Ex tried to commit suicide

[Bubben]

I don't know if my ex gf has BPD. But I will try to make a long story short.

We had been together for 6 years. The last 4ears escalated quickly we got a child together.. and that is when the " drama" started. She broke up with me about 10 times per year for the last 4 years. I tried everything in my power to make it work. I made us go on trips as a family I did everything for her.. I paid every single thing for her.. not because she asked me to but I wanted to. But in the end she didn't give me anything back, barely a thank you. Anyhow fastforward abit.. I started to notice when we had an normal discussion  that she always thought I was mad or angry or irritated at her. But I was talking to her like I would be talking to my friends..

We went on a family trip for about 2 weeks this summer.. we enjoyed it so much we actually extended..  then baam I got a message when I was driving the kid to his grandmother.  With the words "I can't take this anymore, you take care of the kid, it's no one's fault besides my own". And I couldn't do so much so I thought I would talk to her when I got home about what the problem was.. I found her in the toilet. She took some pills and tried to cut herself..

She came into hospital. Everything seemed to be going fine.. and I reassured her that we have to look forward and not in the past and I will help her as much as possible.

Day before the breakup , me and her discussed going on a weekend trip , just me and her. The day after.. from clear blue sky she said. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore..


So now my question is.. what should I expect?.. I feel like my energy is not what it used to be. Does not matter what I do.. nothing is good enough anymore. She barely looks me in the eyes.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Skip]

Trying to follow...

Did you just get back from the trip? Did she break up yesterday?

[Bubben]

No she broke up with me about 2 months ago..

The trip was in end of july

[Doctordoom88]

Focus on the kid. I don’t think this sounds salvageable. I’m one month removed from my relationship with someone with BPD and we have a kid. I know what you’re feeling and the thought of being alone is daunting. It’s really not that bad though and once you make the decision to not look back you can start healing. While in limbo you will constantly be tormented.

[Skip]

Day before the breakup , me and her discussed going on a weekend trip , just me and her. The day after.. from clear blue sky she said. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore..

Many have reported this type of thing. I experienced it myself.

It's hard for anyone to break-up with their partner and most people feel conflicted. Most people hide those conflicted feeling from the partner. People without a filter will show you that conflict in real time. It's confusing to say the least.

So now my question is.. what should I expect?.. I feel like my energy is not what it used to be. Does not matter what I do.. nothing is good enough anymore. She barely looks me in the eyes.

Who is taking care of the child? Do you have a legal or informal agreement on childcare?

[Bubben]

Shared custody. Nothing regarding the kid is ever any problem.

Well it's more troubling for myself than her I suppose.

I read some on different forums, and many say that after awhile the partner with bpd will want to come back. Is it any truth behind this?

She also told me she wants to be friends, but not right now???! What does that even mean.

Everything is on her terms all the time.

Everything seems like a power battle between us. One week iam distant and she is curious of what iam doing , next week it turns..

I don't want to be in this situation. Feels like she is taking advantage of it.. iam just a piece in her chess game, and it seems like the only way to win is to defeat the queen.

[Steppenwolf]

I only know very few things I can tell you, but I can relate to what you wrote. My uBPDw tried to commit suicide a few years ago, and I called the ambulance on her back then. The time after that (we had just gotten married) was one of the hardest times of my life.

We had some breakups-get-back-togethers before her suicide, but after I called the ambulance she felt deeply betrayed. She told me later, that she is deeply in pain about life itself, and since I called the ambulance I forced her to endure that pain for longer. In her mind, I must have called the ambulance out of selfishness, because I couldn't live without her. Then after a while, she came back, at first just to show me how painful life really is (her words not mine).


We have been married for ten years, and although we had some very rough times together, including severe abuse etc, I still believe we can make it work.


Some things I can relate to directly. You say that everything "seems like a power battle". I had this feeling a lot over the last ten years, but only recently I noticed how wrong I was about this. Ever since I figured that she might have BPD, I looked into it and noticed a lot of things that felt like a power battle to me maybe really weren't. It's just the way the world looks to her, and how she perceives and feels things. It's still hard to relate, but thinking about this helped me bridge at least some of the chasms that have appeared over the years.


I can't tell you if your ex will come back or not. No one can, besides time. My uBPDw had many times where she called off the relationship and even tried to cancel the family, but she always came back eventually and found that she loved us somehow. But you should try to figure out for yourself what you want and what you are willing to give. My family was never easy, and it has taken a great toll on all of us.

Also: Take good care of your child. Being born into a situation like this, even if it is not BPD and just some other problem, is never easy at all. Children need our protection and I wish I would have protected my children from the situation much more.

[Bubben]

Hmm, I can relate to what you are saying.

I have tried to explain to her that.. what if everything would be reversed.. you found me in the toilet.. how would you react
. But she can't understand that..

And I don't know if it's a common trait for those with bpd  or it's the medication..

But she seems very "cold" lack of empathy.

Everything that happend after the attempt.. I don't recognize that behaviour.. iam trying to distance myself for my own good.. but it's hard when you love someone.. and you get nothing back.. it feels like it's all just a game to them/her.

Another problem is that just because she takes medication she thinks everything is just fine.. but  yeah..


Is it worth going through the struggle. I want her , but not like this. I want her to want me back.. I suppose I have to high hope.

[Skip]

Everything seems like a power battle between us. One week iam distant and she is curious of what iam doing , next week it turns..

I don't want to be in this situation. Feels like she is taking advantage of it.. iam just a piece in her chess game, and it seems like the only way to win is to defeat the queen.

These situations are difficult and draining. Certainly, if she tried suicide, she is dealing with hopelessness. Possibly with a dose of resentment.

In a moment of candor, my ex said she was sabotaging my milestone birthday "why should you be so happy when I'm not, it's not fair" and she proceeded to have the event, which included my friends, without me (awkward). If I fought back, she'd probably feel even more justified in her actions. I remember how upset I was.

My point is that she found some personal relief in punishing me because she felt bad. This is not uncommon.

So don't show your woundedness. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve (she will see it as needy). Project confidence. Let the uncertainty she has created be felt by her also as uncertain (don't come running back like a puppy every time she whistles). Be a really nice, considerate guy - but give her what she requested - pull back. Let her slowly work through her emotions on her time.

Above all, don't try to teach her to be better or ask for more understanding. Let her discover that being better and more understanding makes for a better life for her.

Eight weeks is not that far out - but far enough that this is not "lets have a chat" territory. There is still time for thing to get better. If she turns back to the relationship, it will be more like a u-turn in a bus than like doing it on a bicycle.


Heed your own words here:

Shared custody. Nothing regarding the kid is ever any problem.

Everything is on her terms all the time.

Prepare for the worst (politely, quietly) and get a legal custody agreement in place while it is non-threatening to her. This will also add some uncertainty.

If things go do go south (and they may, its possible), it's not uncommon for there to be custody problems.

[Bubben]

Did you also experiance. Lying about nonsense things, I don't care. But I don't see the point in lying.



The other day we had a coffe nothing else, and she wanted me to massage her.. and I was thinking" why is she giving me mixed signal"?.

Yeah iam distancing myself.

One other thing I have noticed is that she always saying she feels good(her friends tell her she is feeling fine). And then I thought to myself.. well that is pretty strange since the person you feel safe with is the one that gets all the crap all the time. Remove the antidepressants from her and she is back to the way she was before.
 
I mean come on. Will they never realize they are the ones that are acting strange ? Or is it just easier to blame others for it ? She told me iam the one causing her a depression and alot of similar things

[Skip]

The other day we had a coffe nothing else, and she wanted me to massage her.. and I was thinking" why is she giving me mixed signal"?

If she was done with you, you know it in no uncertain terms.

I mean come on. Will they never realize they are the ones that are acting strange ? Or is it just easier to blame others for it ?

This was the point I was making to you earlier. Yes.

She is who she is. You can manage your emotional reaction to her and even learn to set the tempo in your transactions (interactions) with her. But she is mentally challenged and she is not going to wake up one day and be a new person who thinks and processes life differently.

If you want to stay, that is the life you sign on for.

I can add this... in working with experts, and members here, I have manage my way through some difficult people. It is amazing to me how well the tools work with difficult people and healthy people as well.

That said, in some cases, the resulting relationship (after you master the tools) may has things about it that make it worth staying in and in some relationships, not.. Or put in another way, if you were the greatest expert in human nature tools and you had relationships with two different people with BPD, one of those relationships might be one you want to keep and one might be one you don't. This is an obvious, but often overlooked concept.

Does that make sense?

[Steppenwolf]

I have tried to explain to her that.. what if everything would be reversed.. you found me in the toilet.. how would you react
. But she can't understand that..

Yeah, I have been down that road, too. I wouldn't say it never worked, but it is very rare and I cannot really tell any extreme situation where it did.

But she seems very "cold" lack of empathy.

I have some times, where I feel the same way, too. Like she is distant and somewhat unresponsive. There was a post about a gf acting robotic somewhere here, and it helped me somewhat. Also, my daughter has (unfortunately to some degree) developed some hypervigilance and often tells me she is not feeling well/scared at the same time my wife is in her robotic phases. My daughter is mostly scared about my wife and me fighting, so I guess it's like in the acting robotic post. Those really are times, when my wife is processing a lot of emotions and trying to keep in control and thus somewhat detached from reality.

Is it worth going through the struggle. I want her , but not like this. I want her to want me back.. I suppose I have to high hope.

For me, I have made a clear choice that I want her, but I can only do it if we (and that means mostly me, even if it seems unfair at some times) can find a way to stop the abuse.

The other day we had a coffe nothing else, and she wanted me to massage her.. and I was thinking" why is she giving me mixed signal"?.

I know these mixed signals can be hard to process. For me, however, these mixed signals have often been a way to express how I see the situation. Like, my uBPDw goes into "I hate you and I want a divorce" mode and then suddenly comes back and wants to cuddle etc. For me, even during these fights, I would never say "I hate you" to her, and if she asked during these fights if I loved her, I would be able to answer "yes", or at least that is what I think I would do. She is different, though. I asked her a couple of time if the "I hate you" was true or if she still felt any love, and she just replied something along the lines of "No, I don't love you, and I really never did". It's really hard to process, because when she says it, it sounds like an absolute truth, and I now figured out, that's likely because it really is to her during those times. It's not like for nons, where the love is true even during hard times. For her, when we fight, she really cuts herself off from the love and wont be able to feel it.

But since I am able to keep a stable feeling of love even during these fights, these mixed signals have actually become a way to reconnect and show her that the love really wasn't gone for me. But for me that would completely depend on whether I see this relationship as worth saving and for now I absolutely do. If I didn't I think I would stop responding to these mixed signals.

One other thing I have noticed is that she always saying she feels good(her friends tell her she is feeling fine). And then I thought to myself.. well that is pretty strange since the person you feel safe with is the one that gets all the crap all the time. Remove the antidepressants from her and she is back to the way she was before.

Yeah, I felt for a while that I am the one getting more crap than others. Right now I am starting to figure out, that I was really wrong about that. I didn't get more of the crap than others. For me, I am slowly starting to see how much effort she must put up to act normal, to not lash out as often as she might. I am just slowly seeing what kind of tremendous effort she makes to also make this family work, in her own weird way. How many things she did do out of love, that seemed dominating or controlling. I even feel somewhat bad for not seeing these things differently earlier, also because it could have saved us so much frustration and hurt.

I mean come on. Will they never realize they are the ones that are acting strange ? Or is it just easier to blame others for it ? She told me iam the one causing her a depression and alot of similar things

I waited for my wife to realize that she had been acting strange for over ten years now. She wouldn't even acknowledge that her suicide attempt would be any sign that there is something wrong, trying to argue about all the bad things in the world and that the only logical conclusion must be to commit suicide. Like everybody else in the world is mentally ill for not seeing how bad things are, and she is the only normal person around. Then when it comes to our family problems, she also blames me, as if anything would be perfect, if I only would follow her (sometimes straight up impossible) requests, give up all boundaries etc. Or if our S9 would just act normal (he has some behavioral problems, part ADHD part from having been abused emotionally). When it comes to problems, for her there is always someone else to blame. Arguing or talking with her is just like throwing a boomerang, it always comes back. Then at other times, she goes into full insecurity mode, where she feels she cannot do anything right at all, but it never leads to any real reflection about our issues. Yeah, it's confusing.


So for me, I am slowly starting to accept that things will never be normal, she might never really notice that her behavior is problematic or strange. Then again, we made some progress when I pointed out some problems we had as a family and she argued against any involvement, but weirdly despite absolutely claiming that nothing is wrong and she won't even remotely consider changing any of that behavior, she suddenly did. Again, straight upt confusing, but to me it shows the work she is putting into this family.

I am holding on to a quote from the "little prince" where he talks about his thorny flower, that really helps me:

"I did not understand anything! I should have judged her on the acts and not the words.
She embarrassed me and enlightened me. I should never have fled! I should have guessed
his tenderness behind his poor tricks. The flowers are so contradictory! But I was too
young to know how to love him. "


Reading the little prince really helped me in a weird way.

[Broken Record]

Hmm, I can relate to what you are saying.

I have tried to explain to her that.. what if everything would be reversed.. you found me in the toilet.. how would you react
. But she can't understand that..

And I don't know if it's a common trait for those with bpd  or it's the medication..

But she seems very "cold" lack of empathy.

Everything that happend after the attempt.. I don't recognize that behaviour.. iam trying to distance myself for my own good.. but it's hard when you love someone.. and you get nothing back.. it feels like it's all just a game to them/her.

Another problem is that just because she takes medication she thinks everything is just fine.. but  yeah..


Is it worth going through the struggle. I want her , but not like this. I want her to want me back.. I suppose I have to high hope.

Hi Bubben,

Sorry to hear what you’re going through. Not completely sure but it sounds like your SO has “split” and you’ve been painted black. If all you’re receiving majority of the time is complete indifference, as if you don’t exist, its quite likely.

Its never easy with a child in the mix. If you’re trying to make things work, only thing I can suggest is to not make things worse - read about validation techniques when engaging in discussion. Secondly, just work on your own mental well being as a priority. See a therapist, start journalling - whatever helps.

Best of luck!

[Bubben]

Update:

She have not been paying her electricity bill. So she came crawling back to me.. she have been living with me for 2 weeks now.. and I have talked to her landlord and he says that this Wednesday is her due date.. make a choice. Otherwise she have to find another place to live..

First week she lived with me she had anxiety etc.. spending money like crazy. That she barely have. And she can't pay her electricity bills amongst other bills .

How much should I help her.. iam not getting anything back. She will end up treating me like PLEASE READ.. she is saying , I like you , I feel safe when iam with you..

How can you trust a word she is saying or if it's genuine.. actions speaks more than words.!?

[SaltyDawg]

Update:

She have not been paying her electricity bill. So she came crawling back to me.. she have been living with me for 2 weeks now.. and I have talked to her landlord and he says that this Wednesday is her due date.. make a choice. Otherwise she have to find another place to live..

First week she lived with me she had anxiety etc.. spending money like crazy. That she barely have. And she can't pay her electricity bills amongst other bills .

How much should I help her.. iam not getting anything back. She will end up treating me like PLEASE READ.. she is saying , I like you , I feel safe when iam with you..

How can you trust a word she is saying or if it's genuine.. actions speaks more than words.!?

Please be mindful that the two of you had a child together.  The first priority should be your child and your child's care since you contributed to bringing your child into the world.  Once you have ensured that your child is safe.  Then you need to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with her.

From what you have described she needs to get help for her mental health, as she is the mother of your child, you need to decide how much involvement you are willing to do for her.

Also, you will likely need to set some firm boundaries whether she lives with you or not.  You have described her as an 'ex', so why is she living with you?

Boundaries - I am thinking of one for money/bills/etc.  Another one for her bad behaviors.  And of course one for her extreme behaviors like suicide where you will call the police/emergency services.  These boundaries are to maintain your sanity and to protect your child.  You need to be firm, reasonable with no exceptions, as that will weaken your position.  You will need to take the lead in this, as she has demonstrated that she cannot.

You may want to get the grand-parents involved as a support system for both you and her.  Having a child makes this a very difficult situation, how you handle this is up to you.

Most importantly, after ensuring that your child is safe and taken care of - what do you want?

I know this is stressful, make sure you take time for yourself to do self-care, whatever that might look like for you.  I exercise, take a long shower, get lost in a good movie / tv series, read a book, etc.

Take care with self-care.