Brother with BPD constantly calling my parents

[Cait]

Happy new year, everyone. This past year was actually a pretty good year for me, I went NC with my brother with BPD a few months ago and while I definitely feel some sadness, it's mostly relief. Our relationship has broken down so much over the past few years and I could no longer put up with his emotionally abusive behavior, especially since I need to consider my kids and protecting my own family unit.

One thing that is a bit weird in the aftermath is that anytime I spend time with my parents, I notice their phones often ringing at least once, more often twice or even three times and I can see my brother's name come up on the screen. He's always called them often but he is now in his 30s and I somehow thought maybe it would be toned down by now, but it doesn't seem to be. He calls them constantly to unload and I wonder if this is common among people with BPD, calling the people they are emotionally reliant on multiple times a day, and if they don't pick up, calling them until they do. I'm glad my parents seem to be able to hold some boundaries and not always pick up. I guess I'm just venting a little because it's still uncomfortable for me to watch. It looks exhausting. Working on trying to not be bothered by it as there is nothing I can do about it.

[TelHill]

Cait,

My elderly dBPD mom has had vision issues for 2 уears and can't see dial a phone number. Prior to that she'd call me up to 20 times in a row if I didn't answer her 1st call. Her reason was that she knew I was lying injured somewhere and she wanted to help. It wasn't and has never been true but it felt real that I would leave or abandon her. It was unbearable for her to have these thoughts. She would act on her "premonitions" at least once a week and I'd get a phone call(s).

I imagine your brother may have abandonment issues that non-disordered people don't have. I don't know if he will stop now or after the 1000th time. No one can control someone else. Boundaries are set for the peace of non bpd family members too.  I'm glad your parents are sticking to their boundaries.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother does this. I recall being out running errands with my father and she'd call several times "where are you". As if we'd be anywhere else but the grocery store she asked us to get something from.

She will call several times if I don't pick up. Sometimes, after we speak on the phone, she will also call back several times.

She does this with others too. The care coordinator nurse has mentioned she gets several calls from my mother. She also rings the nurse button at her assisted living several times until someone comes to help her. It's not an emergency- she just wants them to come immediately but they might be attending to someone else and can't come right away.

I think that this behavior is due to - if they are feeling emotional discomfort- they want immediate relief. This is what they are focused on. However it's disruptive to other people.

[Cait]

Thank you both for sharing, yes this seems like a common trait. Notwendy, I think you're right about them doing this when they feel emotional discomfort and needing immediate relief. It is very disruptive and another example of how they have difficulty self soothing or finding healthy ways of handling with emotional discomfort.

[livednlearned]

My stepdaughter (26) is like this, too. It can feel almost frantic.

Did your brother know you were visiting?

I used to think SD26 increased the # of texts/calls to H when she knew H and I were doing something fun together like a night out or road trip. I know she does it regardless, but I suspect she also felt the need to compete for what she thinks are scarce resources (love/attention).

For me, I notice I'm triggered by it because my sibling (uBPD) took up a lot of my parents' resources and the dynamic feels similar. Like you, I don't really have a relationship with brother anymore. I've seen him 2x in 13 years and I honestly think it's easier for everyone this way, especially my parents. The closer I am, the more uBPD brother has to jockey for position, and that puts a strain on everyone, especially in a family where no one talks about the elephant in the room.

That's the part that drives me the most nuts. In my current relationship, it took years for H to acknowledge how draining it is for him to manage SD26's calls and texts.

Can you acknowledge the quantity of the calls/texts with your parents or is it kind of an unspoken rule that no one mentions it?