Frequent conflict with BPD partner

[In the midst]

I could really use some advice/wisdom. I have a daughter with BPD, she is doing well having been through DBT and I am doing the Family Connections program and it has become very apparent that my partner, 60 yrs old, exhibits most traits of BPD. I have also been reading about High Conflict Personalities and see these traits strongly too. We have been together just over three years, and our lives are very enmeshed- we decided rather than live together we would live in adjacent houses each with our own kids, but he and I spend a lot of time together and have recently started a business venture together too. He comes from a background of significant childhood trauma and has had two marriages, and while he can be very warm and friendly and engaging, he can be very moody and conflict seems to be inevitable in any situation where he feels others are not behaving in the way he would expect. I have MS and have been tired pf late, and have explained over the years how important managing stress is for me, but it seems that no matter how much I communicate my energies he inevitably forgets and will frequently be talking about his frustrations with someone or something or frustrated with me. When we have disagreements often accuses me of being controlling or needy or trying to limit his freedom and I feel deeply offended (I was recently overseas for two months mountaineering and was also away for two months last year, and spend most days doing my own thing, and have felt taken aback by his accusations and assumptions that simply do not match how I think or feel or how I believe I act. We have had a number of disagreements lately, and today we were talking about going down to our local boat club, and he said he was going to go for a swim. He gets very testy if I express my desire for him to invite me to do activities together, and yet he will come to my place when it suits him, stay for hours, and often act sulky if I want to head to bed without either playing a game of having a spa together, and yet he will tell me things he is doing in a way that is not seeming very invitational, and if I ask if he would like me to join or if he is inviting me, he gets really upset, tells me I can do whatever I want, that he can too, that he shouldn’t need my permission and that I should be happy to do things and not always need him to do things with me. This seems to happen repeatedly, and it really offends me and no matter what I say to explain that I don’t think he needs my permission, that I am very happy to do my own thing, that I was simply asking and that I think it is nice to invite one another rather than just tell, an argument follows and he ends up ignoring my attempts to connect and resolve, inevitably at some point tells me that he has feelings that matter and it is not always about me, and then I am left having to wait for him mood to subside and then he is back to a more peaceful self and seems to adore me until the next blow up. I am
so tired of always feeling like I am walking on eggshells for fear of saying something that will trigger his next overt reaction and then I will be left feeling hurt, blamed, ignored and not cared for yet again. Sad face

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m wondering what would happen if you mentioned that you’ve made different plans at those times.

“Oh, so you’re going to go to the boat club for a swim? Sounds fun. I’m going to the art gallery for an opening with a new local artist. Really interesting mixed media sculpture.”