sense of "does she ever even think of me?" like i had been. it made it easier for me not to look at her social media. i didnt want to be "like her".

eventually, a few months after the breakup, i planted an email in there for her to see. i thought she would take it one way - she took it very much in another. i was trying to be romantic, i think she thought i was taunting her. a few hours after she saw it, i got a bank alert. turns out, all this time, shed had my missing debit card. shed just used it for 60 bucks.

this was shattering, on so many levels.

stealing has always been a bugaboo of mine. something ive always felt particularly strong about (against). when we got together, i had actually learned that shed done this to the previous boyfriend after he broke up with her. we spoke about it, and she was embarrassed and ashamed. i didnt realize it, but i think it sort of stayed in the back of my mind throughout the relationship. i didnt really trust her handling my money.

so i think deep down i knew that was it, there was no coming back from that. in the more immediate sense, i felt: devastated that my message was misunderstood, devastated that i guess this meant she didnt want me back, i felt spurned, and i felt deeply betrayed.

i remember driving to jack in the box, on a sort of manic high, feeling free and empowered, and by the time i got home, i was bawling my eyes out.

i seem to remember that i spent a few more months trying to conduct "closure" on my terms. i wanted to get my belongings back. i wanted to make her face me. it was, of course, never going to happen. she had abandoned her home and her pets to, effectively, shack up with this guy about three hours away. so we had a few exchanges, but she would never follow through.

so, i set a final date, and then finally, finally, i gave up.

the main thing i did was change my email password. this was significant. i now no longer had the comfort (or at least the proof) that she was checking on me. i was officially abandoning the pursuit of either her, or closure. it was our last connection.

i wrote these excerpts here, when i did. it was a marked change in tone from all of my other posts.

im a little surprised. i guess nobody told me a simple action like changing my password would/could resurface so many feelings.
...
i woke up yesterday feeling some of this. there was something (a lot) stirring underneath the surface. as the night went further depression began to come on stronger. i woke up tonight already on the verge of tears. i don't even have to land on a thought, or think of anything. they're just there, weighing heavily, waiting to fall.

last night came all the old irrational feelings i thought i was mostly if not completely through with. "what is she doing? what is she up to? what are her and the new guy doing/up to?" replaying the last two months, replaying the last night. ruminating. i felt that haze come on. i felt myself needing to hear once again "of course she's not gone, of course she's going to contact you again." seeing things in stark, painful finality.
...
so let me get this straight. this person who i loved, who did love me back, but was very very sick. too sick. whom i cared for and took care of. for three years of my life. whom i enjoyed a friendship/flirtation with for three years before that. im supposed to now, because of her sickness, basically erase every trace of her, and push and banish her from my life completely. and through that im supposed to heal.

what a cruel joke. and i may never see her again. and i may never speak to her again (actually that's extremely unlikely whether it's what i want or not.). im not okay with that. im not okay with this. why can't this be a dream, like all of the other cruel, haunting, painful dreams i've had since? why can't i wake up holding her closer than ever, realize it was all a dream, and go back to sleep?

because she's sick. it's not a dream. it's the coldest, cruelest reality i've ever faced, and its killing me.

there were other turning points (a big one came when i put pen to paper, and i had intended to sort of make a list of all the things "wrong" or "bad" about her, and it turned out to be a letter to myself. there was a lot of bravado, and there were lots of things i wrote that im not proud of, but the change was kind of internalized, and lasting) but this was really the big one. it was me, in my heart, being done, walking away for good.

and it might have, to this day, been the hardest thing ive ever done. and things changed. i went from a manic basket case white knuckling it every day, to a much darker, more sober mourning. in fact, i was finally, really and truly grieving. slowly, after that, i was able to start rebuilding, and things got better.

if i could advise one thing, and one thing only, it would be to completely and fully grieve your relationship. if you manage to do this, all the feelings youre feeling now (anyone reading) will be replaced. they will be replaced with peace. they will be replaced with resolve. they will be replaced with a new found maturity, and strength. until then, i had never really managed to do this. i let "time" (and new girlfriends) dull things, but carried the baggage into the next relationship every time. today, it is impossible to conjure any feelings of pain over her, the breakup, the time we spent together, but perhaps more importantly, its impossible to put myself in that position, acting and coping in the same way.

i am, more or less, a believer in "ripping the bandaid off", and taking the steps to actively disconnect and detach. i believe in facing the hardest, toughest, scariest, fears truths and questions, as soon as one is able (yes, there is someone out there who is a better fit for my ex than me; probably lots of people, and no shortage that are a better fit for me too). because i believe that the way out of the pain is through it, and i know what awaits on the other side. i know that detaching is mental and physical, and that if you can really face those things head on, you are actively moving through it, even when it feels like things are only getting worse.

dont bite off more than you can chew, of course. theres no reason to torture yourself or make things harder on what is already such a fragile recovery process. i couldnt have gotten there faster or simpler than i did. but as youre able, take those steps, face those fears; when you resolve to let go, or even a small part of you does, actively take those steps. it will hurt, things may get worse, but then, they will get better.

[capecodling]

A bit of an esoteric question, but when did you know that it was time to quit doing things that kept you connected to your former partner?

I coming up in the 4 month mark in September which is a similar position to you and it will be the longest she and I have ever gone without communicating, I also plan to never communicate with her again, at least until my reactivity towards her is all the way down to “0.”  I haven’t checked her online presence either, as I knew doing so would just slow down my healing, and I deleted all of her pictures from my phone, except I saved 3 unflattering photos — ones which show her inner BPD — that I can look at if I ever start ruminating too much.

So to answer your question, you’ll know you’ve let go of her when you are no longer doing things to keep the trauma bond intact and once you do this you will heal at a more rapid pace.  By the way, I am breathing a big sigh of relief for you now that you are up to 8 hours of sleep.  I think this is a sign that you are close to the next stage of healing where your recovery will happen at a more accelerated pace. 

[capecodling]

if i could advise one thing, and one thing only, it would be to completely and fully grieve your relationship. if you manage to do this, all the feelings youre feeling now (anyone reading) will be replaced. they will be replaced with peace. they will be replaced with resolve. they will be replaced with a new found maturity, and strength. until then, i had never really managed to do this. i let "time" (and new girlfriends) dull things, but carried the baggage into the next relationship every time. today, it is impossible to conjure any feelings of pain over her, the breakup, the time we spent together, but perhaps more importantly, its impossible to put myself in that position, acting and coping in the same way.

This response was absolutely outstanding.  Over what sort of time period did all of this unfold?  And once you truly started grieving, after you changed the email password, what did the healing process look like from there.  Again, excellent points made here, I am going to reread this.  I’m at the point where you were after you changed the password but I still feel like i am
numbing myself out a bit too much hooking up with other women, not excessively but my grieving has been happening in fits and starts because there are these other women wanting intimacy and now that I have broken free a little bit from
my ex I am able to enjoy them without constantly thinking about my ex the whole time.  Right after breakup I could’t connect to other women at all, no matter who they were, so its a definite improvement there.  But I feel like ai am in danger of being trapped in that danger zone which you had mentioned.

[once removed]

Over what sort of time period did all of this unfold?  And once you truly started grieving, after you changed the email password, what did the healing process look like from there

we broke up, february 18th i believe, of 2011, almost 13 years ago now. my first post says it was on march 26th (i seemed to recall a few months between the breakup and learning about bpd, and bpdfamily, but i guess i was wrong. 13 years will do that to you, but my memory is still pretty good).

she would have been going through my email that whole time. it wasnt something i ever checked, so it was about a month later (according to my posts i already knew about it) and by chance that i even found out.

it was around that time i contacted her here and there to try to exchange belongings. i guess i did that for about a month or two until i gave up and changed my password. i thought all this occurred over 3-5 months, but it looks like it was late april when i wrote that post i excerpted from, so just 2.

its hard to remember the months after that. my sleep schedule was upside down. i had absolutely nothing going on in my life, and i was terribly depressed. the only routine i had was taking a bunch of different supplements to feel better. i felt like i didnt have anybody, including my friends. on one hand, i think i would have bounced back a lot faster had i been surrounded with people and activities. on the other, it kind of forced me to find an emotional resilience i didnt know i had.

so, yeah, it was a pretty dark time, and at some point, hard to say where exactly, it was less about her than my circumstances in general. i remember having feelings of suicidal ideation that summer. so i saw a doctor, who put me on ambien and effexor. i abused the ambien horribly, which made things even worse.

that summer, a friend of mine started coming over every single day, and staying over all day long. that was kind of what i needed. it got my mind off of things. i had company. we did things. so i sort of look at it as taking about 6 months to get over the worst of it all, even though some of that was more about my circumstances than her.

i still had some anger and feelings of injustice around the one year mark. i would say that was a much better place to be in, but it was nagging, stifling, obsessive, and i couldnt turn it off. i wanted to say my piece. i wanted to let her know i knew about everything she had done. all that stuff. i put it into creative writing, and that resolved it.

so, all in all, about a year depending on how you look at it? the healing process was messy. i was abusing drugs. i wasnt really constructively rebuilding my life. but i was grieving, i was looking at my own issues (to the extent that i yet had the ability to do that), and my perspective on the relationship was reasonably balanced.

then i had two more disastrous but short lived relationships (the first was around the 1 year mark), and, i dont mean to insult them, when i say i was really barking up the wrong tree - i couldnt even articulate why i was pursuing them or what i hoped to achieve, we were very different people. when that happened, rather than feeling what id always felt when a relationship didnt work out, or coping the way i always did, it opened my eyes, and i could finally see "wow. it is me. i am the problem. except that it doesnt have to be this way. if im the problem, im the solution. im not bad, broken, or unloveable. i just...holy  i have a lot to learn, and unlearn".

so i came back here to do that six or seven years ago, and ive been doing it since. my ex was ancient history by that point, but the lessons were just starting, and thats where the real fruit bore.

by the way, that contact i so desperately craved? i vividly remember lying on my bed, crying harder than ive ever cried, begging god, not even to have her back, just that it wouldnt be the last time i heard from her...just to know i meant something.

it happened, around the one year mark, and it was pretty anti climatic. she sent a friend request on facebook, then canceled it a few hours later. i mightve thought it could be an accident, but she did the same thing again some months later. i think she was scared, scared that id lash out or reject her, scared that i hated her, so it was her way of kind of putting a feeler out there, with plausible deniability.

it was the last form of contact we ever had.

[capecodling]

so, all in all, about a year depending on how you look at it? the healing process was messy. i was abusing drugs. i wasnt really constructively rebuilding my life. but i was grieving, i was looking at my own issues (to the extent that i yet had the ability to do that), and my perspective on the relationship was reasonably balanced.

I can remember reading some of your old posts about this in the earliest, darkest days of my breakup.  I remember you talking about your friend who came over every day and being addicted to drugs, it helped me get through my difficult days when I didn’t want to get out of bed.  I’m still a little rusty and slow in the mornings, but most days it is after a good night of sleep at least.

I relate to what you said about how you wanted a sign, anything, that she’s still thinking of you and maybe interested.  I’ve been with so many recycle attempts and every time its the same thing: an initial relief and validation that she still wants me, followed by crushing anxiety if I make the mistake of reengaging because I know the world of hurt I am entering.

So part of me wishes she would try to contact me so I can just ignore her or hang up on her, the other (larger) part doesn’t want her to, because even though I’m done forever, it would still put pressure on me if she did. 

I think almost everyone reaches a point where they can’t take  anymore BPD energy in their life and you just want it gone, even if you’re still hurting and missing the ex, you have this internal breaking where you know the only answer is away — not towards — your ex.

In the early days there were all these “what if” questions bouncing around in my head and doubts about the things I had done, things like “what if i could somehow get her treatment”  and “what if she just has BPD traits and not full BPD” and “what if her illness eventually goes away.”  And all of those questions and doubts finally vanished — not that I didn’t have blame because for sure i did  — but because i just couldn’t take anymore toxicity in any form. 

And the pain of wanting to be away from the toxicity was finally greater than the pain of missing her and missing the good times.

[Augustine]

It’s been a long time since I’ve encountered two men best described by the lacrimae rerum from the Aeneid.

“They weep here / For how the world goes, and our life that passes / Touches their hearts."

I’ve read, and re-read, your thoughts, and marvel at their perspicacity. This is the very reason why I continue to come here every day.

I did get closure.
Far more closure than I bargained for, because it’s led me to fumbling and grappling with things that are inexpressible-because they are new, and undefinable-and they’re slowly ushering me into a world view that formerly wasn’t my own.

My entire life, I’ve only been a dilettante regarding relationships, because up until recently, I was embedded more in Goethe’s Sorrows of Werther than in objective reality.  Of course, no one can sustain that degree of almost comic mawkishness indefinitely.

Now I see relationships as a hodgepodge of masks, shadows, base primal urges, and packaged in a mirror box of childhood attachment traumas and anxieties…all staring back at me.

Unfortunately, I have a strong instinct for survival, and it was triggered on my final night with my former partner, and what occurred bothers me a greatly.

[Juantelamela]

I'm going to be 4 months out of the relationship at the end of this month. The first few months I was thinking/obsessing about the relationship every single day. Even at work when things were slow, I'd find myself thinking back to her and everything that could have been to the point where it was impacting my performance(I work in sales).

I'm still friends with a couple of her family members on social media, and there have been a few posts they made where her name was mentioned(but not linked like it would be normally). I've come to realize that she's blocked me from her social media all together. A part of me was hoping she deleted her accounts like she always talked about, but seeing those posts made me realize that her way of coping with the breakup is to shut me out entirely.

I still love her dearly and hold on to strong feelings of hope that she's getting the help she needs and that MAYBE one day we can have that relationship we've always wanted with eachother, but knowing now that I've been completely blocked out of her life has sort of brought me to reality. Whether she's getting that help or not doesn't matter anymore. She wants nothing to do with me. I'm starting to wonder if the love was actually one sided all along and if she saw me more as a savior than a lover.

Ultimately I realized that her and everything about her is out of my control. No matter how much I rationalize, logically argue, or fold and try to keep the peace, there was never anything I could ever do to help her find her own peace. What I am focusing on is on that which IS in my control. I control my thoughts, my actions, how I handle situations. Realizing all this is what has been helping me "quit" her, and to use my energy and emotions towards being a better me.

[capecodling]

I still love her dearly and hold on to strong feelings of hope that she's getting the help she needs and that MAYBE one day we can have that relationship we've always wanted with eachother, but knowing now that I've been completely blocked out of her life has sort of brought me to reality. Whether she's getting that help or not doesn't matter anymore. She wants nothing to do with me. I'm starting to wonder if the love was actually one sided all along and if she saw me more as a savior than a lover.

I’m at a similar place in terms of timeline, like you seem to be in the process of doing, I think I have dropped any hopes my ex and I will ever be together and accepted it just can’t be, short of some sort of miraculous healing, divine intervention, etc.  It just isn’t going to happen.  Even if it did happen, I don’t see myself ever being willing to chance another recycle with her, even if she did purport to be “healed” and finally see the error of her ways (a story i’ve heard so many times already.)  Also I am asking myself more and more why I would ever want to take on another project when there are women who have already pulled themselves together out there wanting to meet someone?

I’ll tell you this, the more you accept its over and face the grief that comes, the faster the healing seems to go.  I think when you are stuck in those early phases of grieving — the denial, the bargaining, the “what ifs” — that’s when it tends to feel like you’re not getting any better, even after months.  It feels like the grieving process gives you a bit of a break when you reach “acceptance” because even though it still hurts like hell, you feel yourself start to improve little by little.  Its like the ice has finally melted enough that time can start chipping away at the mountain of grief that is there.

[Augustine]

Even though this is still recent history, I find it amazing.

After our final tumultuous night together on June 1, I had an intuitive feeling afterwards that September would mark a turning point in my recovery,  and it was.

Being in a hyper vigilant, post relationship, trance-like state, the time passed by painfully slowly.

Well, that’s no longer the case, and I’m now alarmed by how quickly time is passing, as I grew accustomed to its snail’s pace over my recovery.

When I picture her now, and think (not ruminate) of our time together, I see someone very vulnerable, very frightened, and really struggling through life.

I must have been drawn to her for these reasons eight years ago, and it also accounts for my subsequent caretaker exhaustion that characterized the latter stages of our time together.

Alcohol became my saviour for a year, but I was fortunate to kick the habit two years ago, but it was hard, as then I was forced to face the reality of my situation day-by-day.

Guess when her symptoms went into overdrive? Yup, as soon as I was clear-headed, as she probably noted this change in me. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she had encountered this before in previous relationships, and understood that the clock was ticking.

It stands to reason that the triangulation soon followed, and her female favourite person soon became someone for whom she had a messianic fascination.

We kept chickens, and she was enormously fond of them, and I’d see her out there with them, but she’d also be on her phone until well past dark. 

I was mostly beyond caring at that point, so wasn’t concerned about her internet activities, but it’s obvious to me that she was texting her FP. 

The FP was a real piece of work, definitely HPD/NPD, and insufferable company. She and her husband didn’t have much to do with each other anymore, and he was blind drunk by 2pm every day, so they definitely weren’t benchmark normal.  The FP must have been in heaven with my x’s obsessive admiration. 

We didn’t last more than a few more weeks beyond that point.

God, it’s all so clear to me now.

It goes without saying that my days of being a rescuer/caretaker have finally come to an end, and I wouldn’t be attracted to someone who exhibited these requirements anymore.

I think I’ve cleared the final hurdle, killing a childish impulse of mine that has really been ruinous.

I truly feel like a different person.

[Pensive1]

I took me a long time to reach at least the first major stage of quitting time.

We were together 25 years. I went through the initial blissed out stage in the first year or so, then many years of dissatisfaction and questioning why I was in that relationship, to a point, starting about seven years ago, where I developed a kind of mature love, loving and accepting her warts and all, but not knowing how to make the relationship work well (given her severe BPD).

Then, about four years ago, the relationship began to consistently improve and I felt hope. Then two years ago, her son became meth addicted, and amidst the stress of that crisis, she melted down, then began an affair with an NPD guy (who was married and cheating on his wife).

I decided I would give it at least a year, and perhaps two, before I moved on. And she wanted me to continue to function as essentially her platonic husband/best friend. We actually had some nice times together, with a bunch of shared activities, but it was also brutally painful (since her romantic partner was the NPD guy).

After a year, I met a woman I liked, and we began moving toward having a relationship, but she put up boundaries and eventually cut it off entirely, because I was still spending time with my ex. I can't blame her at all - that was healthy of her.

I continued spending each weekend with my ex, and rescuing her from her messes. But a couple months ago I started doing some real soul searching - internally, moving toward a decision to end most contact (as my therapist and all my friends were advising).

Then she asked me to put a rental car on my credit card for her, so she could drive to a weekend rendezvous with her NPD boyfriend. I said no - that it was a bridge too far. And I decided to end most contact. I have to maintain some communication, because I'm the primary support for my stepson (her son), etc. I told her of my decision yesterday, and she appeared to accept it - she said that she recognized that how we were doing things was hurting me, and that she felt guilty about that. The current plan is to talk some more over the next couple days, then to cease all contact except for essential communication around a few key things (her son, etc). I am thinking I might allow us to see each other for a day once every two months. It's now almost two years since she began that affair and then broke up with me, so it took me a long time to get to this point.

[Pook075]

As a Christian, my faith has got me through the past year and I really struggled making sense of which way was up.  I believed the Bible was clear that you never give up, it's until death do us part.  But one verse kept jumping out at me- If an unbeliever walks away, you let them go.  So I really dug into that and what it actually meant, and I found a passage talking about being unequally yoked.  Just like a pair of oxen in a field, if one person is trying harder than the other, both will fail.  And I realized that I was unequally yoked in my marriage hoping to pull the weight for both of us.

My wife left me after a deep bout of depression and immediately started pursuing someone else- a family friend who was suddenly widowed.  It didn't work out between them for obvious reasons, the man was nowhere near ready to move on, and my wife's family had plenty to say about it.  The Bible grants divorce for adultery and explains that "emotionally cheating" certainly counts, but I still loved my wife deeply and continued to wait for a chance to reconcile.  

It's IMPOSSIBLE to move on when you're only half in, half out, and for a long time I think I was lying to myself...I'm over this, but I'm still hoping it works out somehow.  My faith would get me through it and God had a plan for my life, he wouldn't let my marriage just end and have our family torn apart.  So I kept patiently waiting and expecting a different outcome, even though my wife had panic attacks whenever I would reach out.  I didn't understand it at the time but she was terrified that I'd get ugly over her affair and/or tell the rest of her family what actually happened.

Maybe 5 or 6 months ago, I finally understood what God was telling me.  My wife couldn't love me for me, hadn't been there for me in quiet a lot time, and I stayed down and depressed to be in a miserable marriage.  While I could forgive her and love her as I was called to do, she couldn't do the same and her pride prevented her from ever apologizing or trying to make things right.  It's a BPD thing, of course, and I think she regrets many of the decisions she's made.  But I truly believe that God has kept her away because he has something more planned for me down the road.

I met someone online a few months back and we've been in a long distance relationship- she's in the Philippines as a single mom and a devout believer.  And although we're separated by over 8,000 miles, she's there for me in ways that I never had within my marriage.  We've become best friends and plan to start a fiancee visa process once I'm divorced.  Just having real support for the first time in decades, someone I can talk to about anything and know she'll always have my best interests at heart, and I can understand why God did not allow my wife to return.

So to answer your question directly about when it's quitting time- the time to quit is when your partner can no longer be there for you in everyday life.  That's physically, mentally, and/or spiritually, because love is a two-way commitment to always forgive and be there for one another through thick and thin.

It's funny, one verse kept popping out at me throughout this journey- 1st Corinthians 13:4-7.  It reads, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

At first, I took that to mean that I should love my wife that way while she cheated on me and treated me horribly, which I did without second thought.  But after 6+ months, it dawned on me that that's how I'm meant to be loved as well.  None of my wife's words or actions over the past few years aligned with her religion or upbringing, which brought me back to 1st Corinthians 7:15- "If an unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace."

Now, some of you might not believe in God, but the advice stands all the same.  The time to walk away is when you're loving but not being loved, and there's no way to rekindle what's clearly in the past.  We can't live in the past, it's dead, and by trying to maintain what's clearly gone, it only brings us down and breaks us through suffering.  That's not how any of us are called to live or love.

[Collaguazo]

I still love her dearly and hold on to strong feelings of hope that she's getting the help she needs and that MAYBE one day we can have that relationship we've always wanted with eachother, but knowing now that I've been completely blocked out of her life has sort of brought me to reality. Whether she's getting that help or not doesn't matter anymore. She wants nothing to do with me. I'm starting to wonder if the love was actually one sided all along and if she saw me more as a savior than a lover.

Around a month ago I reached out to my ex and we started seeing each other again. I ended things yesterday.

Big mistake obviously, but it did help me realize some things. I was never in love with her, I had a trauma bond with her. Sure I cared about her but deep down I had to accept that I was addicted to her validation, mainly sex. I also understood that it was my ego, not love, that made me want to stay with her.

After the first break-up I had intense feelings of guilty: “Maybe I should have done more to help her, she has a disorder, she needed me and I failed her, etc”

Don’t fall for this, because honestly, a BPD has no sympathy for you. They have the ability to very easily move on after a break up by either finding a new partner or painting you black and blocking all feelings for you.

Except the grudges, they keep those stored in a SSD 2.0 drive and if you ever get back together again, they won’t miss any opportunity to bring them back and shove them in your face.

[Augustine]

Except the grudges, they keep those stored in a SSD 2.0 drive and if you ever get back together again, they won’t miss any opportunity to bring them back and shove them in your face.

I guess that I’m blessed. Not only did I manage to successfully extract myself from a pretty uncongenial setting, but she used so many coats of roofing bitumen when she painted me black that I’m still dripping in the stuff, and guaranteed to never hear from her again.

Oh yeah, the guilt…  I’ve got that in spades too; however, it’s not our problem.  Just like a junkie, there is no one preventing them from stopping their self-destructive behaviour but themselves, so I have zero sympathy.

I developed an over reliance on alcohol whilst with her, and couldn’t moderate my intake.  However, when I could see the damage it was causing, I thought that she was important enough that quitting cold-turkey was simplicity itself.

It didn’t make any difference.  Nothing I ever did made the slightest bit of difference.

Oh yeah, and they never, ever forgive/forget any transgressions…real, or imagined.

My x and I were together for eight years.  Over that time, she’d call an x periodically, reminding him that he owed her money. She’d harass him, his mother, and his brothers/sisters over the phone over something that took place a decade ago!

I reminded her that if after a decade of placing harassing calls, making one more probably wasn’t going to tip the balance in her favour.

Yeah, that went over like a led balloon. God knows how that simple observation came out of the borderline wash, but I strongly suspect that my insight was reconfigured as being the worst insult ever perpetrated in the course of human history.

Sweet Christ, it’s so glorious to be rid of all that insanity.

[capecodling]

I reminded her that if after a decade of placing harassing calls, making one more probably wasn’t going to tip the balance in her favour.

Yeah, that went over like a led balloon. God knows how that simple observation came out of the borderline wash, but I strongly suspect that my insight was reconfigured as being the worst insult ever perpetrated in the course of human history.

I laughed at this line for about 5 minutes straight.  Thank you, I think you single-handedly just knocked an entire month off my recovery time from my latest BPD breakup!

[Augustine]

I laughed at this line for about 5 minutes straight.  Thank you, I think you single-handedly just knocked an entire month off my recovery time from my latest BPD breakup!

“…if I can cheer somebody with a word or song…then my living will not be in vain”

[Augustine]

It’s like I’m in denial, and don’t want to let go of her. The moment I stop talking about her, and researching BPD online, then it will truly mark the end of those eight years with her.

3 months, and 25 days (or 32.05% of 2023) since our breakup, with a significant proportion of that time invested in researching BPD.

However, having all the answers regarding a disorder isn’t a substitute for resuming a normal life again in a post borderline world.

The relationship post mortem, and endless speculation, acted like a bulwark between myself and reality, preventing me from moving forward.

Trying to comprehend something that by its very definition is entirely resistant to reason, is a kind of madness itself, and keeps you tethered to the past.

So, goodbye, and thank you. 

It was a very dark moment in my life, but I was extremely fortunate to have your input to guide me out of that awful experience.

[capecodling]

3 months, and 25 days (or 32.05% of 2023) since our breakup, with a significant proportion of that time invested in researching BPD.

However, having all the answers regarding a disorder isn’t a substitute for resuming a normal life again in a post borderline world.

The relationship post mortem, and endless speculation, acted like a bulwark between myself and reality, preventing me from moving forward.

Trying to comprehend something that by its very definition is entirely resistant to reason, is a kind of madness itself, and keeps you tethered to the past.

So, goodbye, and thank you. 

It was a very dark moment in my life, but I was extremely fortunate to have your input to guide me out of that awful experience.

Thank you, and glad you feel that 4 months has helped you put some distance between yourself and the situation.  I would usually take that someone leaving this board means they feel like they have fully healed.  i hope that is the case for you!

[Augustine]

Thank you, and glad you feel that 4 months has helped you put some distance between yourself and the situation.  I would usually take that someone leaving this board means they feel like they have fully healed.  i hope that is the case for you!

It is the case, thankfully.

I could also see a danger in becoming too engrossed in all things BPD related, as it’s a passive attempt to maintain an emotional bond to the former partner, and I don’t wish to have my life totally eclipsed by what occurred to me.

At some point, you just have to mentally acknowledge what occurred, and walk away, hopeful that whatever life lesson was lifted from the experience was sufficient to protect you in the future. 

I think that many of us share a personality feature that made us not only susceptible to these couplings, but also keeps us cemented in the past afterwards.

By fully letting go, and embracing what emerges from the solitude, and moving forward into something that seems disquieting, only then will we make any significant steps towards complete healing. 

You’re already at that critical point too.

 By this time next year, all of this will seem like an alien landscape, and foreign to us.

 Just keep walking forward now, mate, into that future.

[capecodling]

Those are wise words you speak, and, yes I agree it probably is some form of maintaining the trauma bond in some cases.   For me, I still am feeling a bit of that BPD gaslit craziness, there is a very very small part of me that still wonders if this was all my fault or if I was the crazy one.  Reading the stories of others — many of which have details identical to what I experienced — it makes me feel a little less crazy each time I read it.  A little more certain of my own decisions.  I’ve never been one to second guess my decisions, so this last bit of healing is still valuable to me, because for the first time in my life I seriously questioned a lot of my decisions and perceptions when I was with a BPD.  But I can see there will come a day when it is time to disconnect as you are doing now.  Congratulations to you, my friend!