how to live with person with BPD?

[Giselle86oz]

hello everyone, I'm happy to have found this forum, my mother has borderline personality disorder and for many years my family and I lived in pieces, on all the important dates like my wedding, birth of my nephews, someone sick and hospitalized, she I always had episodes of fury, on my wedding day she took my wedding dress and threw it in my room, she fought with all the party employees and yelled at me, the reason was because she didn't want to put external heating on the party. I developed a lot of stress and for many months I couldn't stop crying, waking up in the middle of the night with shortness of breath and tachycardia. This was just one of the episodes that happened to me and my family over the years. The truth is that I don't know how to do more investigations and my desire was to distance myself because somehow I always feel guilty and this is destroying my mental health.

[TelHill]

Hello Giselle, Welcome!  

I know what you mean about a bpd mother. I have a mother with bpd who was diagnosed over five years ago but has had it ever since I can remember.

Am not sure whether your mother lives with you.  I lived with her as a minor until I was 18 and for 3 years on a part-time basis as a care giver in my 50s. I developed severe depression and agoraphobia when I was a caregiver.   I will not do that ever again.

I am able to spend a few hours a week with her by doing the gray rock method of not telling her anything about myself. (Gray rock means to be as interesting and engaging as a rock.) She alternates between telling me pity stories (exaggerating physical symptoms) or is passive aggressive bordering on rude. I answer oh, I'm sorry or that's too bad mostly. She really wants me to do something for her or goad me into a fight. 

She has an abnormal fear of abandonment.   I couldn't go out for a quick coffee when I was caregiving without her yelling and being angry.  She pulls similar behavior with FOO members.

I feel sorry for her and love her.  I believe she was born with a brain abnormality which causes BPD acting out. She refuses therapy and sees no problem acting like a bully. I can tell she enjoys that behavior.

I played the role of parent to her growing up and was conditioned to take care of her emotional needs.  That kind of childhood grooms you to act out of Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG).  You say you feel guilty which may stem from similar childhood experiences as mine.

It helps me to repeat the three C's when I feel the FOG coming on: I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it and I can't Control it.

Am really sorry she disrupted your wedding day and the stress is causing you physical symptoms.  Those are common themes for those of us with BPD mothers.

[Zoe Fun-loving]

Hi Giselle,

Welcome to the group! 

Thank you for sharing your situation. I resonate with having a bpd mother, and how devastating it is to grow up in such an environment. Are you able to find support from other family members? I wasn't, but my mum isn't diagnosed so it may be different for you!

I completely encourage you to take the distance that you need, even if it's just temporarily or taking baby steps for now. Gradual steps worked well for me, which started by going to boarding school in a other town and ended up with moving to another continent. The physical space is a huge breather for me!

We are here for you. All the best 

[Methuen]

I developed a lot of stress and for many months I couldn't stop crying, waking up in the middle of the night with shortness of breath and tachycardia. This was just one of the episodes that happened to me and my family over the years. The truth is that I don't know how to do more investigations and my desire was to distance myself because somehow I always feel guilty and this is destroying my mental health.

Hi Giselle86oz.  Welcome!  My T once told me to have NC with my mom for 2 weeks because my amygdala needed to be given an opportunity to calm down.  After that she suggested re-evaluation to see if more time was needed.  That was kind of a turning point for me, to hear from an expert that there were physical things going on in my brain which were causing my body problems due to mom's behavior.  An expert was saying it wasn't my fault.

It's been a few years since then, and one of the ways I got "distance" was to come out of retirement and return to work so that I was unavailable to meet her infinite needs and be exposed to her sea of emotions and temper.

There is a path forward.  We all have to find the way that works for us.  A really great way to start is to practice self-compassion, and really honour yourself by taking care of your own needs.  When you are feeling like this (like she is destroying your mental health), how do you take care of yourself?

Since she "empties your cup", what things to do like to do to fill yourself up again?

[Notwendy]

I recall when I was a student- a counselor suggested I go NC with my BPD mother. I don't recall for how long or why she suggested it. I tried it but maintained contact with my father- and it didn't work, as he would take me to see her. I didn't attempt it again after that.

I don't even recall BPD being discussed.

I didn't learn about BPD until later. When I do visit my BPD mother, I have difficulty sleeping before and after the visit. I have felt anxiety going up the elevator on the way to her room in assisted living. If I think about it rationally, she isn't of any harm to me. She's a small elderly woman. She can say hurtful things. However, we kids grew up feeling afraid of her and emotionally we still feel a bit of that.

I still have contact with her but I take steps to feel safe. I started staying in a hotel rather than in my parents' house when they lived there. I planned shorter visits. Visiting with my family rather than alone.

Gage your feelings and work with a counselor if you choose to to help you with how to help yourself feel safer.