Steppenwolf
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married with children
Posts: 42
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« on: September 30, 2023, 06:13:06 PM » |
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Hi BPDFamily,
So I am new to this site (feels a bit like AA-introduction right now). I was in a relationship with an extreme pwBDP 10+ years ago. That time really felt like an emotional rollercoaster, with several breakups and getting back together within a few days and severe gaslighting, suicidal ideation, etc. The time together really felt unreal, like I was getting pulled into a black vortex and constantly had to fight to stay out of it. The only real way I got out was when we were in one of those weird "I love you - don't leave me" conversations, where I told her that it was too much for me and she was telling me how bad her life is etc. in response. I suddenly realized the weird double-bind and just asked her if she really wanted me to stay together with her just out of pity... I'll never forget that moment because it was like something just snapped, she just threw a mug at me (she was never violent before), luckily missed and left. It was like the vortex and her weird hold on me just disappeared all of a sudden.
Fast forward to a few years later. Most of my relationships really weren't easy (but not BPD-like), except for one really healthy relationship I had in between. Then I met this really incredible woman, smart, funny, good-looking etc. We fell madly in love, and within a year, we had plans to marry. But then, some really weird fights started happening while we were preparing to get married. She knew I wanted kids, and she didn't want any. For me that really wasn't a stopper in the relationship, but something I could have managed. But she kept picking fights even in the middle of the night and there really wasn't any way out of it. Like she wasn't really fighting with me. She told me, that since I did want children and she did not, I should have a problem with her and break up... I really didn't understand it back then, but from what I read since then, this really sounds like BPD-logic to me in hindsight.
Well, fast forward again, we somehow managed. The relationship always felt somewhat similar to the previous dBPDx, but at a much lower level. While we had fights, breakups etc, on a daily basis in the previous relationships, the fights were limited to about once a month, and most of them didn't end with her wanting a divorce and then coming back. Except for a phase of a few months after her (so far only) suicide attempts, where she was mad at me for calling the ambulance after she swallowed almost every pill from our medicine cabinet, and until recently, where the situation has gotten really worse. She still sometimes says she really hates me, because I forced her to stay alive and accuses me of being selfish for that. I don't know if I should have seen the parallels much earlier, but since it was so much calmer I just didn't.
We eventually did have children, and after our first S9 was born, it was the phase that we were actually a quite normal and healthy family. Until we had a phase when our S9 had trouble getting to sleep and was afraid of the dark. She insisted that his cries of fear (he was about three back then) were just manipulation to get attention and he really wasn't afraid, which is when she started abusing our S9, like yelling at him to try to get him to sleep (yeah, I know). I really felt powerless, because I didn't want to get into a fight with her but also had to protect our son. So I got into a dilemma between being an enH and facing the difficult situations or getting into fights.
Still, we somehow managed, with me taking up most of the emotional responsibilities for our son. Before we had our son, I asked her if she was really sure, because she shifted from wanting/not wanting kids before, and she absolutely told me she was 100% sure and would not shift back (surprise: she did shift back, unfortunately even in front of our son). Before we planned for children the next time, I took an absolute promise that we would work on getting better and if needed even look for help. Unfortunately, we had twins so I was busy taking care of the children together with her and I never had the time and strength to insist on that promise.
The pandemic was the worst part because the children had to endure a mixture of being spoiled and emotionally neglected by her and I had to try to make up for it as good as I could.
Then, last December her sister committed suicide, which was a really shocking moment for all of us, including the kids, who lost her beloved aunt. But for my wife it was a moment, when she always stared to make plans of suicide again, and this time she wanted to get my help in preparing for it. This was an absolute "No f**ing way!" moment for me, so I talked to my physician (who fortunately also has some experience with psychology) and my best friend and made the plan to give her an ultimatum. Within two weeks we would get some kind of help, or I and the kids would be gone and never return. Fortunately, since I had the back-up I could actually convince her that I meant it, so we are now actually on a path of finding a better way. Still, the time until now was really really much more of a rollercoaster, and felt so much more like my previous relationship, that I started to look into getting more help online. What I read about BPD really made a lot of the fights we had and some of her weird behavior much clearer and showed me, that I really could have prevented a lot of mistakes.
Right now, one of her behaviors is really taking a positive turn. She was almost like always stepping on the break, if I tried to change something. For example, our life was really unstructured for a while after we moved to another town, so I told her we should have more structure in our lives. No way, she kept insisting we had a lot of structure and other families didn't do it better either etc. Then she would pick up from some book or somewhere else, that children with ADHS (passed on from me, likely) need a lot of routine and structure. Now if I am so much as just a few minutes late for making lunch, she gets into panic mode and I have to be careful not to trigger a fight.
So the positive turn is, that she had some seminars on emotional communication and emotional intelligence. I tried to talk to her before about getting some books etc. on emotional intelligence. No way, everything is fine as it is, and others don't do this either etc. Now she had this seminar, so she is starting to behave very emotionally supportive in front of the children, bought several books on emotions for children, and booked another seminar on this topic. I really hope this holds up!
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