i moved your thread here, not to suggest one way or another that you stay or go, but because its the best place to start in choosing a path.
Does anyone else out there struggle with obsessive thinking, not just within the BPD relationship, but in general? Or OCD?
yes. youre in good company
. i didnt know anything about bpd until after my relationship ended. its valuable to have that.
i would strongly agree with you when it comes to that "need to be understood". i would venture to guess that it was a part of what attracted you to her in the first place.
we all have a need to be understood. to be seen, heard, validated, appreciated, connected. i realized some time after my relationship that i probably had a higher than average need for it. i realized it colored the types of partners i chose, or really connected with. i realized it effected how i dealt with conflict, how i saw myself, how i saw myself in relation to others, my perception of how others saw me. it certainly played a role in my relationship, and the aftermath.
mirroring is a term that is thrown around a lot, frequently incorrectly, and frequently as a pejorative. mirroring is a good thing, in general. it is essential for bonding.
a higher than average need to be understood might also be thought of as a higher than average need for mirroring - a need that people with bpd traits are unconsciously drawn to, and especially adept at meeting. at first. until they cant, and until they resent first themselves, and then you
for making them. this is the fear of engulfment.
you dont have to have a higher than average need to be understood to be involved in this dynamic (and if you do, it is a thing, neither good nor bad). but i say all of this because if this is you, at all, then a focus on it will help you incalculably, whether you decide to invest in your relationship, or detach from it.
which sort of brings me to my next point. obviously, you dont have to do so today, but it will ultimately help to choose a path, and be
all in. you are not likely to see improvement in your relationship without a complete and total reinvestment (which you shouldnt make without both a hard and realistic assessment of the relationship itself, and loving someone with bpd traits). once you commit to one or the other, it is easier to plan what that looks like.
it will also help to learn the tools on this board. i learned them years after my breakup, and they improved all of my relationships, of all kinds.
one thing you may want to consider, if you arent already, that would help in choosing and staying on a path would be to see a therapist yourself.
some people are naturally and highly distrustful of therapy and therapists. and/or afraid. anyone with a "problem" (addiction, mental illness) has an inherently difficult time seeing themselves, seeing "the problem". it seems short of a "im leaving if you dont" ultimatum, youre unlikely to talk her into joint therapy for now. in fact (and im no skeptic of couples therapy or family therapy) it could even go very badly, for a variety of reasons, if you did.
if you go by yourself, it will not only help you, but it could make her more likely to go herself. be advised, however, that doing so may cause a rift itself. she may be self conscious or fearful of what youre saying to the therapist, or what theyre saying to you. she may notice change in you, and become hypervigilant about it, and test the attachment by acting out. thats not to discourage you from doing it, but to recognize it when and if it happens.
something I did (or didn't do) to make her feel "unsafe".
when someone with bpd traits actually communicates "i feel ______", take it at face value. not necessarily because you did or didnt do something in particular. but because a "clear" communication of feelings and/or needs is harder to come by than the usual dysfunctional methods. part of loving someone with bpd traits means learning to sift through the verbal storms for the underlying emotion or need. of course, people with bpd traits naturally and pathologically "feel unsafe", but believe it or not, it is
possible (not guaranteed) to build greater trust and safety in a relationship with one!
so for example, take her at face value that the idea of going to couples therapy (and i assume therapy in general) makes her feel unsafe. she will point to any reason she needs to validate that fear. its not likely to change unless that feeling/fear does. '
I have brought up BPD for her in the past and I think I am mostly glad I have
...
I think she also easily latches on to me being a narcissist
well, you did kinda start it
this is part of the peril in telling a loved one you think they have a personality disorder. because inevitably, it can become a stand in for the conflict in the relationship, and polarize both parties: "you have a problem that needs help", "no, you have a problem that needs help", except that it includes "wait a minute, you think its me? so
this" is how you really feel about me?"
she latches onto it because its a sore spot for you, and its a sore spot for her. your reaction probably comes from that need to be understood (or feeling misunderstood). and that reaction validates and/or soothes her.
1. What do you all think about the level of intentionality behind the projections and twisting? It all seems so perfectly designed and executed and yet...I don't believe she is (at least mostly) aware she is doing it. It is as though there are two minds operating. One that highjacks the other while dosing the other with a serum with multiple actions: selective amnesia, rationalization (essentially changing one's beliefs on the turn of a dime), and a collaging of facts to fabricate a story where the projected upon other is doing the very things she is... It is torture to the other. I understand the need for defense mechanism—where they come from and how they once truly kept her safe—but why, oh why, must they be so intricately tortuous to the other?
you may have heard it said, something like "people with bpd traits have emotional 3rd degree burns".
while there is not a definitive answer (there may be several different answers, or none, depending on which thing you take), think about what that entails. incredible sensitivity and reactivity (emotional pain and the need to unload it against the perceived cause). if youre in that state though, youre
highly emotionally aroused. i always thought that sort of explained why my ex wouldnt remember some of the awful things she said or did. it could explain the lack of coherency, the jumping every which direction. emotional dysregulating is like emotionally blacking out.
as for those awful things? people with bpd traits are pretty good about knowing what your absolute limits are, coming right up to them, maybe kicking something over the edge, maybe kicking the edge itself back, but they are pretty good about not fully crossing them. when you have the sort of relationship that is necessary in order for it to thrive, when you have trust, safety, validation and support,
as much as you can realistically and consistently have these things because your partner will always struggle, its easier for both parties to agree to put certain things in the "never" category. even in my own relationship, we managed to do that on a few things.
