Just broke up....broken by my BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I blocked her on everything after her latest act of cruelty but she has emailed me (goes to trash but won't delete for 30 days). I am trting to be disciplined and not check, but I have a few times. Like many of you, I have become addicted to the push-pull

I have to cut her off completely. This woman was a monster and a complete phony. She portrayed herself so differently when I met her, love-bombed me and mirrored my interests so well I thought I'd found the perfect match. There were red flags of course that ignored because the love, sex, and doting felt so good.

She was also a severe alcoholic and I chalked up a lot of behavior to that, but the truth is the alcoholism is a symptom of her BPD, not the other way around. When she is drunk everything is 10x worse. That's when the violence and most awful, hurtful actions occur.

I really am stunned about who this woman turned out to be. It was kind of a slow process of putting together her past and basically the past year has been me knowing how evil this woman is and yet for someone crazy reason still allowing myself to tolerate it and drag it out because I've been so wrecked by her actions.

She quite literally is the worst human being I have ever encountered for the things she has done to me.

I'm trying my best to get over this and I have committed to blocking her, but part of me wants her to chase me. It's nuts.

How long does it take? Any tips on how to erase her memory and move on as fast as possible? I know sometimes "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone" but I am not looking for that - I am way too PLEASE READed up right now.

I am not sure I ever want to date again to be honest.

[fulafe]

I blocked her on everything after her latest act of cruelty but she has emailed me (goes to trash but won't delete for 30 days). I am trting to be disciplined and not check, but I have a few times. Like many of you, I have become addicted to the push-pull

I have to cut her off completely. This woman was a monster and a complete phony. She portrayed herself so differently when I met her, love-bombed me and mirrored my interests so well I thought I'd found the perfect match. There were red flags of course that ignored because the love, sex, and doting felt so good.

She was also a severe alcoholic and I chalked up a lot of behavior to that, but the truth is the alcoholism is a symptom of her BPD, not the other way around. When she is drunk everything is 10x worse. That's when the violence and most awful, hurtful actions occur.

I really am stunned about who this woman turned out to be. It was kind of a slow process of putting together her past and basically the past year has been me knowing how evil this woman is and yet for someone crazy reason still allowing myself to tolerate it and drag it out because I've been so wrecked by her actions.

She quite literally is the worst human being I have ever encountered for the things she has done to me.

I'm trying my best to get over this and I have committed to blocking her, but part of me wants her to chase me. It's nuts.

How long does it take? Any tips on how to erase her memory and move on as fast as possible? I know sometimes "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone" but I am not looking for that - I am way too PLEASE READed up right now.

I am not sure I ever want to date again to be honest.

[fulafe]

My post title should have said "...my BPD ex"

I don't have BPD. Sorry if confusing

[kells76]

Hi fulafe and welcome to the group 

So many members here can relate to what you're going through -- the perfect beginning, the intensity, the highs that were beyond incredible... then the process of putting together the pieces of what you were experiencing and getting a picture of reality that likely involves an untreated PD.

Breaking up with a pwBPD isn't a normal range breakup. It's good that you recognize that a rebound relationship isn't wise or healthy or loving right now -- not for you, not for a prospective rebound partner.

There are some martial arts where in training, the phrase is "slow is fast." That is to say -- we can't just jump into doing the movement at top speed; it won't be effective and we'll be worse off. We need to take the time to do the process, to learn it slowly, in order for it to be effective. We need to be in the discomfort of the process.

I wonder if part of the answer to your questions here:

I'm trying my best to get over this and I have committed to blocking her, but part of me wants her to chase me. It's nuts.

How long does it take? Any tips on how to erase her memory and move on as fast as possible? I know sometimes "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone" but I am not looking for that

is: "slow is fast".

I can imagine that the last thing you ever want to do is to be in a relationship with another pwBPD.

If we don't allow ourselves to take the time to process the grief, hurt, rage, anger, and all the feelings associated with the end of this relationship -- if we don't "practice slow" -- then if/when we come to a new relationship, we're vulnerable to repeating it -- unfinished business.

I'm curious if you would classify anything you're going through as ruminating about her/the relationship?

I also hear you that as much as you want to move on quickly and get over it, you also want to do it healthily  I'd be curious if anything in our workshop on Is there a healthful way to get past the pain of a broken heart? resonates with you or seems applicable?

Really glad you landed here. Keep us posted on how you're doing;

kells76

[fulafe]

Thank you Kells! Great advice. I like the concept of "slow is fast." I am doing better today. I am just trying to focus on healthy habits right now.

Glad I found this forum.

[kells76]

Thank you Kells! Great advice. I like the concept of "slow is fast." I am doing better today. I am just trying to focus on healthy habits right now.

Glad I found this forum.

That's smart of you to have the perspective that some days will be harder than others.

Some members track or journal how they feel day by day. It can help create a larger context for the grieving/angry/healing journey, beyond "I miss her so much today, did I fail" or "I feel so over her today, I must be done". (Not saying you're doing that! Just examples of how each individual day is part of a longer process). They can look back over weeks/months/years and say "yeah, I can really see how when I was feeling X on that day last month, that happened in the context of feeling Y before and Z after".

What are some of the habits you're focusing on right now?