Vent: toxic mother

[Sunflower123]

This is my first time posting on this board, I'm usually on the partner board. Unfortunately, I have believed all my life that my mother has signs of BPD, with possible NPD, anti-social personality, or really just all the cluster B traits. She abused me terribly as a child. It would take me forever to post all the details, but it was physical, psychological, and possibly sexual. I have a lot of trauma from my childhood and she tortured me in every way possible. Then some days she would treat me really nice, like nothing ever happened. She would buy me nice things and we'd go on vacations. She would be happy and funny and kind. She would show up at my school events. From the outside everyone thought she was a great mother. I became an extremely withdrawn and quiet child and was made fun of a lot for not talking. As I grew older, I tried to break free from the abuse. It continued into my teenage years. I was scared to report it. My dad knew about it and he always enabled her. He said he was scared of her. He would even make me apologize to my mom after she abused me. I was constantly punished and grounded in my room. I could hardly have friends over or go out. When I went to college I finally had a taste of freedom, but yet my mom would still try to control me. After college, I had to move back in with my parents. The abuse continued. It was less physical, more psychological. She would break into my (locked) door when I was sleeping and start yelling or throwing my belongings everywhere and breaking things. I'd have to clean it up. She would take my cell phone or my car keys and hide them (I was 22) so I couldn't get to work. She wouldn't let me go out with my friends. She'd constantly get into fights with my dad and pulled out knives and things like that. One time she threw a knife at me. My dad tried to call 911 and got scared so he hung up. She would also lock herself in her room and say no one loved her and cry for days. One day she took all of my things and threw them outside when I was 23. She told me I had to leave. So, I did. And that's when I started living with my now (ex)bpd partner.

That's another story, but I lived with him for 13 years and currently still do. We live overseas and my mom has continued to be toxic in my life even from another continent. My dad continues to enable and make excuses for her. I visited a couple of times and it was a nightmare. Yet she complains about how I "left her" and that I don't love her. She tells my dad constantly to call me and tell me I have to treat her nicely. She picks fights with me constantly and puts me down, calls me names, makes fun of me, etc. She constantly wants recognition for all the "good things" she does for others and if you don't give it to her she gets extremely depressed. She had a rare skin cancer growth over 3 years ago and it was removed completely with surgery. Not saying it wasn't serious, but she goes around still to this day telling everyone about how she HAS cancer. She recently took up drinking also. I haven't been there to witness this, but I've been told she's gotten blackout drunk and driven several times amongst other really disturbing things she's done drunk. My dad didn't take her keys because he was scared. I confronted him about it and he swore she'd get help, but they never went.

I'm now 37 and tonight felt like the last straw for me. I've been going through a very rough time in my life right now with my currently (ex)pwbpd. My parents are aware of what's going on. Around 10pm my time my mom started messaging me trying to pick a fight. I didn't respond. Then I started to get ready for bed around 11:30, when I received a message from my dad to call him. I asked if it was an emergency because I was going to bed. He said yes and I panicked, called. He answered and the first thing he said was, "you need to be nice to your mother". I told him I was going to bed and couldn't talk about this now. I hung up. I went to take a shower.

When I got out (midnight) I had about 20 missed calls from my mom, 10 missed calls from my dad and tons of messages saying call me call me. Then I had messages from my mom saying you better f$^ing call your dad, and threats if I wouldn't call. I said I'm going to bed and I don't want to fight. Stop calling me we can talk tomorrow. The calls and messages didn't stop. She said fine, she'll message my (ex)wbpd. She knew very well that this would hurt me and cause a lot of problems. Then she said she was calling him. She actually did and it was after midnight, she caused a lot of drama.

She ended up doing a lot of damage and making my situation much much worse than it already was. She knew what she was doing. She called me smugly to tell me what she had done because I wouldn't call her. I finally snapped and screamed and swore profusely at her (I had this pent up for a lonnnnnnggg time as I usually just took her abuse). I told her to f&^& off that was it and never talk to me again.  I really meant it. She told me I have mental health issues and she understands why my (ex)wbpd doesn't want to be with me. I've been going to therapy now for a few years and I've realized all the damage she's done in my life. I still have nightmares about her. She refuses to get help and my dad just enables her. I used to feel sorry for him, but he's become her accomplice in doing really bad things to me over the years. I'm just feeling betrayed right now and wondering how she managed to terrorize me from all the way across the world. I feel like I've actually been assaulted. My (ex)wbpd has also been triggered into a split making things even worse for me now. He won't talk to me at all about what happened.

I think she started to act more abusive again when she thought that I might have no option but to live with them again. Or that's what she envisioned even though I told her that would never happen. She truly believed that if my relationship is over then I'll move back by her. Which is something she's always giving me a guilt trip about. Why is it that I'm still feeling guilty for what happened? How can I be strong enough to cut her off for good or until she gets serious help? It's even harder now because I also don't have the support of my ex long-term partner. I feel really alone and upset. I feel like I've been treated badly by the people closest to me. I also feel like no one believes me or takes it seriously. Sorry, for the vent, but I just needed to get it out.  Trying to figure out what to do now.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I’m so sorry they are treating you like that, that’s all pretty much insane, especially from someone’s parents. I don’t think I have the answers for you on what to do, but no one deserves that crap.

I totally relate to feeling like no one believes me, it’s like no matter how many times I tell my story, I still feel gaslit and like somehow I am the problem, that no one could ever understand. I think I feel that way because it’s my story, and it’s been invalidated so much with lies, and me being scapegoated. But this is your story, no one can take your story from you. Some others might relate to your story better than me. It sucks so much that society at large is in such denial about these things or just so unwilling to deal with it, that it’s such a struggle to find people who understand.

There’s plenty of people here with screwed up parents, they might not have your story, but we know how abusive, cruel, and isolating it can be. I too have had all my resources widdled down by abuse. It can be very lonely, and scary. I keep going because I know I am worth more than this, and even worth more than I often feel. You are too. Hope you feel better, and can find a way out.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi SunFlower,

There is a saying here that : all roads lead to the PSI board. So, welcome to the board.

It honestly all sounds awful. You tried to keep your boundary, and she went as far as calling your ex with BPD? This is very upsetting, your BPD mother sounds rageful, and it seems you are her main punching bag. This is a tough situation to be in, and I can't even begin to imagine the amount of pain you endured, alone, as a child. But you are not alone anymore, we are here to support you.

You mentioned a time zone, are your parents and you in a different time zone? Would it be possible to take a break from the relationship for a while, maybe? The amount and severity of the abuse sound overwhelming, and considering the childhood you've had, I can only imagine how stressful and anxious your mother must make you feel.

When I am in contact with my mother, I start having nosebleeds because of rising anxiety. This is a body reaction from her abuse of me as a child, that I simply can't control. She puts me in a terrible fight or flight state. The longer a visit would last, the worst I start to feel, until I lose complete track of myself. Last time I ended up feeling like a small child, alone, confused and hurt. She triggers a condition of C-PTSD I developed from her constant switch (happy/rage/abusive). The only way I found to get back to myself is to decrease contact. Is this an option for you?

You are not guilty of anything. Being in contact with our mother does seem to trigger what we here call FOG (Fear-Obligation-Guilt). Maybe you've heard it before. Our mothers raised us to fill their needs, to be what they needed us to be, and as young children, we never could defend against a grown adult. Please... Be gentle with yourself. You did nothing wrong. You deserved a good night sleep after a rough day, this is a normal need. You expressed it and they just steamrolled your boundary and abused you. This was NOT your fault.  

I haven't followed your posts on the relationship board, I seldom go there, are you obligated to be in contact with your BPD ex? I am sorry to learn your mother can use him against you... I am asking because what kind of protective boundaries could be put in place, so that they both slowly lose access to you, or so that your mother cannot create more drama around you, and use the situation with your ex? She seems relentless... I mean... They, your mother and father, harassed you. Do they do that often?

[Notwendy]

Hi Sunflower123-

I have seen some of your posts on the relationship board. I spend time on there too, perhaps more from the perspective of understanding my parents' relationship and sharing advice when I can, but also have learned a lot about my own relationship, albeit much different from my parents', but with some similar patterns - my own co-dependent behaviors- that I have worked on.

There is a connection between dysfunction in our family of origin and how that influences our future romantic relationships. It's not just with BPD but the patterns are similar to families where there is addiction and abuse as well. I am glad you have found us here on this board- I think it is all connected- and that working on your FOO patterns- not from a position of blame, but to learn about yourself, is also a key to learning about the relationship patterns we have as adults.

Much of who we are attracted to and who attracts us is unconscious. But on a family dynamic level, when disordered patterns are familiar to us, we tend to match with people with whom we recreate similar familiar patterns for both. This is the "normal" we grew up with- and if we have felt this odd combination of being both loved and abused, that is familiar to us.

There are differences between our parents but one pattern that is similar is an enabling father. While for me, my father was the most stable and supportive parent, it's difficult to also know that he enabled my mother's behavior. This is hard to comprehend but also consider this- your parents are in a pattern of balance with each other. This isn't something you can change.

From your post, I think that moving in with your parents would be the last resort option and one to avoid if at all possible. With your current abusive relationship, a domestic abuse shelter would be a better option than to go into what is another abusive situation. You also have the option of going NC with your parents. I would not make contact contingent on your mother seeking help. It's unlikely she would on her own and with your father enabling her, the two of them are in a kind of balance. Any enabling reduces the incentive to make a change.

Your focus is to take care of you, where you can stay without your ex or your parents. I hope you are in counseling, that is probably your best form of support. I think many of us understand this kind of family dysfunction too.

[Methuen]

Welcome to the PSI board Sunflower123! I'm so glad you made your way over here.

What your mom did with harassing you like that is the action of a desperate woman completely out of control.  But it's not unexpected because of her BPD.  What your dad did - by supporting her when she's out of control and threatening and abusing you emotionally, now that should have been within his control.  He could have simply said no.  "I'm not messaging Sunflower. Take a time-out Dorothy.  Go for a walk, and calm yourself." The fact that he supported her means he's not safe for you either.  That's just really really rough.  

I've been going through a very rough time in my life right now with my currently (ex)pwbpd. My parents are aware of what's going on. Around 10pm my time my mom started messaging me trying to pick a fight. I didn't respond. Then I started to get ready for bed around 11:30, when I received a message from my dad to call him. I asked if it was an emergency because I was going to bed. He said yes and I panicked, called. He answered and the first thing he said was, "you need to be nice to your mother". I told him I was going to bed and couldn't talk about this now. I hung up. I went to take a shower.

I don't know you, but I'm still proud of you.  I remember the first time I walked out of my mother's house.  I've also had to hang up on her.  It's so hard.  But it's what is needed for us to respect ourselves, since they can't.

She ended up doing a lot of damage and making my situation much much worse than it already was. She knew what she was doing. She called me smugly to tell me what she had done because I wouldn't call her. I finally snapped and screamed and swore profusely at her... She told me I have mental health issues and she understands why my (ex)wbpd doesn't want to be with me. I've been going to therapy now for a few years and I've realized all the damage she's done in my life. I still have nightmares about her. She refuses to get help and my dad just enables her. I used to feel sorry for him, but he's become her accomplice in doing really bad things to me over the years. I'm just feeling betrayed right now and wondering how she managed to terrorize me from all the way across the world. I feel like I've actually been assaulted.

So when she says all those nasty things to you, she's really talking about herself (mental illness etc), but dumping her feelings on you. You have every right to feel betrayed because I think you have been.  She did the very worst thing she could - to call your xbpdbf - just to get your attention.  That was a very harmful betrayal. She found a way to insert herself into your personal space across an ocean and stir up additional chaos.

She needs help but won't accept help, so all you can do is limit your exposure.  Can you block both her and your father?

Are you working?  Are you financially independent?  You refer to your bpd partner as an "ex". Can you find a place of your own to live independently from this chaos? Since he is now part of your mother's drama? Would living on your own be better than this? Or is it even an option?

I also feel like no one believes me or takes it seriously.

I believe you unconditionally Sunflower123.  Feel free to vent away.  I believe that "getting" it out is a critical first step.

My story is different.  But the similarity is a completely out-of-control mother screaming all her worst fears about herself onto you and saying you are the sick one.  Raging.  Completely irrational.  For me, these emotional dysregulations of theirs, are akin to temporary insanity.  

So yes, I completely and unconditionally believe you.  All of it.

[Turkish]

I feel like I've been treated badly by the people closest to me.

You've been treated badly by the people closest to you. Don't doubt this.

[Tangled mangled]

Hi Sunflower123,

I’m so sorry for what’s happened and continues to happen to you. I cried reading your story because it was so triggering, I too had an abusive mother and father ( I think my mother is Bpd and dad a covert narcissist, I have read that this combination in toxic couples lasts a longtime)  and currently divorcing my bpd husband after 10 yrs of marriage and 2 children. I’m in my late 30s and had to move to a different continent 14 years ago. I was her scapegoat.

Sounds like your mom doesn’t want you coming home to rely on her. I m lost for words because up till a 2 months ago, I was stuck with my abusive ex, waiting to secure accommodation to leave. That was horrible because my husband started the smear campaign against me and triangulated with my toxic family in a different continent. The only difference for me was that I had already gone no contact with my parents and siblings.
There are lots of resources on this site as you will find but one that really stuck was advice on dealing with BPD family members the F OG ( fear, obligation and guilt ).
You may want to look up trauma bond and the effect this is having on you. It’s very difficult to break free, but I had to be strict about it: it took me a while but I blocked all family members on WhatsApp, deactivated my social media and blocked their mobile numbers.
One thing that helped me while living with my bpd ex husband for 6 months after physical assault was limited contact while living together. I took control of the situation at home by stating clearly that communication was only for essential purposes and clearly defined what essential purpose was ( utility bills and childcare). I stopped relying on him for anything.

Please look after yourself, your parents underestimate risk they are putting you through. Please be prepared to leave and plan quietly. Do not share any information about the future with your parents or ex as they will deliberately sabotage. Going no contact with your parents will reduce your stress and allow you to make a plan.

None of this is your fault- consider the possibility of both your parents being disordered. My dad use to use me as the mood stabiliser for my mom. After no contact he started abusing me directly too and had been doing it for years without me realising.
Please take care of yourself and keep safe. Your situation sounds very volatile and I will advise to seek help from domestic violence charities or organisations.

I never thought I could leave and survive on my own. Domestic violence charities pointed me in the right direction with receiving housing assistance and other government assistance. I’m so much better off.
I was also put on antidepressants and this helped me feel in control of my self and not feel like I was going crazy.. Please stay safe, right now the only person that matters is you- guard your mental and physical safety at all costs .
Take care

[Sunflower123]

I'm having a tough time today and just needed to post. My parents have not tried to reach out to me at all since. I decided that I wouldn't call my dad for Father's Day or send a card because of what happened. This is hurting me badly and I'm feeling guilty. I talked to another family member today and they mentioned how hurt my dad is that he hasn't heard from me yet. This person said that maybe I should call him anyway. They also suggested that I try to smooth things over...

I feel like I can't just act like nothing happened or they will just do something similar again. That's how everyone in my family seems to deal with things. They just act like it never happened and then move on until the next time. Am I wrong for not calling him or sending a card? Should I send him a text? My guilt is overwhelming right now... 

[zachira]

You are doing what is best for you by ignoring your father on Fathers Day. You are also correct that enabling hurtful behaviors will mean that the hurtful behaviors will happen again, and in my experiences with my disordered family members will just get worse. It is normal to feel emotionally overwhelmed when we begin to set healthy boundaries with our disordered family members. The guilt will lessen with time, as you continue to set boundaries that protect you from family members who mistreat you, never apologize, and then continue mistreating you. Hang in there and let the healing begin! Sending you a virtual hug on this Fathers Day.

[Methuen]

Sunflower, I get how overwhelming Father's Day can feel.  For me it was Mother's Day.  It was overwhelming and awful.  I cooked a breakfast for my mom with other family around, but it was too much time with her for me.  

It would be nice if people who aren't living our experience kept their opinions to themselves.  The problem is they think too much of their own opinions even though they know nothing about the real deep hurtful truth of your experience.  People like to judge. Somehow judging others makes them feel better about themselves. The family member who told you how hurt your dad is isn't thinking about you.  They are feeding the drama your dad is a part of and only thinking about him when they offer the opinion that you should call your dad. But how much time did they spend understanding and empathizing with your experience  before they offered that opinion?  What is their motivation for offering this opinion? Why are they even telling you this?  

The story you relayed at the top of this post received consistent responses from members of this forum stating unequivically that you were abused, and the treatment by your mother and enabling father were terrible.  And yet here you are, the one feeling guilty.  It's crazy. Could they be also be feeling guilty, or do they only see themselves as the victims blaming you for their bad feelings? Somehow it seems backwards that you are owning this guilt.

Ask yourself logically, if you were to text your Father, how do you think that would go?  Could it go well?  Or might it be an opportunity for dad and mom to somehow boomerang back a bunch of negative stuff at you because you've opened the lines of communication? Might you feel even worse at the end of the texts?  Or is it reasonably possible that it could go well, especially if you really want a relationship with your dad? It's really an analysis of risks and benefits.

Sometimes in these situations, I write things down in point form lists.  It helps me work through analyzing the problem, so that I don't make a decision based on pure emotion which I might regret later.  In your case, one list could be the things your mother and father have each done/said that hurt you the most. Another list could be the things they have each done that have helped/supported you.  This is a balanced and acknowledging approach.  Another list could be the risks associated with making that text.  Another list could be the possible benefits. Sometimes visually seeing the lists, the qualitative points on the lists (some points carry more weight than others), and the length of each list can cut through the emotion, and help to see the logic.  You look at the lists, and they look back at you. That is one technique I use.  I don't know if it has any appeal for you.

It takes time and energy to do this exercise.  But the advantage is that whatever you decide, there's LOGIC to it and you can feel content with your decision. I think this could help with the guilt you are experiencing, because whatever your decision, it's rational, and not emotional.

I can say/do stupid things when I am emotional.  Even though it doesn't happen often, it bothers me a lot when it does, because I recognize that bad feelings and emotions often lead to bad results. Emotion is the only thing that governs my mom.  I don't want to be like her.  And overwhelming emotions are awful. I believe that the more emotional we are, the less rational we are.The trick is to do whatever works for you to get back to baseline, or feeling more rational again.  

If you decide to call your dad, it should be clear to you why you are doing it.  IMHO, it should be because it is right for you and is true to some value you hold, not because you feel this responsibility to make your dad's bad feelings go away.  He needs to do the work to analyze where his bad feelings are coming from, and then fix them himself. That's part of being an adult. The problem is he and your mom are not emotionally healthy adults, so they would probably never do this.  Still, they have hurt you deeply.  So if you decide to call him, it should be because it fits some value you hold for yourself, not because of guilt for him.  I hope that makes sense.

The decisions I've made based on lists at least give me a reason to better understand and validate my own decision. If things work out, then my lists helped me.  If my decision doesn't go the way I hoped it would, then I at least know I did my homework first, and I'm less likely to beat myself up for things going badly. Sometimes things go badly because of the other person!  But gaslighting from our BPD parent makes us own the guilt. Where does all this stop?

At the end of the day, what will make you feel better.  Texting or not texting?

[Auggie]

Your experience is similar to mine.  I am an only child and in my 50’s now.  My father passed away three years ago, but he would do they same thing as your father.  He would make me call her and apologize after she kicked me out of the house. He would ask me to be nice to her because he was afraid of the blowback from her.  She would cry for three days after we had a disagreement. Then he would call me because he was depressed because she would say that she wanted to kill herself. Constant guilt.  I have PTSD around her now and get panic attacks and excessive nervousness.  I went NC last October and have blocked her cells phone, email, etc. she has somatization and narcissistic behavior.
When I was communicating she would call multiple times a day. Email multiple times a day, guilt, etc. i have been in therapy for a year and it helps a lot.  I stopped listening to others and focusing on these boards and with therapist. Even my wife and best friend tend take an empathetic approach to her, but they just didn’t grow up with the craziness.
It would have been hard to go NC with my dad alive, but he died 3 years ago.  That said, i have really been more in touch with my emotions since the NC. We are suppressing so much anger and anxiety, it is hard to see when you’re constantly thinking of their “next move”. I do think about my mother daily, and so it does relieve that, but i am being kind to myself, reading BPD books, and accepting that this is how it is right now. You come first.