Revelation via Text

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was visiting my parents over the weekend, and during that time I recommended that they block my x on their telephone.  (more on that in a moment)

During the visit, I had my first physical confirmation that my x was seriously mentally ill.

It was almost two years ago that I decided to quit drinking, as I was getting worried about how much I was consuming.  I’m now wondering if there was an unconscious link between the volume I had been consuming, and her emerging symptoms. Anyway, I mentioned that I had quit drinking in an email to my parents.

One day my x approached me in great distress telling me about the deeply offensive text that she had just received from my mother.

She said that my mother had admonished her for not following my lead regarding drinking, and warned her about the health consequences that follow drinking in excess over a long period of time.  

My x accused me of betraying her trust by not only disclosing personal information about her, but also suggesting that she was an alcoholic to my mother.

She was so incensed that she decided to block my mother’s telephone number, and deleted the text.

I was deeply skeptical, as the text seemed very out of character for my mother.  

However, my x would frequently  cudgel me with the Text Incident in many of our ensuing arguments.

Well, I saw the actual content of the text last weekend, and I was stunned.  It was written for both of us, but principally addressed to me.

It was only three sentences long, and my x’s name wasn’t mentioned once.

My mother had congratulated me on my decision to quit drinking.
My mother recommended a book called “Aging Successfully”.
She suggested that making dietary/lifestyle changes at our age would yield positive benefits in old age.

I was amazed, needless to say, as the text was perfectly innocuous, and completely non judgmental, but it had been the subject of many arguments in the last two years.

Now, regarding the suggestion to my parents that they block my x’s cell number, this is the embarrassing Red Flag that I  ignored for the length of our relationship.

She stalked and harassed one of her x’s,  claiming that he owed her money.  She used to do this whenever she was having a bad day and/or she was getting drunk.  Not only did she harass him, but she also harassed all of his family as well over the phone.  

This year I finally confronted her on the matter, and proposed that if she wasn’t meeting with any success in her harrying work after 1000 phone calls, calling one more time probably wasn’t going to tip the scales in her favour.  You can imagine just how warmly that was received.

I hadn’t intervened previously, because I believed her claims, and thought that it was a personal matter…even if I found her method quite distasteful.

Now, however, I no longer have a clue what was fact, or what was a product of her mental illness…about anything regarding our relationship anymore.

[Augustine]

I was visiting my parents over the weekend, and during that time I recommended that they block my x on their telephone.  (more on that in a moment)

During the visit, I had my first physical confirmation that my x was seriously mentally ill.

It was almost two years ago that I decided to quit drinking, as I was getting worried about how much I was consuming.  I’m now wondering if there was an unconscious link between the volume I had been consuming, and her emerging symptoms. Anyway, I mentioned that I had quit drinking in an email to my parents.

One day my x approached me in great distress telling me about the deeply offensive text that she had just received from my mother.

She said that my mother had admonished her for not following my lead regarding drinking, and warned her about the health consequences that follow drinking in excess over a long period of time.  

My x accused me of betraying her trust by not only disclosing personal information about her, but also suggesting that she was an alcoholic to my mother.

She was so incensed that she decided to block my mother’s telephone number, and deleted the text.

I was deeply skeptical, as the text seemed very out of character for my mother.  

However, my x would frequently  cudgel me with the Text Incident in many of our ensuing arguments.

Well, I saw the actual content of the text last weekend, and I was stunned.  It was written for both of us, but principally addressed to me.

It was only three sentences long, and my x’s name wasn’t mentioned once.

My mother had congratulated me on my decision to quit drinking.
My mother recommended a book called “Aging Successfully”.
She suggested that making dietary/lifestyle changes at our age would yield positive benefits in old age.

I was amazed, needless to say, as the text was perfectly innocuous, and completely non judgmental, but it had been the subject of many arguments in the last two years.

Now, regarding the suggestion to my parents that they block my x’s cell number, this is the embarrassing Red Flag that I  ignored for the length of our relationship.

She stalked and harassed one of her x’s,  claiming that he owed her money.  She used to do this whenever she was having a bad day and/or she was getting drunk.  Not only did she harass him, but she also harassed all of his family as well over the phone.  

This year I finally confronted her on the matter, and proposed that if she wasn’t meeting with any success in her harrying work after 1000 phone calls, calling one more time probably wasn’t going to tip the scales in her favour.  You can imagine just how warmly that was received.

I hadn’t intervened previously, because I believed her claims, and thought that it was a personal matter…even if I found her method quite distasteful.

Now, however, I no longer have a clue what was fact, or what was a product of her mental illness…about anything regarding our relationship anymore.

[zondolit]

Hi Augustine,

I just want to say I resonate with your experience. I am continually flabbergasted at how my stbx can take things out of context and select certain facts to build a story that is often exactly counter to the spirit of what actually happened. And the worst part is, over and over again I've fallen for this. I see others falling for it too, which is both validating and infuriating and sad.

[Augustine]

Hi Augustine,

I just want to say I resonate with your experience. I am continually flabbergasted at how my stbx can take things out of context and select certain facts to build a story that is often exactly counter to the spirit of what actually happened. And the worst part is, over and over again I've fallen for this. I see others falling for it too, which is both validating and infuriating and sad.

To have bona fide evidence of the paranoid ideation staring at me in the face-years after the fact-is both shocking, and like a mouthful of the most delectable dessert I’ve ever tasted.

If I’m completely honest with myself, there is little question in my mind that I began emotionally separating from her around this time when her symptoms went from chronic to acute.  

When I look back on the last year, I entered a fugue-like state in order to cope with the paranoid ideation, suicidal ideation, and the rest of the BPD smorgasbord.  

I felt like a marionette in the last few months, and I had been operating counter to my instincts that were screaming at me for the last two years to run like mad.  

Unfortunately, it’s clear to me that the years of mayhem have scrambled my brains a bit, and resuming a normal life again is still months in the making.