Need a Woman's Input Please (urgent)

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I basically did my Zoom in my room, bed in view, mistake #1, that's a no go, I've gotta fix that somehow. Also, when I brought something up to her once, I realized she felt insecure about her attractiveness, this was my own issue about worrying about being delusional at the time by finding a woman attractive that I found nothing attractive about, in a derpy way, shouldn't be an issue, forgot about it, which means she has self esteem issues. Mistake 2#, I bragged about being actualized and seemed nonchalant about it, this caused her to sense my confidence, mistake #4, I talked about how I'll stand up to women, and won't put up with stuff, and that it's not even good for women. She ends the appointment all excited sounding, this is bad for me. I think I turned her on, argh.

Anyone know how to turn her off without completely submitting myself? My plan here is to act professional, and treat her like an equal, to not lay on too many compliments, to not brag, get my damned bed out of view, she seems smart, which should help me through the logic of some of it without feeling gaslit, and alone in it. I wanted to give her credit for her intelligence, and some agreement with some things she said, that I missed before. Also I want to assert myself only as far as I need to. She seems to want a voice in this relationship, but I can't compromise myself to do it. I need to find a place for her to have a voice, it might help her feel like an equal, and less dominated.

Another thing is, I don't feel 100% comfortable crying around her, I know it needs to be done, but I need to warm up to it more, as I am just learning to cry again for myself, I might end appointments early if it's too much, or if I just want to be alone with it. Another thing is I only want to connect to her with my friends Mom (questionable? as it was nearly romantic), my friend, and the friend who lived with him (for now), and my Dad, Sister, Neighbors, and maybe Mom eventually, if I need that. This way it's all non sexual. Also, I guess I need her help with advice/support on some of my issues, like agoraphobia, and anxiety, and maybe she can push me a bit out in the world, when I am ready to be pushed, which isn't now.

I dunno, I feel pretty nervous about it, argh! Does my plan sound pretty good? Any input?

[NarcsEverywhere]

So, I basically did my Zoom in my room, bed in view, mistake #1, that's a no go, I've gotta fix that somehow. Also, when I brought something up to her once, I realized she felt insecure about her attractiveness, this was my own issue about worrying about being delusional at the time by finding a woman attractive that I found nothing attractive about, in a derpy way, shouldn't be an issue, forgot about it, which means she has self esteem issues. Mistake 2#, I bragged about being actualized and seemed nonchalant about it, this caused her to sense my confidence, mistake #4, I talked about how I'll stand up to women, and won't put up with stuff, and that it's not even good for women. She ends the appointment all excited sounding, this is bad for me. I think I turned her on, argh.

Anyone know how to turn her off without completely submitting myself? My plan here is to act professional, and treat her like an equal, to not lay on too many compliments, to not brag, get my damned bed out of view, she seems smart, which should help me through the logic of some of it without feeling gaslit, and alone in it. I wanted to give her credit for her intelligence, and some agreement with some things she said, that I missed before. Also I want to assert myself only as far as I need to. She seems to want a voice in this relationship, but I can't compromise myself to do it. I need to find a place for her to have a voice, it might help her feel like an equal, and less dominated.

Another thing is, I don't feel 100% comfortable crying around her, I know it needs to be done, but I need to warm up to it more, as I am just learning to cry again for myself, I might end appointments early if it's too much, or if I just want to be alone with it. Another thing is I only want to connect to her with my friends Mom (questionable? as it was nearly romantic), my friend, and the friend who lived with him (for now), and my Dad, Sister, Neighbors, and maybe Mom eventually, if I need that. This way it's all non sexual. Also, I guess I need her help with advice/support on some of my issues, like agoraphobia, and anxiety, and maybe she can push me a bit out in the world, when I am ready to be pushed, which isn't now.

I dunno, I feel pretty nervous about it, argh! Does my plan sound pretty good? Any input?

[Riv3rW0lf]

Are you talking about your new counselor?

Edit : I would recommend the book Silently Seduced.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I mean, I want to be considerate, but I feel like I keep getting disempowered by these women counselors, because they're looking for respect in the workplace, and really they need to not push me right off the bat, when I already feel disempowered by the fact that I have so much trauma, that it can be hard to live the life I want.

Plus she like, got stuff wrong about me, in my book, and since I am going through rapid changes, it's confusing, which I think caused her to feel unsure of herself (since she was the intake lady, and made the judgment on my diagnosis), which caused her to look for more stuff to push me on and that should could figure out about me, that's probably not there.

I actually need her to listen to me, before she starts jumping to conclusions. Argh! This has been my number one problem with people, is all the pushing and assumptions people make before they hear me out. In better times, it's no sweat to have people suggest stuff, or question me a lot, because at the end of the day, I make the decision on what I believe to be true, and my own experience is my own, and it's my life to do what I want with.

Just feel tons of anxiety about it all. Okay, well maybe when I am up to it, I can check into the book.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Yeah, I was, this book is about parents though. I do think I have unresolved issues with my Mom that I need to address, and it's why I've had some posts recently that seemed out of character and hard to reconcile.

[Turkish]

I mean, I want to be considerate, but I feel like I keep getting disempowered by these women counselors, because they're looking for respect in the workplace,

NE, can you see that this might be an assumption based upon your trauma?

I'm the only adopted child (at 2.4 years) of a mother who had issues with men. I basically never had a dad. my ex "demanded" we go into counseling, my initial instinct was to choose a female counselor because I better related with women. I instead chose a male counselor. That's because I wanted to challenge myself, because  screw my ex who sent me to be fixed, much like my BPD mom did when I was 12, and screw my ex, and him, the counselor. I'd show them!

It turned out the best thing I ever did, to get feedback and perspective from an older male which I lacked growing up. Additionally,  he challenged me man to man and provided feedback and perspective even a great female counselor might not have.

My mom, orphaned at 12 and 14 (mom, then dad), and abused and raped by her dad, couldn't trust a male counselor, and she even went through 7 female counselors before she trusted her last one. I don't blame her as I didn't go through what she did, but I can't help but think that she limited herself.

What do you think?

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Turkish,

Sorry your Mom and ex screwed you like that, my Mom put me into counseling and took zero responsibility when I was 13ish, he was a guy and she’d act like a victim, for me saying she needed to give me positivity, it’s funny how early I called out her stuff, yet it never worked, pisses me off.

Anyways I’ve been with male counselors the past 10 years. I am super challenging myself with a woman. Like I know my personality and circumstances are attractive and/ or intimidating to women though, hell they are intimidating to anyone. It’s why people gaslight me. I don’t know how I tell anyone all the crap I’ve dealt with and have stood up to without them feeling like their job is threatened.

But like, my main concern is 3 of the crisis ladies were great and only one guy. My situation requires intelligence and empathy and that’s a lot to ask anyone. If this doesn’t work out, I’m going to ask for the crisis guy who was good, it’s much more comfortable for me, but feels like it might be trading down.

Also feel like I have to hardcore assert myself at the start and that’s another thing that is intimidating, argh, I dunno!

[NarcsEverywhere]

Thanks Riv3rw0lf for the book, I'm actually gonna buy it. I get so sick of suggestions, but I think this is a good suggestion.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thanks Riv3rw0lf for the book, I'm actually gonna buy it. I get so sick of suggestions, but I think this is a good suggestion.

It takes one to know one I guess...

Turkish was actually the one that recommended it to me if I remember right !

It was a huge eye opener for me... Probably saved my marriage... Albeit I realize now that this is never "over and done with" and I still have an awful lot of work to do and internal boundaries to set to not self sabotage myself when it comes to romance, love and flirtation.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well in normal times I’m down for them, these aren’t normal times. But I see what you’re saying. I think my suggestions are born more of codependency and my normal mode of helping others not being possible under this context,  but it’s a fair criticism!

Yeah, I hear you, and wish you luck in that endeavor. I don’t want to self sabotage my life with those things either, I’m exhausted from that one! Actually at the point where I can’t stand it anymore. The more vulnerable the situation and the more you have to lose, the more careful you need to be.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Anyways, I am going to take your criticism to heart and tone down my suggestions!

Also, I will say, I don't expect to change these dynamics between men and women overnight. All I can do is set an example and maybe write a book someday. I think these words on a screen are much more dangerous than people give them credit for. They've gotten me sexually abused, emotionally abused, ruined my life, put me in bad environments, and sabotaged my appointments. I think I need to be wiser about the words I use, and the people I get especially close to. I will say though, that I think I need to bend my rules, since i think rules were made to be broken! So, I think maybe next time, I'll test the women I get especially close to, lie, throw some embarrassing stuff out there, see how she reacts. It's easy to love a guy when he's popular, happens every time. But even on a casual level, the whistles I hear from most women when I am down and out,  is too isolating for me to want to get too close to them. I'm not going to fulfill some childhood fantasy for women, of a dashing, strong guy, sweeping them off their feet, rescuing them, and suffer immensely for it. I want a girl with some balls, like I've got. So I think, I'll stick to my playboy lifestyle, until I find one of those women!

[Riv3rW0lf]

This is not exactly what I meant, but as long as you are finding conclusions and paths that work for you, it's good and alright.

On my end, it's more that I sometimes overfocus on the underlying tension, to the point where I can likely sometimes think there is something, and I start fantasizing about things that could be and lose myself in those fantasies, when, truly, there was nothing to even begin with... Just me looking for a "love rush".