Long time relationship with likely uBPDw and trying to save it

[Steppenwolf]

Hi BPDFamily,

So I am new to this site (feels a bit like AA-introduction right now). I was in a relationship with an extreme pwBDP 10+ years ago. That time really felt like an emotional rollercoaster, with several breakups and getting back together within a few days and severe gaslighting, suicidal ideation, etc. The time together really felt unreal, like I was getting pulled into a black vortex and constantly had to fight to stay out of it. The only real way I got out was when we were in one of those weird "I love you - don't leave me" conversations, where I told her that it was too much for me and she was telling me how bad her life is etc. in response. I suddenly realized the weird double-bind and just asked her if she really wanted me to stay together with her just out of pity... I'll never forget that moment because it was like something just snapped, she just threw a mug at me (she was never violent before), luckily missed and left. It was like the vortex and her weird hold on me just disappeared all of a sudden.


Fast forward to a few years later. Most of my relationships really weren't easy (but not BPD-like), except for one really healthy relationship I had in between. Then I met this really incredible woman, smart, funny, good-looking etc. We fell madly in love, and within a year, we had plans to marry. But then, some really weird fights started happening while we were preparing to get married. She knew I wanted kids, and she didn't want any. For me that really wasn't a stopper in the relationship, but something I could have managed. But she kept picking fights even in the middle of the night and there really wasn't any way out of it. Like she wasn't really fighting with me. She told me, that since I did want children and she did not, I should have a problem with her and break up... I really didn't understand it back then, but from what I read since then, this really sounds like BPD-logic to me in hindsight.

Well, fast forward again, we somehow managed. The relationship always felt somewhat similar to the previous dBPDx, but at a much lower level. While we had fights, breakups etc, on a daily basis in the previous relationships, the fights were limited to about once a month, and most of them didn't end with her wanting a divorce and then coming back. Except for a phase of a few months after her (so far only) suicide attempts, where she was mad at me for calling the ambulance after she swallowed almost every pill from our medicine cabinet, and until recently, where the situation has gotten really worse. She still sometimes says she really hates me, because I forced her to stay alive and accuses me of being selfish for that. I don't know if I should have seen the parallels much earlier, but since it was so much calmer I just didn't.

We eventually did have children, and after our first S9 was born, it was the phase that we were actually a quite normal and healthy family. Until we had a phase when our S9 had trouble getting to sleep and was afraid of the dark. She insisted that his cries of fear (he was about three back then) were just manipulation to get attention and he really wasn't afraid, which is when she started abusing our S9, like yelling at him to try to get him to sleep (yeah, I know). I really felt powerless, because I didn't want to get into a fight with her but also had to protect our son. So I got into a dilemma between being an enH and facing the difficult situations or getting into fights.

Still, we somehow managed, with me taking up most of the emotional responsibilities for our son. Before we had our son, I asked her if she was really sure, because she shifted from wanting/not wanting kids before, and she absolutely told me she was 100% sure and would not shift back (surprise: she did shift back, unfortunately even in front of our son). Before we planned for children the next time, I took an absolute promise that we would work on getting better and if needed even look for help. Unfortunately, we had twins so I was busy taking care of the children together with her and I never had the time and strength to insist on that promise.

The pandemic was the worst part because the children had to endure a mixture of being spoiled and emotionally neglected by her and I had to try to make up for it as good as I could.

Then, last December her sister committed suicide, which was a really shocking moment for all of us, including the kids, who lost her beloved aunt. But for my wife it was a moment, when she always stared to make plans of suicide again, and this time she wanted to get my help in preparing for it. This was an absolute "No f**ing way!" moment for me, so I talked to my physician (who fortunately also has some experience with psychology) and my best friend and made the plan to give her an ultimatum. Within two weeks we would get some kind of help, or I and the kids would be gone and never return. Fortunately, since I had the back-up I could actually convince her that I meant it, so we are now actually on a path of finding a better way. Still, the time until now was really really much more of a rollercoaster, and felt so much more like my previous relationship, that I started to look into getting more help online. What I read about BPD really made a lot of the fights we had and some of her weird behavior much clearer and showed me, that I really could have prevented a lot of mistakes.


Right now, one of her behaviors is really taking a positive turn. She was almost like always stepping on the break, if I tried to change something. For example, our life was really unstructured for a while after we moved to another town, so I told her we should have more structure in our lives. No way, she kept insisting we had a lot of structure and other families didn't do it better either etc. Then she would pick up from some book or somewhere else, that children with ADHS (passed on from me, likely) need a lot of routine and structure. Now if I am so much as just a few minutes late for making lunch, she gets into panic mode and I have to be careful not to trigger a fight.

So the positive turn is, that she had some seminars on emotional communication and emotional intelligence. I tried to talk to her before about getting some books etc. on emotional intelligence. No way, everything is fine as it is, and others don't do this either etc. Now she had this seminar, so she is starting to behave very emotionally supportive in front of the children, bought several books on emotions for children, and booked another seminar on this topic. I really hope this holds up!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Cat Familiar]

So things are going reasonably well for now. What areas are you hoping to improve?

[Steppenwolf]

So things are going reasonably well for now. What areas are you hoping to improve?

Hmm, not sure if I would use the words "reasonably well" for our family. I guess compared to some things others here write, it would be a fitting description. But there still are a lot of areas that really do require improvement.


My main concern right now is the kids. Living in a high emotional intensity really has taken a toll on these kids. The kids had to handle some abuse in their lives already, mostly our S9. I admit that I was way too much of an enH, and in some cases also got into situations of which I am not proud. Being put to sleep frequently through yelling etc, when he was afraid took a heavy toll on our S9 and so he still has a lot of trouble getting to sleep. All of our children including the twins (D6 and S6) witnessed DV against me and in some rare cases also from me back at my uBPDw. So our D6 has developed some hypervigilance, where she is trying heavily to avoid any behavior that could trigger a fight between my uBPDw and me. Not a good situation to be growing up in and I don't really know how I could take care of the kids and how to make up to them for what we did to them.

And I am feeling completely burned out from the situation. All those years I was hoping to have a place where I could relax within the family. I guess I just have to accept that will never be fully the case. I mean, there are relaxing moments every once in a while, but I have to accept that my uBPDw will likely constantly be on edge. She tried some relaxation methods before, but they worked in the opposite way for her and made her angry. She has frequent moments, that I think might be flashbacks, where she just gets a hateful face and mutters "I hate humans". I don't know what she is experiencing in these moments, and she won't talk about it. At least she is exerting a lot of self-control not to show these moments around the kids anymore after they started to ask her about this and started imitating her.

Right now I am mostly in a phase where I am trying to accept the reality and that many things likely will never change, even though she promised it would. "Let's have another child, and then everything will be better" (it didn't get better)... "Let me find another job and it will get better" (it didn't get better)... "Let us get a better place to live in another town and it will get better" (it didn't get better). I felt like she was externalizing a lot before, but I have come to realize that it really will not just get better if we just change our environment, but that we (or rather mostly I) have to work on this.


There are a lot more things I am trying to get off my chest and where I am looking for help and tools. Right now I am trying to learn how not to get into a fight when she is making gaslighting attempts on me. I get very emotional in these cases because it reminds me a lot of my previous relationship. So I often just hit back with hurtful facts, which isn't really helping the relationship. But I am trying to find a better way to handle these situations.

Oh, we also started marriage counseling a while ago, but so far I am not sure if it is really helping. The T is trying to treat this like typical couples' problems, which I can understand as she is undiagnosed and she probably doesn't want to pathologize my W. But at the same time, it seems she doesn't really take the DV and the abuse seriously, as I am the husband and much stronger than my uBPDw. So I am not sure how I can work against this stereotype or if we should just look for a different type of therapy (maybe also just therapy for me to figure our how to handle this better).