Should I have a talk about the elephant in the room with my pwBPD?

[Dendrophylax]

Greetings,

To sum up a long story... I've been seeing this girl for a while. Everything was magical when we first met, she was affective, supportive and very much involved.

But since a few weeks, she's grown more distant. I've learned since that she has BPD and I've been trying to educate myself about this condition ever since.

When we started seeing each other, she did mention that she ''sometimes'' has issues with her phone and that it receives messages extremely late. It has never been an issue before, but since she became distant, she always replies to me days later, saying that she just got my message (sometimes it's a day or 2 later; now it's like 5 days later).

Am I right to think that it's actually a coping mechanism when she needs space? I've been meaning to tell her that I know about her BPD and it's ok if she needs space and some time, she can write back whenever she wants and I won't be upset. She doesn't have to lie, I understand it's difficult for her and I'll give her as much space as she needs. I just wonder if it’s a good idea to bring it up since I don't want to upset her. I'm just sad she feels like she needs to lie about it when we can just have an honest communication.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

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[waverider]

Often people with BPD have been making excuses and making up stories their whole life. It comes partly from insecurities it also continues as once they make up an excuse, they almost believe it to the point that if you openly dont believe it they will genuinely feel themselves being victimized by you. This is why it is very difficult to introduce the elephant in the room, as they have been denying its existence and throwing a blanket over it for years. Being completely honest is to be completely exposed, this is not going to happen.

They tend to also compartmentalize things. That is, whatever does not involve you is their business, and you have no right to know or ask/questions and they will cover it up. Even if it is totally innocent

Most likely she has never known or experienced normal behaviour so expecting great changes after a "chat" is not going to happen. I have found short term changes can happen but ultimately it just reverts back to type and the same or similar behaviour reoccurs.

The general approach here is there is not much you can do to change your pwBPD, only change the way you deal with the way they are.

[livednlearned]

I've learned since that she has BPD and I've been trying to educate myself about this condition ever since.

It's nice that you're motivated to understand her better and give her space if that's what she wants.

Any thoughts on why she might not want to text you right away?

It's hard to say whether this is BPD behavior or something else. I don't have BPD and I don't answer people right away. Honestly, it feels healthier this way. 

been meaning to tell her that I know about her BPD

How did you find out?

[Dendrophylax]

How did you find out?

Well, what this girl doesn't know is that I have a close friend, who happens to have a family member who knows her very well, for more than 15 years. I was having a talk with my friend, explaining the whole phone situation and when they got inquisitive about who that girl was, they found out that she had a mutual friend, who happens to be their family member.

My friend reached out and found out everything, about her BPD, about how she's been using this phone thing as an excuse for years, how nobody really trusts her in her social circle, that she's impulsive and always tries to borrow money to her friends and never pay them back etc...

The days in-between responses are not really what bothers me. It's more that, I've come to take it as her words are devoid of real meaning. She keeps telling me how important I am for her, that she thinks about me every single day, and always keeps on saying that she would never ghost me (which probably means she will sooner than later), it's just that she just now received my message, when I know that it is, of course, a lie.

It's making me feel uneasy this whole over apologetic exchange. I just want her to be upfront and honest and I'll understand. I accept her for who she is, it makes me very happy being around her. I just don't understand why she feels like she needs to lie.

[livednlearned]

This:

It's making me feel uneasy this whole over apologetic exchange. I just want her to be upfront and honest and I'll understand.

and this:

I accept her for who she is, it makes me very happy being around her. I just don't understand why she feels like she needs to lie.

seem to say two different things.

She has a weak sense of self and a fear of engulfment. This is her.

What if in her mind she's saying, "I accept him for who he is but he expects me to always tell the truth."

What do you think drives her behavior to hide and lie?

[Dendrophylax]

What do you think drives her behavior to hide and lie?

I think the real issue is, I fear losing her. We went from texting daily to her replying belatedly. Although deep down, for some reason I feel this time around I'll never hear back from her, and that's ok. She lives her life the way she wants to, and I hope she find happiness down the road.

I figure she either met someone else and she doesn't know how to tell me, but she also cares about me and wants to keep me around in some ways, or, maybe I got too close to her and she got into a fight or flight state, hence her not engaging as much as she used to.

I guess it's best to take it a day at a time and go from there.

[waverider]

How does she react if the roles are reversed? Does she expect immediate responses to her messages? Would see be ok with excuses if anyone else made them?

This could be defective empathy that is often talked about. Even though things could be triggering to her, she has no concept that the same behaviour towards others could be irritating to others. Does she act victim if you pressure her on these obvious excuses?

It is also not unusual for a pwBPD to trot out the same hard to believe excuse, repeatedly even though it becomes completely obvious due to its overuse, they still do not understand the compounding effect of this belief. An analogy would be little Johnny telling teacher that the dog ate his homework everyday of term and seriously expect to believed every time.

Ultimately it is a personal trait that is unlikely to go away and will resurface in many different scenarios, it is how she thinks, it is her nature. You could resolve this one issue, but her tendency to "do her own thing" and believe it is non of you business to question it or be kept inform is just the way it is. Today it maybe texting but down the track it could be virtually anything you will find yourself constantly locked out of the loop. Can you cope with that.

It is wrong to go into a relationship hoping that someone is going to change their ways to be more to your liking, or that you will grow to "get used to" some defective aspect. The gap will only widen.

Does she have a history of turbulent relationships that are reported to have ended badly, possibly with her giving you a long list instances of being victim