PTBD

[Neverenough2023]

I feel like I have PTBD - post traumatic boarderline disorder after every family event but this last one has left me profoundly saddened at what was to be a joyous occasion that was ruined by my daughter. My sons wedding. We tip toed around her for months, we set up good situations to make sure she was included and feeling appreciated and still we are left with physical violence, humiliation and a shadow forever on the day. She eventually left the morning of, leaving us to explain why she was gone, leaving us to try to pretend that part of us was missing. It’s like a train headed for a collision that was just going to happen and she seemed to make damn sure it crashed at the station in front of everyone.  She has cut all ties with us - the  alleged abusers. What do we do now? Can’t text or call her and she lives out of state. Do we resort to begging her to come back to the family yet again? So we let her stew in the situation she has created? All of you know the potential here and she has every one of the traits listed by everyone here. Except she is what we believe to be a successful nursing career. I just don’t know what to do at this point. Her brother actually says he wants her in the family but we need better skills apparently to deal with this so we can not repeat this experience ever again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[memom23]

I am so sorry to hear about the issues your daughter created at your son's wedding. What a sad situation. Your son is a forgiving person. I wonder if you have been given an opportunity now - with her separation - to take care of yourself and your family, and maybe shore up your knowledge and boundaries. Why rush to bring her back into the family when she has caused such damage? Perhaps this time is a gift - to regroup, reset and think about how you want to proceed. I have been slowly separating from my BPD daughter and it has been the best thing I could have done, for myself and the rest of our family. Wishing you the best in a difficult situation.

[Sammy Jo]

Dear PTBD,

I am so sorry that such a happy family affair has been forever marred by your daughter. Although it's so hard, please remember that you did everything to prevent what happened. At this point, some family members and friends must know that she has some "issues." Remember that you did not cause any of them. You love her and are doing your very best to help your son have the best day of his
life. He sounds like a very special person to be so forgiving.

I agree that this time apart may allow you time to heal and regroup and plan a strategy going forward. Good luck and trust your instincts.

[Titch]

Dear Neverenough

Let me start by saying ‘make the most of the break’. As a mother of a 40 year old daughter, who has ruined many holidays, anniversaries and so on, I am now on another break (her saying she no longer wants contact, we have ruined her life mixed with lies of how awful we have all treated her etc), this will be until the brown stuff hits the fan and she needs money, or another relationship ends, then my phone tings and the cycle goes round again. This time ‘I’ve decided I’m not doing this any more regardless of her reminding me of her suicide attempts/threats. It’s been going on for 25 years. I wish I was stronger back then. She uses our grandsons as tools to hurt us, but we/I know I have to make sacrifices to save my physical and mental health.  My other daughters have now stopped colluding with her.  They did it for my benefit. We have decided to set ourselves free.  I do feel scared sometimes, but I am learning to distract myself. I can’t do this any more. She has had years of therapy, but because of the lies she tells, it is not changing much. She has just become more educated around her threats and her texts sound more passive. Message is still the same.
Please don’t think you can change her by giving in to her demands or tears. You won’t. Just change the way you approach it. Put in strong boundaries. Focus on your family that brings you happiness. I know it’s a terribly sad situation but It has taken me too long and so much of my life realising that I have been part of making her worse! No more!