Help understanding how to communicate with bpd friend

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I have been friends with a coworker who exhibits traits of BPD, although I don't believe he has been diagnosed. I love him dearly, but am often left feeling like I'm a bad person and no matter what I do I can't seem to prove to him that I care.

I've expended so much energy trying to understand him, prove to him I care and accept him how he is, yet I've also challenged him as I believe it's important in a relationship to be challenged and to challenge, as a means of growth.

I always feel like I'm being tested and have to prove myself. Yet it doesn't matter what I do or what I say and it feels like he doesn't even care how his behavior hurts me.

The beginning of our friendship especially was a rollercoaster of highs and lows and many episodes where he would self-harm and be suicidal. My heart went out to him. I've tried so hard to help him but my help often seems to be wrong. He also says very harsh things to me, very harsh. He prides himself on his ability to tell the cold hard truth to people, as though he's doing people a favor, and he does not seem to have remorse for it. He has apologized to me at times, but if he is hell bent on thinking he is right, well then tough, suck it up. I've not had anyone be so harsh with me in my entire life. It has created so much self doubt in me to where I ruminate and truly think to myself, maybe he's right. Maybe I'm everything he says (he's cussed at me, called me names, insulted me and doubted my character).

I have found myself apologizing for things either because I start thinking maybe I am wrong (truly trying to be self-aware and put myself in his shoes), or I apologize just to appease him. Whenever I've expressed any needs, he'll say things like how he can't do right by me. So then I feel guilty and keep my needs to myself.

Never in my life have I had a more volatile relationship. He has a very caustic nature and often feels he's right, everyone else is wrong. Yet he can say and do the most beautiful things. I've never known anyone in my life that can be both so beautiful and so ugly in ways. There are times it feels like I've been all good to him and other times I'm all bad to him. Which I've read is splitting. It literally causes me so much pain when he's in his mode of thinking ill of me. And it's like there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm an empath to my core. What puzzles me is he says he's an empath - yet he can be so cruel. Not once have I ever called him names, cussed him out. Even when he's referred to himself as an a-hole, I don't agree with him. I try to see the good in him and build him up.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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You’ve been  unsuccessfully trying to prove that you care and in doing so, you’ve been demeaned and insulted. this has undermined your self-esteem and caused you to question yourself.

You’ve tried to support him, but that hasn’t been reciprocated.

It seems as if you have had the full experience of someone with BPD, as you have seen the highs and lows. knowing that this is who he is, how can we help you?