I'm really struggling today.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's coming up on a full year of NC for me. The last time we spoke was Oct 30 2022. ( I left him at the end of May/beginning of June 2022.) It wasn't pretty on his end. He'd been up all night and was clearly drunk and or on something. I'd reached out after a harsh breakup to bury the hatchet and give and get closure. If I'm being honest, I also hoped he'd apologize and tell me he knew he'd been wrong, lmao. And I have a VERY solid understanding of his diagnosis. Yes, he is dx'd. At first he was conciliatory and even invited me over, but things went sideways when I declined and asked if he was drunk. Shocker, I know. Him drinking again was an issue. He was also, at this point, unemployed and starting to abuse gabapentin that'd been prescribed for one of his dogs. Actually, the unemployment started when covid did. And the drinking? Idk, we weren't together when that started back up. The dog meds started last spring-2022. I expressed concern. The phone call was bizarre. He asked me at one point  if I wanted him to marry me. He knows I have zero interest in marriage. He was by turns cold and uncaring and then almost wailing at me. He never seemed to completely split on me though-he was texting me during this call, as I had started refusing to speak to him while he was agitated/intoxicated-telling me he 'will always respect me' and that I'm a 'b@d@SS bitch that no one can touch-hands down' (<~this was meant as a compliment and he was trying to be 'light' and a direct quote). I ended up having to block him as he text me 40x in 30 min. I text him the next day iterating that we were fundamentally incompatible and he needed serious help but that I loved him and would be there if he ever really needed me.

I know my leaving him hurt him. I sent a loooong text about a month after I left him explaining how he's hurt me and how it felt like it was all a game to him and I had no choice  it to go.  I admit I checked his music frequently at first. I watched him grieve me through what he was listening to. Tom Perry's Wildflowers and sad country and sad post punk and lots of Dylan. Lots of sad music for a long time. I finally blocked him so I couldn't see. I think he had meaningless sex during that time, if anything. I wouldn't be surprised by lots of meaningless sex. It's kinda his thing. Although, he did have FB dating still active on his phone when we were together-it's ultimately why I left. He deleted it immed (sent screen shots) after he accidentally had it pop up while he was showing me something on his FB page. I mulled it over for a few weeks and decided, after some horribly umempathetic behavior soon after that I had to be done. He knew being cheated on was my worst fear in a relationship. He tried to pretend he'd forgotten about the dating portion of FB. I wasn't buying that.

We had a convoluted on/off 'relationship' for about 4 yrs. I've I've know him for decades. It's such a long, weird thing I don't even know where to begin. I used to date one of his friends when we were in our early 20s. As far as I know, he's pretty much always been into me...since way back when. He drunkenly tried to hook up with me during a fight this ex and I were having. Naturally, I declined, but was flattered. He also messaged me some years later on FB to try again to get together with me. I declined again. Life had a funny way of just sort of throwing him in my path. An ex of his I was friends with, briefly, before dating him said he'd bring me up to her constantly while they were together-she and I didn't know each other when they were together.. They also had a very odd off/on relationship which became a bone of contention for me during our time-I'll give details if anyone's interested but it's much too much for this post. Basically, as I understand now, I'd been a limerant object for him for about 2.5 decades prior to us actually dating. I thought he really liked me. When this ex of his and I were pals, she told me he was in therapy and had been dx'd w BPD (later confirmed by him). I never would've considered dating him otherwise. I knew what he'd been like w women when we were young. I didn't want any part of that action, especially as I was coming off an 8 year stretch of working hard on myself, during which time I did not date. My FOO is a real magical f*cking circus and I am dx with some anxiety issues and PTSD. What transpired between us in the past few years  really set me back, but I've been feeling really good the past 4-5 months. .

I made a grave error yesterday. I made a burner Facebook acct and took a peek. He's moved on. Finally. His header on FB was a quote from Rumi's The Great Wagon.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
There is a field. I'll meet you there."
He actually misquoted it as he has entered-'meet me there'. Intentional? Who knows?
I noticed  a woman loved his profile pic change in July this year (who is very close with his ex that I had issue with) and looked at her page, too. I almost couldn't help myself. No real activity between them, but she's posted about 5 pics of him with his dogs and the caption 'quick getaway to DE' about 2 weeks ago.
She's designated herself as single and I happen to know she's gone through a divorce in the past 8-12 mo, but I just know. You know when you know. Y'know? I KNOW HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO MOVE ON. I know that ish.

It absolutely crushed me to see it, though. I'd thought to myself months ago that I was sure he'd moved on-but seeing it? Oh, seeing it. The FB burner that I made is already slated for deletion, no worries. I won't be going back to look again.

I know I left him. I had good reasons and a desire to maintain my self respect. I've worked too hard for it to give it away again.
I just can't stop thinking that he's actually taken some time between women this time-this might be real. And it absolutely devastated me to think that. That's he's somehow put in some serious/incredible work on himself in the past year and become 'better'. That things will work with this woman, now. He told me I was so important to him. That 'it's always been you' (me). And, he's moved on and didn't even bother to apologize to me. He's out doing things with her-and the last 2 yrs we dated he was too depressed or always had an excuse.
Physically, she is not an upgrade or younger, , it's not like he's 'showing her off'. That sounds so petty and it is, but I cannot help it right now.
Did he change? Is she going to get something good with him while I'm busy re traumatizing myself?
What have I done to myself?

I've been lurking here for a long time. I cannot bother my friends with this again-they gave me enough last year when I had to walk away from a man I loved because he was violating my boundaries and being all low empathy about it.

Sorry for the lengthy post. I'm pretty jacked up about this. I thought I was more okay than I am.
Thank you to any one that reads this mess.

This is insane. I realize that. I haven't even been able to sleep-been up all night. Had a mini-meltdown and had to be talked down thru the tears and screeching by my bestie yesterday afternoon.

[Remotefile]

It's coming up on a full year of NC for me. The last time we spoke was Oct 30 2022. ( I left him at the end of May/beginning of June 2022.) It wasn't pretty on his end. He'd been up all night and was clearly drunk and or on something. I'd reached out after a harsh breakup to bury the hatchet and give and get closure. If I'm being honest, I also hoped he'd apologize and tell me he knew he'd been wrong, lmao. And I have a VERY solid understanding of his diagnosis. Yes, he is dx'd. At first he was conciliatory and even invited me over, but things went sideways when I declined and asked if he was drunk. Shocker, I know. Him drinking again was an issue. He was also, at this point, unemployed and starting to abuse gabapentin that'd been prescribed for one of his dogs. Actually, the unemployment started when covid did. And the drinking? Idk, we weren't together when that started back up. The dog meds started last spring-2022. I expressed concern. The phone call was bizarre. He asked me at one point  if I wanted him to marry me. He knows I have zero interest in marriage. He was by turns cold and uncaring and then almost wailing at me. He never seemed to completely split on me though-he was texting me during this call, as I had started refusing to speak to him while he was agitated/intoxicated-telling me he 'will always respect me' and that I'm a 'b@d@SS bitch that no one can touch-hands down' (<~this was meant as a compliment and he was trying to be 'light' and a direct quote). I ended up having to block him as he text me 40x in 30 min. I text him the next day iterating that we were fundamentally incompatible and he needed serious help but that I loved him and would be there if he ever really needed me.

I know my leaving him hurt him. I sent a loooong text about a month after I left him explaining how he's hurt me and how it felt like it was all a game to him and I had no choice  it to go.  I admit I checked his music frequently at first. I watched him grieve me through what he was listening to. Tom Perry's Wildflowers and sad country and sad post punk and lots of Dylan. Lots of sad music for a long time. I finally blocked him so I couldn't see. I think he had meaningless sex during that time, if anything. I wouldn't be surprised by lots of meaningless sex. It's kinda his thing. Although, he did have FB dating still active on his phone when we were together-it's ultimately why I left. He deleted it immed (sent screen shots) after he accidentally had it pop up while he was showing me something on his FB page. I mulled it over for a few weeks and decided, after some horribly umempathetic behavior soon after that I had to be done. He knew being cheated on was my worst fear in a relationship. He tried to pretend he'd forgotten about the dating portion of FB. I wasn't buying that.

We had a convoluted on/off 'relationship' for about 4 yrs. I've I've know him for decades. It's such a long, weird thing I don't even know where to begin. I used to date one of his friends when we were in our early 20s. As far as I know, he's pretty much always been into me...since way back when. He drunkenly tried to hook up with me during a fight this ex and I were having. Naturally, I declined, but was flattered. He also messaged me some years later on FB to try again to get together with me. I declined again. Life had a funny way of just sort of throwing him in my path. An ex of his I was friends with, briefly, before dating him said he'd bring me up to her constantly while they were together-she and I didn't know each other when they were together.. They also had a very odd off/on relationship which became a bone of contention for me during our time-I'll give details if anyone's interested but it's much too much for this post. Basically, as I understand now, I'd been a limerant object for him for about 2.5 decades prior to us actually dating. I thought he really liked me. When this ex of his and I were pals, she told me he was in therapy and had been dx'd w BPD (later confirmed by him). I never would've considered dating him otherwise. I knew what he'd been like w women when we were young. I didn't want any part of that action, especially as I was coming off an 8 year stretch of working hard on myself, during which time I did not date. My FOO is a real magical f*cking circus and I am dx with some anxiety issues and PTSD. What transpired between us in the past few years  really set me back, but I've been feeling really good the past 4-5 months. .

I made a grave error yesterday. I made a burner Facebook acct and took a peek. He's moved on. Finally. His header on FB was a quote from Rumi's The Great Wagon.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
There is a field. I'll meet you there."
He actually misquoted it as he has entered-'meet me there'. Intentional? Who knows?
I noticed  a woman loved his profile pic change in July this year (who is very close with his ex that I had issue with) and looked at her page, too. I almost couldn't help myself. No real activity between them, but she's posted about 5 pics of him with his dogs and the caption 'quick getaway to DE' about 2 weeks ago.
She's designated herself as single and I happen to know she's gone through a divorce in the past 8-12 mo, but I just know. You know when you know. Y'know? I KNOW HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO MOVE ON. I know that ish.

It absolutely crushed me to see it, though. I'd thought to myself months ago that I was sure he'd moved on-but seeing it? Oh, seeing it. The FB burner that I made is already slated for deletion, no worries. I won't be going back to look again.

I know I left him. I had good reasons and a desire to maintain my self respect. I've worked too hard for it to give it away again.
I just can't stop thinking that he's actually taken some time between women this time-this might be real. And it absolutely devastated me to think that. That's he's somehow put in some serious/incredible work on himself in the past year and become 'better'. That things will work with this woman, now. He told me I was so important to him. That 'it's always been you' (me). And, he's moved on and didn't even bother to apologize to me. He's out doing things with her-and the last 2 yrs we dated he was too depressed or always had an excuse.
Physically, she is not an upgrade or younger, , it's not like he's 'showing her off'. That sounds so petty and it is, but I cannot help it right now.
Did he change? Is she going to get something good with him while I'm busy re traumatizing myself?
What have I done to myself?

I've been lurking here for a long time. I cannot bother my friends with this again-they gave me enough last year when I had to walk away from a man I loved because he was violating my boundaries and being all low empathy about it.

Sorry for the lengthy post. I'm pretty jacked up about this. I thought I was more okay than I am.
Thank you to any one that reads this mess.

This is insane. I realize that. I haven't even been able to sleep-been up all night. Had a mini-meltdown and had to be talked down thru the tears and screeching by my bestie yesterday afternoon.

[once removed]

I just can't stop thinking that he's actually taken some time between women this time-this might be real. And it absolutely devastated me to think that. That's he's somehow put in some serious/incredible work on himself in the past year and become 'better'. That things will work with this woman, now. He told me I was so important to him. That 'it's always been you' (me). And, he's moved on and didn't even bother to apologize to me. He's out doing things with her-and the last 2 yrs we dated he was too depressed or always had an excuse.
Physically, she is not an upgrade or younger, , it's not like he's 'showing her off'. That sounds so petty and it is, but I cannot help it right now.
Did he change? Is she going to get something good with him while I'm busy re traumatizing myself?
What have I done to myself?

i felt a lot of this after my breakup, when my ex jumped into a new relationship in about a week.

of course, i was the one who was dumped, and i was very much not ready to leave.

If I'm being honest, I also hoped he'd apologize and tell me he knew he'd been wrong, lmao.

on the other hand, you may not have been completely ready yourself. this isnt uncommon, especially if, as it sounds, you spent a great deal of your relationship wanting and fighting to be heard.

it always hurts to see an ex with a new partner, even if you made the decision to leave. theres a famous episode of roseanne, where jackie and fred are getting a divorce, and suddenly he starts getting into all the things she tried to get him into during the marriage. at first shes intrigued; why now? why is he suddenly "interesting"? then shes furious; oh hell no, he doesnt get to suddenly be interesting! then she has doubts; maybe she made a mistake. then shes certain hes doing all these things to win her back!

This is insane. I realize that.

its not insane, especially if you see it as just a reflection of where you are in your detaching process. the immediate pain you were feeling when you saw what you saw, and when you wrote this, will dissipate. but it does suggest unfinished business needs tending.

i dont know your ex. i cannot tell you whether hes better, worse, or how his relationship was going. i suspect it would do little to complete your unfinished business for me to tell you that theres no way hes any better, their relationship will fail, etc, etc. i tried it for a while. it didnt help; i didnt buy it. what i can offer is some perspective that may help.

1. even assuming that he is out there living his very best life, the vision you have of him in your head is probably an exaggerated, idealized version, at the expense of yourself. in other words, it may be more of a mental/emotional battle that has more to do with unresolved things from the relationship than anything you can really gleam from what youve seen.

2. you broke up for reasons. you may not have been fully ready to pull the lever, and you may have done it, in part, to be heard, but there was something very broken about the relationship. its important not to overstate, or "paint the relationship black" so to speak, but its important to keep sight of.

3. generally speaking, we all "do a little better each time", from relationship to relationship. we try new things. we are, in some ways, trying new versions of ourselves, with new partners. we learn lessons (sometimes the wrong ones) from mistakes made. of what i was privy to, my exs new relationship didnt look like anything i wanted to be a part of, and i certainly dont think that the way she jumped into it was a healthy start. i also know that they lasted longer than my relationship did (for better or worse), and that it was a relationship that looked a lot different than ours. better? worse? probably both. on the other hand, i spent about a year after the breakup "working on myself" and proceeded to choose two short lived relationships that i would consider a mistake. it took me some time, but the lessons caught up with me, and i matured. i dont have a lot of info on my ex, but i know she really got her life together, and is very successful with her dream job as an elementary school teacher. im a lot "better" than i was when we were together. i believe she probably is too. i also believe that she has some lifelong struggles that will make all of her relationships challenging, but, more than that, i believe we werent meant to be. we came into each others lives for an important reason, but we were ultimately wrong for each other, there were things that neither of us could live with/accept about the other, and breaking up was traumatizing, but inevitable.

4. if all of that is true, then there is someone, probably many someones, who will be "better" for my ex than me. not better than me. not superior to me. but, and whether shes with them now or not, probably many, many people that are a better fit for my ex than i was or am. i know that to be true, because once i detached, i could clearly see the mistakes i made in the relationship without being hurt by it. it still doesnt mean that the relationship was meant to be saved, but i will take those lessons into future relationships, not only to someone who is a better fit for me but as a better partner than i was, and a better fit for someone else.

my advice would be to treat this as a "check up" on your detachment process, and to make getting to that point (or something similar that is true to you) a goal. it wont happen overnight, it took me probably a couple of years, but its something to shoot for.

[Remotefile]

Once Removed,
Thank you for the rational reply you've given me on a day I'm not able to give it to myself. Just, thank you.

He and I do not work as lovers. We trigger each other horribly and unintentionally then both get overwhelmed. I'm further along in my healing so I'm able to communicate pretty well/low conflict style. I've done C/DBT, schema therapy, shadow work, made meditation a part of my day, eat healthily, etc.  But he struggles to do these things or doesn't even try and starts the self sabotage with me and I eventually start feeling rejected, which makes me shut down. I'm pretty laid back but can only take so much. I have boundaries and want something healthy, calm and supportive. I want someone who will give a bit back, too. Add to that the fact that I am unwilling to ever be cheated on. Emotionally or otherwise.

I was harshly honest in the 'breakup' message I sent him this past June. I wasn't judgmental but I was very clear about his behaviors and their effect on me and that I didn't think he was being served by his therapist. He was also being medicated by his GP-which I told him was a poor plan. Apparently his psych had left practice or referred him and he felt there was no follow thru so got meds from GP and (ostensibly) carried on seeing his therapist. I know he'd been in a bad place for a while. Covid really affected him, then he lost a pet a year into that, all while not working other than a side hustle out of his garage fixing motors. I wanted him to share with me-never pushed-but he did not. I'm sure I could've handled things better-I'm far from 'perfect' but I also understand that this was an inevitable outcome. As sad and heart wrenching as that is to me.

I believe his limerence for me, for so many years, along with the fact that his treatment has only been talk therapy-no DBT or any real digging, def set anything possible up for failure. His anxiety around me was palpable at times. I tried really hard to be soft, welcoming and nonjudgmental as possible. It was easy because I love him and want the best for him. But, after any time he let himself be even a smidge vulnerable with me-it was bye bye birdie for days after. It always made me feel lousy, even though I understood it was defense mechanisms. I'll admit it made me feel insecure after a while. I tried to discuss, calmly, gently asking  what I could do for him and for what I wanted wanted in a kind way-he was uhm, not particularly receptive towards the end. At one point told me I was petty for being hurt/confused about things. He needs to keep things very surface and I need to feel safe and emotionally intimate.

I do believe he cared as much as he was capable. It's just not enough for me. He's admitted to me (this last time we were back together) that he thinks about me constantly. That's probably not a nice feeling after a while. I don't think he can relax fully with me, as he wants/ed to make the best impression possible. I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that I'm not good for him for some reason. No matter how I try-SET, TIP, DEARMAN, utter blunt honestly, frustration, anger...something about me just shuts him right down. I've suggested DBT to him multiple times. As I said, he never pulls the full split on me, but eventually can't seem to stand to be around me, either. Then he circles back.

And you're right. I was also the one who dumped and  I was very much not ready to be done or walk away, too. I didn't feel I had a choice other than that if I wanted to maintain self respect. I made my boundaries clear and he violated them, then attempted to cover the violation with lies and gaslighting. He can certainly do whatever he wants. Actions do have consequences and I did leave him for valid reasons.. My FOO is rife with cluster B, so I know the drill all too well. I'm deep down a real tough cookie-learned at an early age no one was coming to help me or rescue me. I became extremely self sufficient. I walked away from my therapy resistant cluster B mother/father and extended family. I've given away enough of myself without reciprocity in this life. My internal fortitude is something to behold when I make my mind up--but don't ever think it didn't/doesn't hurt like hell. It was absolutely not a move I wanted to make. It gets old having to constantly defend boundaries. It doesn't hurt less when you do, it often hurts more when you do. I was probably doing some magical thinking that he was still pining away for me and I'll admit, I liked that thought. I'm still not sure he won't circle back. He's done many times before and after dating me over the years.
And I also agree with your sentiment that someone else might be better for him-it's not really a contest. I guess I'm just realizing that I was very much still holding on to some small ember of hope. That he's hearing me. That he'll be willing to do the hard work. We have a lot in common that I know  isn't mirroring and could've been amazing together.

I think he is a good man underneath it all. I think he absolutely sucks at intimacy (at least with me...) and know he'll have dating apps up and going eventually with this woman, too. Rationally, I understand she won't be any more 'special' than the rest of us once engulfment fear kicks in.  Some people won't trigger him as quickly or badly as I seem to. Some people are willing to put up with more than I am. I know what I want and it doesn't involve chaos, drama or hot/cold behavior from my SO. He will eventually bring that to the table in what I believe to be a burgeoning new relationship. If she's rebounding with him, which may very well be the case, divorce was contentious and she apparently ran a  smear campaign against ex husband...I know I'll be hearing from him by the beginning of the new year. I'm still not totally convinced I won't-no matter what happens between them. The ex I was friends with told me I was the 'love of his life'. Limerent object if his life, perhaps? This last time 'round he told me one day he wasn't sure he knew what love was. I don't trust him at all anymore, but I believed that. He also told me last Oct that he liked the way he was. I maintain he has a good heart, but...as my grandfather used to say, "fill one hand with wishes and the with sh!t and see which fills up faster". Ha, a crude but apt saying. I cannot be with potential. I want a partner I can grow old with who wants to cherish me the way I want to cherish them. *rueful chuckle as I don't know if I'll ever be able to date again after this. trust issues are hulk-force rn* He's a 48 yr old man who's mother has paid a lot of his way in life which he resents but still allows. Ughhhh. It's all so f'ing sad and tawdry when I type it out like this.

I can't believe I sabotaged myself in this way. I'm embarrassed. The only thing I'd looked at in the past 12 months was his streaming acct and that was only 2x. This was a bad idea. I will say he did not look especially happy or lovey dovey in the pics she posted of him. Just kind of doing his thing while she took his pic.

I was able to take the day off work-thankfully! I'm hoping that after a solid night's sleep tonite I'll be back in a good headspace mañana. I have no idea who the hell I thought I was yesterday. Lol

[Remotefile]

And-to address this comment: I felt so seen and heard by him. Every time. Until I didn't, I'm sure everyone here understands that feeling.

You mentioned you left out of necessity, not real desire to leave same as I did. What have you found helped you the most in moving on? May I ask how long it's been for you and how you feel now? Lol, I AM asking, I hope you may respond.

[once removed]

You mentioned you left out of necessity, not real desire to leave same as I did. What have you found helped you the most in moving on? May I ask how long it's been for you and how you feel now?

of course! wouldnt be a support group without sharing.

i was the one who was dumped, actually. i didnt realize it at the time, but the writing had been on the wall for months, up to a year. by the end of it, i had coped by emotionally and physically abandoning the relationship, and she coped by setting up a new one.

it is the hardest thing i ever went through, the greatest lesson(s) of my life, and also utterly ancient history. we broke up over twelve and a half years ago now, mid february of 2011.

if i had to summarize in a sort of all encompassing way, what helped me the most moving on, it would be "following the stages of Detaching" (listed here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332589.0).

by following (or trying to) a set of guidelines for healthy grieving. by completely grieving the loss. its not something id really done before. id just let time dull the pain, and carry the baggage into the next relationship. i grieved, mourned, and said goodbye to, all of the good things, and all of the bad. i let myself feel the loss. i let myself feel the rejection, abandonment, and incredible blow to my ego. i got my ass kicked, hard. there was something terrifying and vulnerable about acknowledging that, but something so freeing in letting myself. you cant heal from reality if you cant acknowledge it.

posting here obviously helped. finding a support system of people that were experiencing, or had experienced what i was going through cant be understated. but the nature of a peer to peer support system was good for me, too. i had people to challenge me through those hardest parts, when id get stuck. i could see myself in the stories of others, sometimes where i aspired to be, or sometimes i could even see my own bs in some of their coping.

by building and trying to keep a routine, by digging into new skills and interests (builds confidence), by soaking up good company.

by not judging or beating myself up for feeling how i felt. certainly there are healthy forms of, and benchmarks when it comes to grieving, but trying to tell myself i "shouldnt" feel this way, or trying to make myself feel something else, or feel nothing, all just made me feel worse. i told myself this was a big blow, and it would hurt for a long time. it did, but not forever, and it got better.

by failing miserably when i finally got back out there, and found myself still getting into questionable relationships. it was a break through. i realized i was the common denominator. i realized that meant that i wasnt just the problem, but also that i was the solution. i made this mess. i could clean it up.

by at least entertaining (and probing) all of the fears that plagued me when i came here, that i tried desperately to run away from for so long, like the idea that i had anything to do with the breakdown of our relationship. or desperately trying to hang on to how special i believed i was to her, in the face of her actions in the aftermath. like the idea that there might be someone better out there for her than me. i didnt necessarily have to prove or disprove them all (maybe the guy after me was actually a horrible fit for her, i dont really know!), but by facing my fears, and the hardest aspects of my grief, i was self evidently Detaching.

if i could summarize it all, id say "by growing and finding the emotional maturity i didnt have at the time". as for how i feel today, its impossible for me to imagine the person that came here all those years ago reducing everything to "we just didnt work out", but, ultimately, it really wasnt more complicated than that.

He and I do not work as lovers. We trigger each other horribly and unintentionally then both get overwhelmed.

years after i first came here, i learned, and now teach, the skills i lacked during my relationship. my ex was a very jealous person. there are things that i did that i think contributed to that, but i also think it was and is a lifelong pathological issue for her. i find jealousy, especially at her level, to be unattractive, and smothering; triggers my fear of engulfment. today, i could respond in a far more constructive and mature way than i did, but its not something im cut out for, or want to be involved with, with her, or anyone.

"he and i do not work as lovers" is a very important acknowledgment. some things can be fixed, when two people are able to get on the same page, and resolve conflict. some things cant be. and some things, frankly, arent worth fixing. in enmeshed relationships, all of those things get blurred, and as the relationship breaks down, everything becomes more about self preservation, and it becomes, in part, the dysfunction itself driving the relationship. "we do not work" is not anyones fault. it is radical acceptance of reality as it is.

We have a lot in common that I know  isn't mirroring and could've been amazing together.

this is an important acknowledgment, too. these are the things you are grieving, and the loss you are acknowledging.

and those things can all be true, nurtured, and cherished, and still be a relationship that "does not work".

my ex was the most thoughtful gift giver i have ever met, and not just to me, anyone that knew her would confirm it. she had a way of finding gifts that would make you feel so seen. its not that im a materialistic person, or that "good gift giving" is one of the most important qualities in a relationship that i look for even, but its a characteristic of hers i would love to find in a future partner. with her, unfortunately, it came with all of the things i couldnt accept. i had to let go of both.

I was probably doing some magical thinking that he was still pining away for me and I'll admit, I liked that thought.

you spent a great deal of this relationship wanting, and trying to be heard, and it seems like often times, his actions reinforced that you werent.

its understandable that would carry over after a breakup. its understandable that seeing him with someone else would trigger it.

one of the battles i think so many of us face in Detaching, is the carrying over of those wounds. sometimes it manifests in divorce and custody battles. sometimes it manifests in a dozen short lived explosive relationship recycles. sometimes it manifests as a bunch of fighting and sniping, or attempts at "closure" (which is usually more about "acknowledgment"). sometimes it manifests in the next relationship we pick. so often, we spend so much time in the aftermath, still fighting those battles we fought for so long, and sometimes, in some ways, its somehow more comfortable than feeling the loss of all of it.

a breakup is a lot like a death, but complicated by the fact that that persons still living, and in some ways, a living, breathing extension of the attachment we still feel, which includes both all of the resentment, and all of the loss. so its natural that, still being attached, their feelings, their success or failure, can feel like an extension of us, for better or worse. the truth is, like death, all of these things disappear when a relationship is over. there are no more of the qualities of the person that we loved, or the aspects of the relationship, but likewise, there are no more power struggles. no more wounding. hanging on to the former is clinging to a dead fantasy. hanging on to the latter is just painting the person/relationship black. both need acknowledging, of course, but both require letting go.

I can't believe I sabotaged myself in this way.

try thinking of it as what will be, in the long run, just a check up point in your Detachment. it told you a great deal, which you can work with. thats not to say keep doing it of course, or that one should try to heal by deliberately opening their wounds, but there will come a day where you can look, or not look, no problem.

[tina7868]

Hey Remotefile   ! Thank you for sharing your experience.

Although every situation is unique, I can relate to many aspects of what you wrote! More specifically, realizing the following has also part of my journey: being the one who initiated the breakup even if you didn`t feel ready to do so, realising you did trigger each other (unintentionally) which caused, overwhelming feelings, being able to identify things you could differently (but also seeing why you beahved the way you did at the time), experiencing unhealthy cycles with your ex, having had hope for reconciliation. Oh, and even being stubborn, I`m fully there with you 

And I also agree with your sentiment that someone else might be better for him-it's not really a contest. I guess I'm just realizing that I was very much still holding on to some small ember of hope. That he's hearing me. That he'll be willing to do the hard work. We have a lot in common that I know  isn't mirroring and could've been amazing together.

All of these realizations show that you`ve put in a lot of work; they don`t come overnight. I wouldn`t see the situation you`re in right now so much as a setback as an exercise in choosing to show compassion to yourself, accepting how you feel, and learning, instead of being harsh or disapproving.