That's it. I blocked her after meeting her by accident.

[nowaves]

Hi all!

Yesterday we had an office party and got pretty hammered with a co-worker girl who tried to get intimate with me but I of course rejected, she's broken hearted by being rejected with my best friend, and I don't want to do anything with her obviously.

The two of us went to a party to a bar where we know the owners of, my crazy BPD ex is sometimes there as well but I wouldn't have thought she's gonna be there.

As we're waiting in line for the bathroom this coworker girl was pretty clingy on me as she was super wasted (I was tipsy as well but not really drunk), keeps hugging me. Guess who opens the door of the bathroom section? One of my other coworkers and my BPD ex! My heart rate went 200 bpm as she's seen the drunk coworker girl hugging me. The four of us said hello to each other, then stood in awkward silence for a minute. Then the owner of the bar came up and he opened the bathroom door for me, I realized there was nobody in there and I was trying to open it in the wrong direction. He said "you guys both look like you're pretty wasted" -- extra embarrassment in front of my ex.

I went in the bathroom and collapsed like a tower.

I realized I can't run home, I'll behave composed, self-confident and pretend like she's not there. I stood my ground pretty well, talking to ex-colleagues while my BPD ex was a few feet away from me. She pretended like I don't exist either, except both of us kept checking each other from a distance, our eyes met. The drunk coworker girl tried hugging me many times but luckily she left at a point.

Then, an hour and a half later, I realized I'll just leave. Crazy BPD ex was standing in line for drinks while I left.

Went away, had a margarita with someone in another bar, posted an Instagram story of me continuing the night somewhere else with drinks. Guess who views the story within minutes? BPD ex, her holiness. (Never followed me back after unblocking me, kept checking all my stories in July, then, since then she keeps doing it all the time via a weird burner account.)

I've been waiting till today to decide what to do while sober. I decided I'm gonna do what I've wanted to do for so long but never had the balls (wanted to reconcile and couldn't really detach myself from her since being discarded in spring).

Have taken 1.25 mg of Xanax, waited for it to kick in, and now, minutes ago, I've done it.

I wrote two lines:

"Why do you keep checking me?

Like you did during the summer (laughing emoji)"

Two minutes later, she has read my message. At that exact moment, I've blocked her. That's it. I'm done.

I'm super anxious, although writing this down helped me a bit.

I gave her a dose of her own medicine.

[nowaves]

I wonder what will happen to me... will it give me some closure I never got? Will I stop obsessing about her? I don't know yet, my mind is hazy and turbulent, and will be for a short time at least.

Also, I wonder what she'll do. She never replied to anything when I tried to reconcile in May, now she's read my message instantly. Will it trigger her abandonment? Will she get into a BPD rage and talk to me via some other avenue? I've taken the control away from her for sure, which is the most important thing to her in every aspect of her life and thinking. Once I wrote a tagline for her: "BPD girl - Control & Competitiveness"

I'm proud of myself though. I let her walk over me since July, letting me watch my life via IG Stories, hurting me each time I saw her name on the viewers' list, giving me false hope that these are some kind of smoke signals.

Now I've taken the control back.  And I've made a statement. It feels good.

[once removed]

Now I've taken the control back.  And I've made a statement.

the relationship is over.

there is no one to take control back from. the silver lining to breakups is that they are the end of the power struggle, they are the ultimate resolution of conflict.

that is, unless we dont want them to be.

in relationships like these, thats often the case. we may be taking the rejection especially hard, and want to reverse it. we may have been blamed for it, and want redemption. we may, after a while of getting beaten down, badly want to feel seen and heard.

and in doing that, sometimes we are really just clinging to the wounds, keeping ourselves in bondage, still living the conflict of a relationship that died.

Also, I wonder what she'll do. She never replied to anything when I tried to reconcile in May, now she's read my message instantly. Will it trigger her abandonment? Will she get into a BPD rage and talk to me via some other avenue? I've taken the control away from her for sure,

you do not have control if you are consumed with trying to provoke reactions in her or send her a message. in fact, youre giving her an enormous amount of power.

there is an easier way to heal from this.