Realization that dead mother had most likely had BPD and my adult anxiety

[Trying_To_Thrive]

Hi Everyone. I am a 27 year old female that is struggling quite a bit lately.  2 years ago I started my own mental health journey as I realized that my social anxiety had gotten so bad that I was very isolated and lonely.  I went through a php program and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder.  During this program we started unpacking where my anxiety and low self esteem stemmed from and realized that my mother, who died 4 years ago, may have had BPD. (She refused to ever get help for her mental health, because she never saw a problem with her behavior)  I am now 27 and have very few friends as I have realized that my low confidence keeps bringing me back to crappy people that treat me poorly. I have never really dated either because I struggle to think that I could ever be a good partner or a good mother in the future.  I fear that I will never get my confidence together and I will just keep choosing icky toxic people to be friends with. 

I am moving out in a couple of months  and I am terrified.  I want the independence of being out on my own, and I have never had trouble getting along with people, I am just more worried of being taken advantage of.  I am still struggling to find a balance between being agreeable, but not being so aggressive as to pick fights like my parents did.  I am very sensitive and I wish I wasn't like this. 

Does anyone have any advice or hope that things can improve from where I am, I am really scared and sad at this point.  I want a calm future with financial stability and healthy friendships and companionship, but right now that seems very unattainable.  Any advice would help.  Thank you for reading!

[cranmango]

Hi there TTT, and welcome to the boards! There are a lot of great folks here with a lot of wisdom and resources to share. I just wanted to quickly chime in and say that you aren't alone.

I was raised by a fathers with strong BPD/NPD traits. And for the last few years I was in a stormy relationship with a partner who also has strong BPD/NPD traits. I've been in therapy for a while, but it's only recently that I've started to put some of the big pieces together. I've realized how much my early experiences with my dad instilled shame in me, and how I was then drawn to relationships that had a similar dynamic--icky toxic people, as you say. It's been a really hard process to go through.

The upside is that I feel a lot more clearheaded now. I can make sense of some of these broader patterns in my life, and I am getting a handle on what kind of partner I want to be, and what kind of partner I want to be with. I've been coming to these boards daily for the past year or so, and it's been a lifeline. Reading the stories of others and seeing the parallels with my own has taught me that I am not alone in the universe.

The insights that you've gotten from your program about your mother's influence sound really powerful. It's a lot to unpack, and it's heavy stuff. Share anything you feel like sharing, and know that the many good folks here will be reading. You're in the right place.

[Mommydoc]

Welcome Trying_To_Thrive, this is a great place to seek support and insights from others who are and have experienced similar dysfunction in our FOO.  Congratulations on your journey to date.  It sounds like a lot and each change will bring a new set of opportunities for you to learn about yourself and to grow.  Moving out is huge!  Congratulations on that decision.  Keep us informed as you work through things. 

My pwBPD is my sister not my mother, so it is different, but I understand the part about being overly agreeable to the point of being taken advantage of.   It is a fine balance.  One of my favorite authors/ researchers,  Kristin Neff, writes about Fierce self compassion, that helped me understand the yin and yang of self compassion, the balance between kindness, nurturing energy with fierce self compassion, which assures we protect ourselves and our needs and take the right actions to support ourselves.   

It is a journey, and your plan for independence by moving out is a huge step! Congratulations!   Being in therapy and joining this forum are also very positive actions you are doing for yourself.  You deserve to be happy.

[livednlearned]

I have realized that my low confidence keeps bringing me back to crappy people that treat me poorly. I have never really dated either because I struggle to think that I could ever be a good partner or a good mother in the future.  I fear that I will never get my confidence together and I will just keep choosing icky toxic people to be friends with.

 

I really wish I had been wise enough to see this at 27 like you are. What a gift to have this knowledge and the courage to ask for guidance.

I am still struggling to find a balance between being agreeable, but not being so aggressive as to pick fights like my parents did.

This sounds like a boundaries thing. It seems to me like every person on this site trying to cope with BPD relationship-trauma struggles with how to effectively enforce assertive boundaries. Not surprising given the pathology that goes with BPD and not having a clear sense of self (trying to fuse and merge with people).

I am very sensitive and I wish I wasn't like this.

If it's ok to ask, in what ways do you feel sensitive? Do you mean sensitive as in emotional reactivity? Or is it possible that you are a fully feeling person who has had bad experiences with friends who were toxic ... I've had partners in the past who said I was sensitive but in retrospect, they were abusive and made me doubt whether I was over-reacting when I wasn't.

Does anyone have any advice or hope that things can improve from where I am, I am really scared and sad at this point.  I want a calm future with financial stability and healthy friendships and companionship, but right now that seems very unattainable.  Any advice would help. 

This board is a great place to work things out. So many of us get it.

One book that helped me identify a pattern in my own string of toxic relationships is In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People . For some reason, this book put a lot of things into perspective in a way I could apply with questionable relationships in my life. It's not a book about boundaries exactly but it kind of worked that way for me. I felt like I was often getting suckered by people that others knew were trouble. I do take a few extra beats to pick up on dysfunctional people but there is now a well-lit path out before I get too badly turned around.

I'm so surprised how things just kept getting better once I realized there was a problem and found people to help me, and that didn't happen until I was in my late 30s. I had been so guarded and shut down and even though on the outside you would think I had a good life, it was anything but (married to someone with BPD).

I'm glad you posted here. There are a lot of wonderful people here willing to walk alongside you and chime in to share what worked/helped.