Hurting

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm just posting here because I could use some dialogue and support.

I was with a woman with BPD for 25 years. The relationship was always very difficult, but I loved her deeply.

Two years ago, in the midst of the stress of her son's addiction crisis (he also has BPD), she started an affair, then a few months later told me that our relationship was over. The guy she's seeing is married and shows all the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder. Their relationship took off like a supernova. He appears to badly trigger her - so she's been displaying more severe symptoms of BPD than I ever saw when we were a couple, and she's now homeless (crashing in a friend's spare room).

The affair is long distance. And she has wanted me to remain deeply enmeshed in her life. And I hoped that the affair would end, and that we would reconcile. So I basically played the role of a platonic husband. We continued to spend most of our free time together, and I continued to rescue her from all her messes. I did succeed in getting her to go into DBT therapy - she now attends a DBT group and sees an individual therapist.

I had thought that by my continuing to be involved in her life and available, it would make it easier for her to leave her narcissist affair partner (i.e. she wouldn't face being alone). In retrospect, that was misguided - I suspect my continued presence helped prop up their relationship (as with the three-legged stool analogy). And narcissists tend to be hypercompetitive - so my continued presence likely caused her affair partner to treat her better than he would have in the absence of a "competitor".

So I ended up with two years of protracted pain. Over that time, she and I did do a lot of enjoyable stuff together (hiking, cooking, etc.). And she'll occasionally still do nice things for me - like getting flowers and setting them up in vases in my apartment. But the pain has been brutal.

I finally decided, last week, that I had to stop spending time with her, and end most contact. I can't end all contact, since I'm my stepson's primary support, and we will have to communicate about him, etc. I haven't told her yet, since she's off with her boyfriend right now. But at a deep level, I'm finally fully letting go. And I've been crying a lot, after having made this decision - because I'm finally accepting that we really are over, and that's very painful. We're both of relatively advanced age, and I thought we'd be together for life.

I also appear to have worn out friends by talking about this situation. People find it burdensome to hear about (even friends I communicate with only very intermittently about it). A common reaction appears to be to tell me that I'm codependent for having had continued contact with her. So I find myself feeling judged and lonely.

[Pensive1]

I'm just posting here because I could use some dialogue and support.

I was with a woman with BPD for 25 years. The relationship was always very difficult, but I loved her deeply.

Two years ago, in the midst of the stress of her son's addiction crisis (he also has BPD), she started an affair, then a few months later told me that our relationship was over. The guy she's seeing is married and shows all the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder. Their relationship took off like a supernova. He appears to badly trigger her - so she's been displaying more severe symptoms of BPD than I ever saw when we were a couple, and she's now homeless (crashing in a friend's spare room).

The affair is long distance. And she has wanted me to remain deeply enmeshed in her life. And I hoped that the affair would end, and that we would reconcile. So I basically played the role of a platonic husband. We continued to spend most of our free time together, and I continued to rescue her from all her messes. I did succeed in getting her to go into DBT therapy - she now attends a DBT group and sees an individual therapist.

I had thought that by my continuing to be involved in her life and available, it would make it easier for her to leave her narcissist affair partner (i.e. she wouldn't face being alone). In retrospect, that was misguided - I suspect my continued presence helped prop up their relationship (as with the three-legged stool analogy). And narcissists tend to be hypercompetitive - so my continued presence likely caused her affair partner to treat her better than he would have in the absence of a "competitor".

So I ended up with two years of protracted pain. Over that time, she and I did do a lot of enjoyable stuff together (hiking, cooking, etc.). And she'll occasionally still do nice things for me - like getting flowers and setting them up in vases in my apartment. But the pain has been brutal.

I finally decided, last week, that I had to stop spending time with her, and end most contact. I can't end all contact, since I'm my stepson's primary support, and we will have to communicate about him, etc. I haven't told her yet, since she's off with her boyfriend right now. But at a deep level, I'm finally fully letting go. And I've been crying a lot, after having made this decision - because I'm finally accepting that we really are over, and that's very painful. We're both of relatively advanced age, and I thought we'd be together for life.

I also appear to have worn out friends by talking about this situation. People find it burdensome to hear about (even friends I communicate with only very intermittently about it). A common reaction appears to be to tell me that I'm codependent for having had continued contact with her. So I find myself feeling judged and lonely.

[once removed]

no judgment.

none of us are here because we had neat, clean breakups.

i had a similar stretch when i was going through it. it was a really lonely, isolated time. i was very grateful to find this place when i did.

i might suggest, that if your friends and loved ones are having difficulty supporting you, or dont know what to say, or are saying things that are unhelpful, it may help to simply enjoy their company, and the other things you enjoy about the relationship, while finding the emotional support here.

its a difficult thing youve been through, and a difficult decision you have reached. support will be paramount.

what are your next steps?

[Pensive1]

My immediate next step will be to tell her that I'll no longer be spending time with her, and that I want to cut contact except in regard to a few specific things (e.g. her son).

I expected to have this conversation with her already (on Monday or Tuesday), but the current circumstances are somewhat unusual, and I don't quite know when I'll see her. Up to this point, she'd see her long-distance affair partner once every two to three months (with constant texting and phone calls inbetween). However, this time, after spending a week with him in mid-August, she informed me that she'd be spending another week with him now. She asked me to use my credit card to rent a car for her to drive to see him, since her own car has a bad transmission (she has no credit card, and her boyfriend didn't want to put it on his credit card since his wife might see it). I absolutely refused (and she got angry), but I guess her boyfriend then rented the car for her and she asked me to pick up her car (the car she owns, with the failing transmission) from the rental agency parking lot (so right now, I have her car). She was supposed to be back by now, but hasn't contacted me to retrieve her car (either she hasn't returned or is back and still using the rental).

A friend of mine suggested that I come up with a plan for what I would do to maintain the restricted contact, since my ex is needy and broke and is likely to contact me to rescue her in various situations.

I also need to expand my circle of friends - e.g. reaching out to people I haven't seen in a while. I also asked a friend of mine if they'd be interested in hiking in natural areas with me, since this is the activity I'll most miss doing, that I always did with my ex (my friend said they would enjoy that).

I'm currently unemployed (I'm a scientist and the grant funding my work ran out), and need to start looking for a job soon as well.

[once removed]

I also need to expand my circle of friends - e.g. reaching out to people I haven't seen in a while. I also asked a friend of mine if they'd be interested in hiking in natural areas with me, since this is the activity I'll most miss doing, that I always did with my ex (my friend said they would enjoy that).

this is a good idea, but understand some prospects may not pan out. i know after my breakup, i tried to resurrect some old friendships, and in many cases, people had moved on. expect some of this, because it can feel discouraging. but having a buddy to hike with, and any way to expand your circle, and your support, will go a very long way.

A friend of mine suggested that I come up with a plan for what I would do to maintain the restricted contact, since my ex is needy and broke and is likely to contact me to rescue her in various situations.

good advice. any steps planned?

[Pensive1]

I talked to her Thursday, and she accepted my decision to end almost all contact. I wasn't sure how she'd react. She said it had become clear to her that continued contact, under the circumstances, was hurting me, and she felt guilty and didn't want that.

She asked whether we could hang out together, for a last time, this Saturday and Sunday, and I said yes. After thinking things over, I also proposed that we could spend a bit of time together on one day every two months.

Just before she started the affair with the narcissist, two years ago, she had split me black, for no valid reason, worse than she ever had. It all occurred in response to the stress and pain of her son's crisis. It was pretty obvious that the affair was her tactic to alleviate the pain, but once it happened it developed its own momentum. The time we spent together after the breakup did, in certain ways, help heal a lot of the rift between us.

re: "this is a good idea, but understand some prospects may not pan out. i know after my breakup, i tried to resurrect some old friendships, and in many cases, people had moved on. expect some of this, because it can feel discouraging. but having a buddy to hike with, and any way to expand your circle, and your support, will go a very long way."

Yeah. Some friends have grown weary of hearing about the situation. The ones who are standing by me the most are people I'd previously done something similar for  - listening to them at length when they went though breakups or other difficult stuff. So far, I've mainly just resurrected old friendships, though I've made one new friend.

re: "good advice. any steps planned?"
I've told her explicitly that she should no longer turn to me to rescue her. She acknowledged that she does that a lot, and said she'd no longer do so. And I know that right now, that is her intent - to completely stop turning to me for rescue (other than regarding her son/my stepson). But her situation will be an overwhelming mess very soon. Her car has a bad transmission and is falling apart, and she has no money to buy a new car. And I'd mentioned that she was homeless and crashing in a friend's spare room - and they just told her that she'd have to leave in the next few weeks. She doesn't have sufficient income to readily rent an apartment, but the friends with whom she has been staying said they'd loan her the security deposit. I've internally decided that I won't help her with her upcoming implosions (which are the result of her choices), though if her circumstances become totally dire and she contacts me, I'm not sure how I'll react.

For some reason, I feel compelled to add this. Anyone with a partner with severe BPD knows how difficult such a relationship is. It felt like she always had one foot out the door - it seems that pwBPD don't do secure attachment. But I do have regrets about some of my own choices and behaviors during the relationship. I guess if I was asked to attribute responsibility for the failure of the relationship, I would perhaps say 2/3 her and 1/3 me. I wish I knew long ago what I know now.

[capecodling]

For some reason, I feel compelled to add this. Anyone with a partner with severe BPD knows how difficult such a relationship is. It felt like she always had one foot out the door - it seems that pwBPD don't do secure attachment. But I do have regrets about some of my own choices and behaviors during the relationship. I guess if I was asked to attribute responsibility for the failure of the relationship, I would perhaps say 2/3 her and 1/3 me. I wish I knew long ago what I know now.

There were a lot of similarities in what you are describing between your break up and mine.  Mine ended up homeless im a similar way with friends supporting her until their patience ran out and finally homeless in her car.  So sorry you had to go through this, I have literally felt a lot of your pain and its horrible what you are going through.

One bit of advice I would give you, she sounds like she will absolutely 100% come back to you for support, and if you choose to support her, it will prolong your healing process and keep you in this state of intense pain where you are now. I would recommend doing as much NC as you possibly can.

Even with being her sons caretaker, I don’t see how that necessitate you having contact with her. Just explain you need no contact and hold it until your emotions towards her are all the way down to zero. That will be the fastest path towards your healing .

Continuing an emotional connection with her, even if its platonic as you have done, may make you feel better in the short term, but I can pretty much guarantee you that it is prolonging your pain.

[capecodling]

She asked me to use my credit card to rent a car for her to drive to see him, since her own car has a bad transmission (she has no credit card, and her boyfriend didn't want to put it on his credit card since his wife might see it). I absolutely refused (and she got angry), but I guess her boyfriend then rented the car for her and she asked me to pick up her car (the car she owns, with the failing transmission) from the rental agency parking lot (so right now, I have her car). She was supposed to be back by now, but hasn't contacted me to retrieve her car (either she hasn't returned or is back and still using the rental).

When I read this I was pretty shocked, I’ll admit — both that she had the gall to ask you for money to see the new guy, the one who she left you for and also that you helped her by picking up her car with the transmission problems.  I think both of these show an alarming lack of boundaries with her.  

I understand that the trauma bond is a powerful thing, but I think your friends would also agree this is “over the line” behavior — far over the line.  

Do you think someone with a healthy self image would tolerate this behavior from someone else?  

I’m not judging you at all — I’ve been there myself — but when I read this I see a man getting trampled on.  She has you taking care of her car and her son while she goes off with her new guy.  

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but both of those things (and I’m
sure she is doing more) are her responsibility and not yours.  It may seem cold, but i would cut her and everything about her out of your life completely so you can heal.  Even her son, that’s her child she had with another man and is not your responsibility now that she has chosen to destroy your relationship the best thing you can do is stop enabling her and let her feel the consequences of her actions.  Its the best chance there is to wake her up.

[Pensive1]

she sounds like she will absolutely 100% come back to you for support, and if you choose to support her, it will prolong your healing process and keep you in this state of intense pain where you are now.

I recognize that's probably true.

When I read this I was pretty shocked, I’ll admit — both that she had the gall to ask you for money to see the new guy, the one who she left you for and also that you helped her by picking up her car with the transmission problems.

Yeah. Her not recognizing that, under the circumstances, it was completely inappropriate to ask me to put her rental car on my credit card is kind of shocking. A while back, when she still had an apartment, she asked me to come over to help her clean her place for a visit by the new guy. That was also pretty shocking, and I told her no way. Picking up her car is a bit of a different case. I don't have a car right now - back when we were together, she was in an accident that totalled my car (the accident wasn't her fault), so then we only had one car between us (her car). Picking up her car at the rental parking lot enabled me to have a car for a week.

Even her son, that’s her child she had with another man and is not your responsibility now that she has chosen to destroy your relationship the best thing you can do is stop enabling her and let her feel the consequences of her actions. 

That's where I draw a line. He's my stepson, and I love him. I don't care if the sperm that created him was from another guy. He had kind of a sh*tty father (who has now passed away). I'll always try to be as good a parent as I can to him.
Though I'll mention one thing along these lines that is galling. After his meth addiction crisis occurred and she melted down, she basically abdicated almost all parental responsibility, and lost herself in the affair. She later thanked me for watching over him and trying to take care of him during this time, basically saying that it enabled her to spend time with the new guy.

One minor thing I'll mention that I find frustrating. Her new guy is highly narcissistic - he appears to be fully NPD. It's super-obvious. Five or so months ago, she herself was saying that he's a full-on narcissist. Now she flatly denies it, and was angry at me for trying to point it out. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised.