First Post - How to end stalemate with raging uBPD mother with dementia

[Lalisa]

I would really appreciate some advice. How do I break a stalemate with my uPBD mother without it being interpreted as ‘giving in’ or enabling her abusive behaviour? I am not ready to go NC. She has also been diagnosed with dementia, lives alone in an isolated spot, doesn’t drive, and is totally dependent on me.

About 4 weeks ago, she became passive aggressive and started giving me the silent treatment when I phoned her. As usual, this came completely from nowhere as she had been quite manic and in upbeat mood prior to that ( she is diagnosed bipolar). I stayed calm on the phone and told her as she didn’t seem to feel like talking, I would call another time. I then called her a few days later and said that I was going on a meditation retreat and my phone would be off and she could ring my husband if she had any issues. She reacted in a hostile tone which was no surprise as it was coming up to a bank holiday weekend and any holiday is a major trigger for her rage and dependence on me. 
When I returned from the retreat, I called her and she was full of rage, accusing me of “leaving her on her own all weekend” . I tried to stay calm and said to her that I would not phone her if she could not be civil . I added that she could ring me anytime if she could be civil. She did not call.  Anyway to cut a long story short the next few times I saw her were to take her to psychiatric appointments as she was threatening to overdose. Her rage continued and culminated in her physically attacking me while I was driving and trying to grab the steering wheel to crash the car ‘to kill us both’.
I am badly shaken after this and finally feel ready to establish permanent boundaries. I am reading ‘How to Stop Caretaking the Borderline’ and finding it very helpful. The advice I need, is where do I go from here? We are not ringing each other (usually speak every other day). Do I wait for her to ring me? If she rings me and acts like nothing every happened, do I play along (this is the usual course of events). Would really appreciate any advice.

[livednlearned]

I would be shook, too, if someone grabbed the steering wheel. I'm glad you're ok!

This may not be helpful because it's a bit weird, but I wonder if you might be able to reframe the phone calls filled with silence?

My stepdaughter (26) has BPD. When she lived with us, I noticed she would call a woman who had Down's syndrome just to be on the phone, even if it was total silence. This could go on for 20 minutes.

SD26 has nearly zero tolerance for being alone. The woman who had Down's syndrome was part of a "big buddy" program and SD26 would call her daily, I think to avoid being alone, but it was under the auspices of offering friendship. It was an odd relationship but it kinda worked. I'm not sure who was helping who more.

How would you feel about calling your mom, putting her on speaker phone, setting a timer and just ... puttering around? That's if she's silent.

If she rages, the agreement might be, "I'll stay on with you if you can be nice. If you're not, I'll hang up and we can pick things up tomorrow."

And if you have days where it's too darn hard to connect, then don't.

She's going to have mood swings and fits of rage regardless of what you do. This is more about reframing the way you engage her swings that doesn't drive you around the bend.

I understand how the silent treatment can be abusive. It used to skewer me inside and make me feel invisible. Now I look at it like "this person is recalibrating, good." It took me years to get there and it wasn't my mother, which is a much harder relationship imo.

Do you have plans for how to transport her after this latest incident?

[Lalisa]

Thanks for your kind reply @livednlearned

In answer to your question about the phone calls, I ring her mainly, When she picks up and hears my voice, she just say hello in what I hear as an angry voice. She gives yes/no answers and sounds very hostile to me, making angry, sighing sounds and sarcastic comments . Then there is silence, If I ask her if she is okay, there is often a very aggressive reaction which seems directed at me. I guess I'm bringing history into the present, because since I was very little, she blamed me for her mood swings and depression.

I have asked my uncle/her brother to help with transport for the next while and there is a taxi service she can ring. There still seems to be indecsion whether she has dementia or not. Often, she just gives up doing things. For instance, she has not washed a cup or swept the floor in about a decade. She is 74 now. We do have a homecare person who vists 4 days a week and meals are delivered to her.

[Methuen]

the next few times I saw her were to take her to psychiatric appointments as she was threatening to overdose. Her rage continued and culminated in her physically attacking me while I was driving and trying to grab the steering wheel to crash the car ‘to kill us both’.
...The advice I need, is where do I go from here? We are not ringing each other (usually speak every other day). Do I wait for her to ring me? If she rings me and acts like nothing every happened, do I play along (this is the usual course of events). Would really appreciate any advice.

First Lalisa, let me say that being her only caretaker seems like too much to ask of anyone.
 I'm relieved that she has psychiatric records on file.  Whether it feels like it or not, you are responding well to her communications.  I'm glad she accepts home care.  My mom won't accept home care, and cancels it, so the fact that your mom accepts it is a real positive.

I am so sorry she pulled on your steering wheel.  That is grounds for a hard boundary.  I think that would scare anyone... Were you able to report it to her psych doctor, or any other health professional who cares for her? I'm not sure if it's appropriate to report it to the police, but to me, that is an attempted assault, or worse.  I can't help but wonder if possible dementia is amplifying her other problems, so she is even less equipped to inhibit her "feeling impulses"?
Once she's demonstrated she's willing to put your personal safety at risk, you shouldn't feel obligated to transport her anymore. Period.  And I wouldn't "hide" what happened with anyone.  This behavior is no longer covert.  So much of what borderlines do is covert, mind games, intimidation, bullying, and hard to prove.  But pulling on the steering wheel while saying "to kill us both" is overt. She is an adult, and capable of finding her own sources of support, including her brother, taxi... If she pulls on their steering wheels too...

The next time you call her, if we uses her angry voice, yes/no answers and hostility again, I would say: "Mom, it appears you aren't enjoying my phone calls.  I'll be happy to talk to you again when you are feeling better but right now my phone calls don't seem to be helping you.  Please let me know when you feel like being friendly with me again, and we can talk again then" or something like that.  Then give her time and space to self-soothe.  Don't doubt yourself. Notice that you are leaving the ball in her court to let you know when she is ready to be friendly.  If she doesn't contact you, that is her choice.  You cannot change her or control her, but you've stated your boundary.  She will come around when she needs you...

All we can do is look after ourselves, because our inner child is grieving.  How do you take care of you?

[Turkish]

Lalisa,

This is more to deal with than you can do by yourself. There are resources to help in real life. If you're in the USA, every county in all states has Adult Protective Services with trained social workers who can deal with this by training. Additionally, they know the legal issues to navigate. For example, my mom's APS worker was both trained and legally shielded when my mother stated making accusations against me of Elder Abuse (imprisonment, theft).

Can you look up the number for APS in your county and reach out? The call would be anonymous and just to give you support and options initially.

I would also second that you should never drive with her again. She put you both in extreme danger. That's on her, not you.

I felt guilty beyond belief, but the social worker was very kind, even though she was legally my mother's advocate (she went to the bank to investigate my mother's accusations that i stole her money). Sad to say, I gleaned that our stories aren't rare, and they're trained to deal with these situations.

[Lalisa]

First Lalisa, let me say that being her only caretaker seems like too much to ask of anyone.
 I'm relieved that she has psychiatric records on file.  Whether it feels like it or not, you are responding well to her communications.  I'm glad she accepts home care.  My mom won't accept home care, and cancels it, so the fact that your mom accepts it is a real positive.

I am so sorry she pulled on your steering wheel.  That is grounds for a hard boundary.  I think that would scare anyone... Were you able to report it to her psych doctor, or any other health professional who cares for her? I'm not sure if it's appropriate to report it to the police, but to me, that is an attempted assault, or worse.  I can't help but wonder if possible dementia is amplifying her other problems, so she is even less equipped to inhibit her "feeling impulses"?
Once she's demonstrated she's willing to put your personal safety at risk, you shouldn't feel obligated to transport her anymore. Period.  And I wouldn't "hide" what happened with anyone.  This behavior is no longer covert.  So much of what borderlines do is covert, mind games, intimidation, bullying, and hard to prove.  But pulling on the steering wheel while saying "to kill us both" is overt. She is an adult, and capable of finding her own sources of support, including her brother, taxi... If she pulls on their steering wheels too...

The next time you call her, if we uses her angry voice, yes/no answers and hostility again, I would say: "Mom, it appears you aren't enjoying my phone calls.  I'll be happy to talk to you again when you are feeling better but right now my phone calls don't seem to be helping you.  Please let me know when you feel like being friendly with me again, and we can talk again then" or something like that.  Then give her time and space to self-soothe.  Don't doubt yourself. Notice that you are leaving the ball in her court to let you know when she is ready to be friendly.  If she doesn't contact you, that is her choice.  You cannot change her or control her, but you've stated your boundary.  She will come around when she needs you...

All we can do is look after ourselves, because our inner child is grieving.  How do you take care of you?

[Lalisa]

Thank you so much all of you for your empathy and advice .

@Turkish I am not based in the US, I'm in Europe. I did report the incident to her pysch service and said I would no longer be on hand to bring her to their day clinic. They didn't show any reaction, just said they would file the incident.My husband rang my brother ( who she has a frought relationship with and told him what happened and that I need a break) .  I get paranoid that people don't believe me.

@Methuen your advice on how to handle the call is really useful. Do you think I should make the first move to ring here and break the stalemate and should I refer to the car incident and recent behaviour or just move on? My heart is aching with the sense of fear , guilt and obligation. I am ready to make real boundries and  will refuse to drive he anymore but I do want her in my life and my children's lives. I do not have any living siblings as my brother died 10 years ago.

[Notwendy]

I didn't choose NC with my elderly mother. Like many of us here, it's a difficult balance to hold some contact while having boundaries. I now think it is balancing- we wobble in one direction or the other- too much, too little, but try to stay in between rather than getting it just right. I also think it changes. At the moment my BPD mother is having more issues and it is taking up more time than when she having less. I am not her primary caretaker and don't live near her, but have been visiting and talking on the phone to her more than usual.

We moved her to assisted living with the hope she would manage and it's obvious that she can't manage herself, at all. She's in skilled nursing rehab at the moment.  Even the attention she receives there isn't enough for her emotionally. If she wants something, to her, it needs to be immediate she pushes the nurse button over and over until they come.

The combination of mental decline and BPD is a challenge. At first, I thought it was just BPD, but now, I think she's got some mental decline- age related- not dementia but combined with her emotionally based thinking - it's hard to know what she understands. She also claims they aren't doing anything for her there.

One conversation we had- she has asthma and said she was going to call her doctor for a refill for her inhaler because they don't have one for her.  I told her to just ask the nursing staff- they have a doctor they can call for a prescription. She didn't seem to understand that, even when I explained. Then the nurse walked in and I mentioned it to her. The nurse said "we have it here and bring it to her when she needs it".

But my mother doesn't feel like they are doing anything for her and so maintains they aren't. Is it BPD that she believes they don't have an inhaler and she has to call her doctor for one, or does she not remember that they have it right there? I don't really know.

There's no way to know what your mother is actually reacting to. With BPD, sometimes feelings are facts, and with dementia- she might not really remember something. One thing that has helped me is to not take what she says and does as personally and to not be emotionally reactive to her. This isn't easy, mine can still say things that I will cry when she does. It's a sad combination- as she does need emotional support, and looks to me for that now, and yet, she can be cruel and emotionally abusive.

A wise person recommended I call her regularly- set the schedule. If it's been every other day for you then stay with that. If she's grumpy or doesn't want to talk, then that's how she is. There have been times when my mother didn't want to talk. Then, with your schedule in mind, gently say "OK this sounds like it's not a good time, I'll call you on Tuesday ( or whatever day is next) and then hang up. With this, she knows that you will call her on a certain day.

I don't expect that what I do would be enough for my mother. She doesn't feel as if anything is enough. I can't change that.

For boundaries though, one has to consider safety. What your mother has shown you is that it isn't safe to drive with her. Your boundary- to not drive with a passenger who does dangerous things in the car isn't just with her- if someone grabbed the wheel, you'd not drive them again. This is a safety issue- I don't know what resources you have in Europe. In the US I might call social services or her doctor to see what kind of transportation is available for people in her situation.

[Methuen]

Do you think I should make the first move to ring here and break the stalemate and should I refer to the car incident and recent behaviour or just move on? My heart is aching with the sense of fear , guilt and obligation. I am ready to make real boundries and  will refuse to drive he anymore but I do want her in my life and my children's lives. I do not have any living siblings as my brother died 10 years ago.

Like everything, it depends. I don't know your mom, so offering advice would be dangerous. Be guided by what is best for you, not her.

I can only tell you what I would do with my mom in this situation. Your mom is a completely different person, so my approach might be the wrong approach completely for a different person.  

If this were me, I would never drive her again.  That is for my safety.  Your husband told your uncle you needed "a break".  That communicated that once you've had a break, you will continue driving her again, so if you aren't prepared to do that (you mention you will refuse to drive her anymore), another conversation might be needed around that with the uncle.  Your mom is capable of making her own plan if you aren't driving her.  You can't fix this for her.  (She would probably react to any plan you make anyways).  But rather than tell her that outright (bringing on another fit of rage), if she brings it up, you could ask validating questions, or use motivational interviewing techniques (something I learned about from another member on this site). You can google MI if you are interested.  Information about asking validating questions is on this website.  

Sometimes what will work best in a situation is a matter of trial and error.  In my experience, after an emotional dysregulation, my mom benefits from being given time and space to calm down.  How much time probably depends on the person.  

When the conversation happens, a lot of us here use BIFF (brief informative firm friendly).  The example I gave you was a BIFF statement.  The point of brief is to not give them anything to react to, or argue with, or draw you back in with, but the BIFF statement also sets a safe boundary for you while still being friendly/calm.  If you bring up the steering wheel incident at the same time, you might be dangling something for her to react to.  If this were my mom, I would keep it simple for now, and stick to the script, and save the steering wheel incident for possibly another time when she's not still recovering from a dysregulation.  Too much information at once will overwhelm her.

As for who initiates the call, I think it could go either way, but be guided by your own state of wellness.  If you are feeling pretty good and solid, and you want to initiate to get it done, go for it.  But if you are struggling yourself and feeling terrible, it might not be the best time to call her whilst you are feeling vulnerable yourself.  If she calls you, then use your BIFF statement.  If she starts in on something and you can tell her engine is starting to run away or she's blaming you or throwing darts to engage in drama, calmly tell her you have to go now, but can talk again when she is feeling better, say something like "talk to you later" after the BIFF statement, and hang up if it comes to that. If she calls back, don't answer the phone.  Remember, we have to enforce our boundaries. It's pretty similar to enforcing a boundary with a toddler.

Every now and then a member will say their mother acknowledged or even apologized.  This always surprises me.  My mother has never acknowledged or apologized.  She doesn't have the capacity.

I don't drive my mom anymore either.  Not because she took control of the steering wheel, but for other reasons (I am small and it's not safe for me to be responsible to hold her up if she falls down. I've been blamed for her falls and pain in the past, even when I haven't been there.  Also, I can't lift her wheelchair in and out of the vehicle for a number of reasons).  My H stepped up and does the driving to appointments now, as well as one friend she pays.  My H is semi-retired.

Lastly you mentioned struggling with the fear, obligation and guilt.  I used to be pretty enmeshed with my mom (back when I was in the dark and thinking she was normal). What has helped me the most with FOG is detaching emotionally.  So I still have contact with her.  I will visit with my H when I feel up to it.  On the rare occasions when I am brave enough to visit by myself, I go with an ice cream cone (which she loves) or a puzzle to disarm her.  But what I have worked hard at is detaching emotionally.  She's a person like any other person, but she's my mother in name only.  She wasn't really a mother to me because I don't feel safe, and I no longer have those expectations.  So I don't share anything personal with her anymore, just like I wouldn't share anything personal with someone I didn't know well.  This has helped me with the guilt.  My H stepping up has also helped me not feel guilty.  He can handle her better.  The idea for H stepping up came from the counsellor we were seeing about my mom.

You know your mom best.  My best advice is to take care of yourself.  This is a monumental task for all of us.

[Lalisa]

Hello, I just wanted to thank you all again for the kind words and advice you have shared with me and to update you on what is happening now.

I decided not to 'end the stalemate' myself and see if Mum would make the first move. She did but is still very cold and hostile.  I have tried to keep to BIFF conversations - being friendly, offering her the opportunity to talk to or see her grandkids  but she has remained aloof. I think she has now decided I am the enemy. It's the first time I have, in my 44 years, put a strong boundry in action by not caving to her demands or abusive behaviour. Some days I'm okay but others, I'm sick to my stomach. I think I fantastised that if I 'did everything right', she might apologise or maybe be friendly. Thankfully, I have a good therapist, a supportive husband, and a meditation practice which are keeping me as well as can be. I am reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline and it is helping but I'm still so confused and feel responsible for her pain and this row. 

We are going on holidays for two weeks from tomorrow. I spoke with her today to remind her - as usual there were no well wishes from her ( holidays have always been a major trigger for her fear of abandonment). Anyway, sending strength and solidarity to all of you who are coping with a BPD family member or partner, my heart goes out to you all.

[Methuen]

Thanks for the update Lalisa.  You are doing well.  Just keep your boundary and staying in your lane.  She will eventually come around because she is dependent on you.  Do not blink first, or all the good work you’ve done so far will be lost. 

Enjoy your holiday.  I’m on a short one myself and it’s very restorative.  Enjoy being in the moment!

[Lalisa]

Thank you so much Methuen.

Would you believe, after I posted my last post, I received a second phone call that day from my Mum. I was wary answering it as I worried she would be looking for a fight but decided to answer anyway. To my astonishment, when I answered, she said that she was just ringing to wish us a nice holiday.

!

I thanked her and said it meant a lot to me that that she rang to say that. And then I told her that I loved her and always will, and that I will see her when we return from holidays.

I'm a little in shock. Relieved this current 'war' seems to be easing and feeling hopeful, it is some kind of turning point for me to be stronger in my boundries and to ask for help in her care.

Thanks again everyone for the messages and sending you all empathy and hope. xxx

[Notwendy]

You handled this well. It's possible she could become upset again later but with her having dementia, a good moment is a good thing. I'm also treading lightly with my BPD mother due to her age and situation.  I mostly just go along with things ( while keeping boundaries). I don't want to have emotionally charged discussions with her.

She rarely says she loves me but I remain very cautious when she's being complimentary and if she says this, it feels very uncomfortable. I don't believe she loves anyone- because she is so overwhelmed with her own emotional distress- there isn't the emotional capability for that. She loves having people meet her emotional needs. This is conditional love. She'll discard the relationship in an instant when it doesn't serve her.

She did say this and then asked me to tell her I loved her. That was difficult for me to sort out. There's the kind of treat others as you would want to be treated" love and "love your neighbor" kind of love. But if your neighbor was a convicted criminal, you could wish them well but you'd also keep your door locked. It's said that love is a verb. I try to act in kind ways towards her but also feel the need to be guarded.

I am glad for you that you can say this to your mother.

[Mommydoc]

Great job Lalisa! So glad you had the courage to post and got such great advice here. You handled the boundary setting well. It’s an amazing ( and always temporary) feeling, when we set a boundary successfully, and give them time to burn through their rage on their own and come out the other side. I am so happy to hear how it played out.

Relieved this current 'war' seems to be easing and feeling hopeful, it is some kind of turning point for me to be stronger in my boundries and to ask for help in her care.

You have achieved such an important turning point in setting boundaries. It will hopefully be just a little easier the next time you need to do so, because you are more confident in your ability to set and hold boundaries. It is important that you commit to your own safety. I agree with Methuen that rather than taking a break, you consider not driving her as a permanent boundary. The challenge we all face, is not getting too “Hopeful” that our family member wBPD has changed, because they rarely do. They may back off, not react, act in a loving way, but it is usually temporary. How your mother feels will drive future behaviors and she will likely rage again. You are prepared and ready. You have changed, which is where  progress is made. Most importantly, you have also realized you are not alone. You can post here for support and you can ask others to be involved. You don’t have to be a superhero and solve for every downturn of your mothers emotions. Welcome to the community.

[So Stressed]

Hi Lalisa and welcome!  I have found comfort here in this forum while dealing with my uBPD mother.   You mentioned reading "How to Stop Caretaking the Borderline."  Is that a book or a resource you found here?  I think it would be helpful for me.

The responsibility of caretaking my borderline Mom has been removed from me. I was her primary family contact for almost 20 years, but recently Mom and my sibling decided that I was not doing a good enough job, so she was moved to another city where my sibling can take over.  My friends have all told me that this is best for me, and, in my heart, I know that to be true.  However, despite how completely challenging and abusive she was to me, I do love her and will miss her. She's been gone for almost a week, and it is amazing how much time I have now.  I realize that I was thinking about her when I went to bed, and she was my first thought in the morning when I woke up, and depending on her state of mind, my day unfolded in a state of fear or anticipating fear.

The reason that my family decided that I was not doing a good enough job was because I had boundaries and refused to be bullied into taking on more than I could do.  I work full time and was expected to be on call 24/7.  I note that Methuen posted in her response, "First Lalisa, let me say that being her only caretaker seems like too much to ask of anyone."  I have learned that to be true, for sure.

My therapist told me to be a daughter and not the sole caregiver, and I tried to set boundaries around that.  Prior to that, nothing I did was good enough or enough, so when I had boundaries and tried to be just a daughter, that exacerbated the situation. I tried to arrange outside services, such as homecare, etc.  But, no, I was expected to do everything. I could not.   My therapist kept saying that my Mom and sibling would "figure it out."  What they figured out was to have my sibling take over and move Mom 2 states away.  I think it was meant as a punishment for me for not being enough, but now they will need to live with that decision.

I am now trying to heal from the abuse and the more recent hurt of punishing me for doing all that I have done for several years and having it deemed not enough.

[Methuen]

So Stressed, there will be a honeymoon period for your mom and sister.  It will be interesting to see how long it lasts.

I can hear a sense of loss with your mom being moved away, despite everything.  I doubt that feeling would be there if the move away from you to your sister did not come because of their judgement that you "weren't doing enough".  I know of a family where the parent has moved between children, but it is done for reasons of caring for each other, to take turns, to contribute, to participate.  It is remarkable to observe how cooperatively a family can function.  Kinda rare though maybe.

I hope for you that you can move through your grief, and later embrace the new "time" you have to take care of yourself, and do things you like and enjoy, and also discover new interests.

My therapist told me to be a daughter and not the sole caregiver, and I tried to set boundaries around that.

I connected with this big time.  I wonder: "what is being a daughter supposed to be like?  I agree with your T that your mom and sister will "figure it out". 

I am now trying to heal from the abuse and the more recent hurt of punishing me for doing all that I have done for several years and having it deemed not enough.

This is so difficult.  I feel for you. I really do.  I just want to say that what you did was most definitely enough, and you did it under very difficult circumstances.  Let us know how your journey forward is progressing, as you slowly work to get back your own life.