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Author Topic: Trying therapy together  (Read 443 times)
thumbsup
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1


« on: September 17, 2023, 05:04:29 AM »

Hi! My mom has BPD that came out as verbal abuse in the past year of wedding planning (married three months now!). I thought it had never come out like that at me before, but once it was in my face, I’ve had to process a lot regularly in individual therapy and realize SO much of our family is not normal. (I’ve been in individual therapy regularly for about 3-4 years, so thankfully I’ve had time to build a good foundation there). My husband has been so supportive, as much as he possibly can be coming from a “normal” family (that I love being a part of).

I started standing up to my mom during wedding planning which caused the outbursts. She called me vicious and made me out to be a selfish bridezilla when I was just doing what everyone else encouraged me to do: “Do what you want, it’s your day!” But my mom became verbally abusive when I didn’t essentially make it her wedding. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a hard time standing up to her and can do it more often, but I’m doing SO much more than I ever have.

We go through cycles where she’ll get mad at me and not talk to me, then get super clingy. And now she wants us to try therapy together. I agreed because she would use a no from me to say, “She doesn’t care, she won’t try!”

But I’m on the fence. My husband thinks it could be good and I think it’s a last ditch effort on her part. She’s already gaslighting me by saying she needs to communicate in a way where her words aren’t misconstrued, which I immediately reject and told her they aren’t being misconstrued. I can tell she wants the therapist to convince or fix me, but I’m about to let a lot out (in a gracious, loving but firm way) and discuss the behaviors I’m not putting up with. The therapist is (basically?) impartial but works in the same office building as my parents.

I can see how this could cause our relationship to blow up again, perhaps for a long time. I still want a relationship with my dad and brother (who is showing some signs of narcissism himself as the favorite child who she coddles, unfortunately). Thankfully, my dad and I became closer through this and he helped “manage” her as much as he could. But I’m tired of her manipulation and emotional/verbal abuse.

What are some tips for trying therapy together? I’m not going to say she has BPD outright but would it be ok to mention her family has BPD, or should I do that separately/discreetly? My own therapist met her once and said any professional will be able to see it a mile away.

I’m getting to the point where I can burn this to the ground. But because of my faith, I also want to handle this in a loving way and hope that maybe (despite the small chance) this could open her eyes. But also fully aware the most likely scenario is that she’ll never change.
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Kwamina
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2023, 08:29:53 AM »

Hi thumbsup and welcome to BPDFamily Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Congrats on getting married, that's a very significant life moment  Way to go! (click to insert in post)

Sorry to hear about your mother's BPD behaviors though. I am glad you do have supportive people in your life and also have your own therapist.

Given your experiences with your mother, I can definitely understand why you are on the fence about this.

Have you perhaps also discussed your mother's request for joint therapy with your own therapist? If you have, how does your therapist feel about it?

Welcome again and hope to read more from you later Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Kwamina aka The Board Parrot
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
Methuen
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« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2023, 11:11:43 AM »

Hello thumbsup,
Excerpt
What are some tips for trying therapy together? I’m not going to say she has BPD outright but would it be ok to mention her family has BPD, or should I do that separately/discreetly? My own therapist met her once and said any professional will be able to see it a mile away.
Congrats on getting married. Way to go! (click to insert in post) So glad to hear you have a supportive husband and you are comfortable with his family. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I can see why you have reservations about therapy with your mom asking you to attend.  It feels like a trap.  I must say that it seems extremely unusual for a pwBPD to ask for joint therapy.  

Did you research and discuss therapist options together with your mom, or did you “go along “ with the therapist your mom picked?  Are you comfortable with thisT?  What if any, are your concerns?  How well do you know this T?  Since she works in your parents building, does your mom have special access to her?  Do you have confidence in the T’s professionalism?  Is her reputation solid?  Are these things important, or are you going through the motions so your mom can’t accuse you of “not caring “?

I’m with Kwamina in wondering what what your personal T thinks of this arrangement.  Does she know?

As for whether it’s ok to mention her family has BPD…

Firstly, is that a formal diagnosis?

Secondly, how do you see yourself introducing this topic?  
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2023, 03:44:38 AM »

Congratulations on your wedding.

Surely the idea of therapy might vary but in my situation, I feel pretty sure it would not work as individual therapy has not worked for my BPD mother. In milder situations it might, but I wouldn't consider it as a possibility for me. You have reservations about your situation too.

Take a look at Karpman triangle dynamics. My BPD mother takes victim perspective. You are also in a situation where if you say no- your mother will then "blame" you. For my mother though- this is a pattern- blaming others. It may not be different from other situations.

Your family dynamics are common too- I also wanted a relationship with my father, who was my BPD mother's "rescuer" and enabler. Any relationship with him was conditional on also one with her. Having any boundaries with her disrupted the family- our role was also to appease her. I didn't even know to stand up to her at the time I got married- my wedding was "her party". We did have conflict later over other boundaries.

What has been effective for me is individual therapy.
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zachira
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
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« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2023, 07:59:28 AM »

You are wondering whether to agree to your mother's request to do therapy with her. I tried to get my mother's psychiatrist to arrange family therapy and he said no. He had provided individual therapy for my mother with BPD and stopped, apparently deciding that she was not a good fit for therapy after several sessions with her. He was known as a good therapist and not just a psychiatrist who only prescribed medications. If you are to do therapy with your mother, I would make sure you find a therapist who does not do an exclusively family session, who breaks up the session into individual sessions for parts or all of the session when necessary. This is quite a common practice with couples and families, especially when there is an individual or coalitions that are making the session impossible to do with the whole family, couple, children and parents, etc.,
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