I have realized that my low confidence keeps bringing me back to crappy people that treat me poorly. I have never really dated either because I struggle to think that I could ever be a good partner or a good mother in the future. I fear that I will never get my confidence together and I will just keep choosing icky toxic people to be friends with.
I really wish I had been wise enough to see this at 27 like you are. What a gift to have this knowledge and the courage to ask for guidance.
I am still struggling to find a balance between being agreeable, but not being so aggressive as to pick fights like my parents did.
This sounds like a boundaries thing. It seems to me like every person on this site trying to cope with BPD relationship-trauma struggles with how to effectively enforce assertive boundaries. Not surprising given the pathology that goes with BPD and not having a clear sense of self (trying to fuse and merge with people).
I am very sensitive and I wish I wasn't like this.
If it's ok to ask, in what ways do you feel sensitive? Do you mean sensitive as in emotional reactivity? Or is it possible that you are a fully feeling person who has had bad experiences with friends who were toxic ... I've had partners in the past who said I was sensitive but in retrospect, they were abusive and made me doubt whether I was over-reacting when I wasn't.
Does anyone have any advice or hope that things can improve from where I am, I am really scared and sad at this point. I want a calm future with financial stability and healthy friendships and companionship, but right now that seems very unattainable. Any advice would help.
This board is a great place to work things out. So many of us get it.
One book that helped me identify a pattern in my own string of toxic relationships is In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People . For some reason, this book put a lot of things into perspective in a way I could apply with questionable relationships in my life. It's not a book about boundaries exactly but it kind of worked that way for me. I felt like I was often getting suckered by people that others knew were trouble. I do take a few extra beats to pick up on dysfunctional people but there is now a well-lit path out before I get too badly turned around.
I'm so surprised how things just kept getting better once I realized there was a problem and found people to help me, and that didn't happen until I was in my late 30s. I had been so guarded and shut down and even though on the outside you would think I had a good life, it was anything but (married to someone with BPD).
I'm glad you posted here. There are a lot of wonderful people here willing to walk alongside you and chime in to share what worked/helped.